Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Things to say instead of “I hope this email finds you well”

-I hope you reply quickly
-Now, pay attention
-I hope many things but life isn’t fair
-Listen in
-Let’s do this!
-I will say this only once
-Your hair looks nice
-I’m tired, let’s get this over with
-Here we go again…

My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.

“OPEN THE DOOR IT’S THE POLICE”
who is it?
“POLICE”
what is a police
*cops start whispering*
“how does he not know what a police is”

If I wear a wizard hat and robe to my cousin’s wedding this weekend, I bet no one asks me if I’m next.

Like many people of my generation I was brought up to live my life believing in the virtue of delayed gratification.

I’m now in my 60s and it’s too soon to say whether it was worth it.

5: Whose car is this?

Grandfather: Well, let’s figure it out. I just got here and the car just got here. Whose car do you think it is?

5: Mine.

Every winter Olympic sport is just a variation of either ‘get down hill fast’ or ‘knife feet’

If you can make dinosaurs out of a mosquito in amber and some frogs you can probably also make dinosaurs that don’t want to escape and murder everyone feels like maybe Jurassic Park should have workshopped this more.

College Math: Your kid lives in a dorm room the size of a matchbox. When she moves home, her belongings fill every inch of an entire house. How is it possible? Calculator allowed. Show your work.

With every passing day the gap between being a negligent cook and being an arsonist gets a little smaller. Soon I should be able to take out a whole block with a strategic “trying this new egg recipe.”

Lucky old June.

nothing makes me feel appreciated at work more than management sweetly saying “have you been helped?” because they have no idea i work here

if it wasn’t for the internet, I wouldn’t even know the royal family exists outside of Bugs Bunny cartoons. Like when Yosemite Sam is a knight in a suit of armor and he does that pole vault into the side of the castle and he turns into a can of tuna? Man that’s pretty great.

-Balderdash!
-Codswallop!
-Tommyrot!
-Poppycock!

Victorian Era YouTube comments

I once ordered a BBQ bacon cheeseburger to go as I headed to work. I got to work and found that they forgot two critical ingredients:
The BBQ sauce and the bacon.

How do you forget two items that are part of the title of the burger?

DON’T STOP BELIEVING!

…..but feel free to be somewhat skeptical from time-to-time

cop: do you know why your neighbors called us

me: *into megaphone* NO

If someone sends you a link marked ‘Madonna Singing Naked in the Bathtub’ don’t open it.

It’s Madonna singing naked in a bathtub.

Me: I gotta find a purpose in life.

Later:
Blowing a feather trying to keep it in air

Whenever a guy peeps into my phone, I open the front cam and take a selfie with him.

Oh you’re single? Awesome, we should probably let your wife know.

We have a local weatherman who often forecasts “changeable skies.” He makes a lot of money to make that call.

My 3 year old daughter lost screen time for misbehavior, and now she keeps trying to talk to me.

Well-played, kid. Well-played.

“they arent wearing seatbelts” – my mom watching a car chase scene in any action movie

Me: If I walk 10,000 steps but do it with a dog, has the dog done 20,000 steps since it has twice the legs?

Job interviewer: I meant questions about the company

Pandas 🐼🖤

Of all the things we should be thankful for at this time of year, not being a turkey is probably the main one.

“Are you listening to understand or to be right?”

~ sometimes pretending to listen results in unexpected mutiple choice questions

Having a reputation for being irresponsible gets me out of having to do a lot of stuff.