Calories in one pistachio: 4
Calories burned opening one pistachio: 2,753
Take that, kale.
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Well well well…if it isn’t the clothes I left in dryer last Sunday.
“I’m light-headed. I just need to eat.”
-my excuse for everything
Being a hermit crab is hard because every time you’re naked you’re also homeless and that’s literally the worst time to be naked
said in every police drama ever
– her parents are coming down from Wisconsin
If one ex was drowning and the other was
dangling from a cliff-edge and you had one set of
ropes to save them….where would you hide it?
Ever accidentally turn off your alarm instead of hitting the snooze button and wake up two days later?
[couples therapy]
Mrs: he’s too handsy, always touching me all over…
Mr: [who is an octopus] I CANT HELP IT LINDA IM LIKE 90% HANDS…
Every person you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by asking if they’re drinking enough water.
What is this alien looking thing in a wig trying to sing?
Oh wait thats Nicki Minaj.
Why would an alien in a wig pick Nicki Minaj as a name?
I hate when I miss the garbage truck and just have to throw trash in the neighbors hot tub again
So now they say Vaccinated People can Gather in Groups of 8 with No Issues but I don’t Know 8 People with No Issues.
*kicks door down*
*realizes its the wrong house*
*leaves*
*comes back with tool bag*
*fixes door*
*apologizes*
Them: you should buy crypto
Me:
Them: ok sell it now
Me:
Them: nvm buy it back
Me:
Them: OMG SELL IT
Me: [pulls AirPods out] what
“Robots will never rule the earth” I say as I stand up at the beckoning of my watch
I don’t want to say my wife and I are lazy, but we finally folded laundry yesterday and half the clothes don’t fit us anymore.
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah, it’s me, your partner
I go by many names but I’m usually referred to as Plan B.
If you’re in Burger King longer than 5 minutes, you’re the manager
son: Where’s mom? I need her to sign my permission slip
me: I can do it
son: My teacher said it has to be an adult
LIFE HACK: solve every murder mystery by being the murderer
We’ve known each other for a while now and we both feel a deep connection. I think we’re ready to take this to the next level. Tonight I’m going to explain the metric system to you.
[•[•[•[•[•[•[•_•]•]•]•]•]•]•] Lego guy gang comin right at u
It’s amazing how a simple act of kindness can change my bad mood into a suspicious bad mood.
If someone says “With all due respect,” what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you.
Our UPS guy has won 389 FitBit challenges just from walking back and forth to our front door.
My kids spent two hours “cleaning” and accomplished literally nothing.
Then I told them they had ten minutes to pick up everything or they were grounded.
Then they finished in eight.
“All you need is love.”
-billionaire musicians
I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel. It was tomorrow.
So when is too soon to ask your friend if you can borrow their baby to reenact The Lion King? One day old? Two?
The glory of fall.