Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Please stop saying that a problem is a “real pickle.” Pickles are delicious, store well, and have zero calories. You are a problem. Pickles are fine.

HORSE WEARING EARBUDS: *walks into bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long fa–
HORSE: CAN I GET AN APPLETINI?

Couples that stay fit together don’t trust each other enough to go to the gym alone

Eight minutes into dinner date and I’m out of knock knock jokes.

Autocorrect just changed “lady parts” to “lazy parts” and I didn’t wanna change it back because it’s not wrong, to be honest.

Please follow the instructions

1) Read all instructions
2) Sacrifice a goat
3) Cut off your fingers
4) Eat glass

5) Only do number one

“It’s a banana in my pocket”
“May I remind the defendant that he’s under oath?”
*averts eyes*
“I’m glad to see you”

My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.

My 5yo was kind enough let me know that breakfast was gross but she liked the texture

Studies say people with high IQ are lazy. Of course I didn’t read the entire article.

I talk to myself mostly because I am an excellent listener

She told me she’d do anything for 20 bucks. Guess who just got his Mustang washed.

the duality of man

imagine being Pierce brosnan in Mrs doubtfire, you’re dating a nice woman, her kids like you, it’s all great then one day you’re in a restaurant choking from anaphylactic shock and her drunk ex husband runs towards you in an old lady costume and you think how is this my life now

If I had a bitcoin for every time someone tried to explain bitcoins to me I’d have a lot of bitcoins, and no idea what to do with them.

Ever see a plane flying toward the moon & it looks like it’s gonna hit it & then it does & the oceans boil & wolves take over?

bank robber: everyone against the wall. this is a hostage situation

me, a person extremely susceptible to stockholm syndrome: [tries to hold robber’s hand] hey

*locates the item I was looking for in the process of blaming someone else

I wish I could say the massive bruise on my leg is from Kickboxing class, but no. It’s from a door hitting me on a windy day as I walked into a burger joint.

ME: ooooh can I lick the beater?

HEART SURGEON: please stop calling it that

When I’m texting, I start typing faster when i see you’re typing too. Oh, IT’S ON!! #amazingrace

The best thing about being an introvert is not having to wait on someone else to binge watch a show on Netflix.

How frustrating would it be if you turned into a zombie before you had a chance to put your dentures in?

I’m excited to visit my Grandma tonight, but she just about gave me a heart attack

The mailman told my husband he banged every woman on the block, except for 1, I told him it had to be Carol next door, she’s really not friendly

My son, Luke, loves how I named all my kids after Star Wars characters.
My daughter, Chewbecca, not so much.

Oh your gums are bleeding? I brush my teeth so hard my hand is bleeding

i raised my dog to treat all people as equals
whether they be grey, grey, grey or grey

100,000 Americans signed a petition to have Justin Bieber deported back to Canada.

8 million Canadians signed a petition to prevent this.

I’m not ashamed to say that when I saw everyone was getting these new “selfie sticks” for Xmas I thought it was some new fantastic deodorant