Just saw the first robin of the year so you know what that means. Batman can’t be far behind.
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Her: You had me at, “I brought you nachos”.
Him: But I didn’t bring you nachos.
Her:
Him:
Her:
Him: Be right back…
Welcome to parenthood. Bring spare clothing everywhere you go. For the baby, for you, for your spouse, for the cashier at the grocery store, for the person sitting next to you on the plane…
Twitter is the new flypaper.
ANGEL: *creates alligator*
ANGEL’S BROTHER: *creates crocodile*A: *creates dolphin*
AB: *creates porpoise*A: *creates llama*
AB: *creates alpaca*A: *creates ostrich*
AB: *creates emu*A: quit copying me
AB: qUiT cOpYiNg mEA: i’m telling god
AB: i’M TeLLiNg gOd
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
The way my parents talk about their new cat, you’d think they didn’t already have 3 kids and 4 grandkids.
Our Ideal candidate:
-Minimum 3,000 years exp.
-Must have 8 PhD’s
-Speak Klingon
80 hrs a week
$7.15 an hour
Must be passionate about work!
Turning on a guy is like flipping a light switch. Turning on a woman is like wiring that switch & then building a nuclear plant to power it.
Who called it a volcanic eruption and not a lavalanche?
Aaaaaand…send.
Snorting hot chocolate powder thru a hollowed out candy cane at my desk because Cheryl said I wasn’t “showing enough holiday spirit.”
Son: Sometimes I wish I was a triceratops!
Me: *imagining being crushed by a meteorite* Me too buddy
When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn’t mean I love them. It means I love me too.
I PASSED THE BAR!
On the way to work and I didn’t go in! Yay me!
America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.
Bake a book inside a cake and help a convict escape into his or her imagination.
“ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME OR NOT?”
“What are my choices again?”
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz I’m going too fast?
Cop: Yes, go back a step.
Me: Ok, melt butter and peanut butter in a large pot over medium-low heat. Add marshmallows and stir until melted.
Cop: These Christmas cookies are going to be amazing.
Kids will find some random stick on the ground and within thirty seconds it has a name and a very thoroughly developed back story
uh yeah, I accept. No brainer
On this very day 6 years ago, I asked my best friend to marry me. My wife was furious. Gary was a little taken aback too.
It takes my husband longer to choose a rental car online than it did for us to choose the names for our sons.
We got caught Brian, just act normal..
What a shocker.
I just ran my car through the car wash.
And it turns out the car is white.
[At Vision Center]
Receptionist: Which Doctor would you like to see?
Me: I’d like to be able to see all of them. That’s why I’m here.
I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub
Sorry I said your cat was ugly.
Oh, and sorry for thinking your baby was a cat.
[opens GPS voice command]
FIND DOGS TO PET
Me, seeing five little monkeys jumping on the bed: *closes door*
There once was a poet on Twitter
who grew increasingly bitter.
He couldn’t surmount
the strict character count
and so his poems got even shi