Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sorry I look depressed. It’s just that when I heard the sound of your high heels on the hardwood floor, I thought a pony was in the house.

me: I don’t need to write it down, I’ll remember

me 5 seconds later: oh no

My toddler’s plan for today is to ‘throw snowballs at all the peoples’ so I’m really looking forward to picking her up from daycare later

It’s Election Eve, Not Election and Steve!

any time someone sends me an email with “best regards” i reply with “bester regards” so they know i take my job seriously

*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*

Okay, weigh me now.

I’m taking a group of 9yos to the water park today. My wife said “just try not to lose any of em” if you’re wondering about her confidence in my parenting skills.

Anyway if anyone’s seen a boy in sponge bob swim trunks please let me know thanks.

This “band-aid” is bugging me 🤣

If a woman looks sad, tell her “You’d be pretty if you smiled more” and you won’t see her looking sad anymore because you will be dead.

[On a date]
Him: I love a woman with a sense of humor, I’m a sucker for a good pun.
Me: omg same. lol Jeremy if you were sliced up into little pieces and soaked in coffee liqueur and then layered between ladyfingers you’d be a jeramisu.
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: jeramisu

my son thinks trying to crawl around me to play with electrical sockets is hilarious. almost as funny as yeeting himself off the side of the bed

The reason I switched from a backpack to a messenger bag is so that I look more classy and professional carrying nothing but snacks to work.

me: I don’t negotiate with terrorists

wife: she’s three

me: I don’t care how many she is

Thanks McDonald’s for adding two order lanes that require everyone to cooperate and merge so I can be driven to a blinding rage and lose faith in humanity all before I get my fries

Last night I couldn’t sleep at all, just lying wide awake

“Oh, insomnia?”

No, in bed you idiot. Where the hell is Somnia?

Houdini, running out of ideas: Watch and marvel as I escape from this predatory timeshare contract!

Dog: Why don’t you feed me more?
Me: Because I love you and I don’t want you to get fat.
Dog: … You must really hate yourself.

(Teaching my kid about screwdrivers)

Remember: righty tighty, lefty loosey.

That’s it now the vodka’s open get the orange juice.

The scientifically proven most effective way of cooling off your fighter in between rounds. #PFLPlayoffs

Home #decor warning.

SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment

ME: what if it’s sent by ship

SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo

He said he likes curvy women and what my man wants, my man gets

*eats 14th Oreo cookie*

[watching Olympic Figure Skating]

Me: HOLY CRAP!!! THAT ROUTINE WAS INCREDIBLE!!!

T.V. Announcer Johnny Weir: it’s obvious to everyone how awful that routine was

Me: oh

HBO
HBO GO
HBO NOW
HBO MAX
HBO RAGNAROK
HBO TOKYO DRIFT
MAX

They just announced step away from the windows at O’Hare because of a tornado warning and crazy storm, so about 10 people got up and walked towards the windows to take pictures.

Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?

Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…

if your refrigerator’s running i’d take off in the same direction. no time to grab anything just go, run!

that’s me in the corner, that’s me using Microsoft Word, losing my revision

I did win the cartwheel contest but the other people at the funeral seemed upset.

ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*

MY DOG: *ears prick up*