just saw the gorilla thing. what kind of thoughtless, negligent parent would raise their child in ohio
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White girl frustrated in the 1700’s:
“I shan’t even”
Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: “Toast”
The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.
Anytime I see a teacher sitting backwards in a chair, I’m like, “Oh damn. This guy is about to test the boundaries of traditional education”
*forgets Netflix password*
*sends email reset*
*forgets email password*
*sends reset to backup*
20 resets later:
*opens 2nd Netflix account*
I have the credit card bills of a much wealthier man.
My 4-year-old usually wears his hair in a ponytail, but he wants it cut this weekend. This change will make me a little sad, but I also hope it hides his 1980s movie villain personality.
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making.
It’s true.
After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
If I did one of those wine and paint nights the instructor would be like wow look at you, you are really good at wine.
a pizza is basicaly a real-time pie chart of how much pizza i am going to eat
My neighbor rolled her garbage bins out at 5:30am so in turn I entered her cell number on five car warranty websites
What do you mean your dog doesn’t have a middle name. How does he know when you’re angry.
Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it…
…anyway, my son is taking history again this fall.
“Why are the balloon bouquets more expensive than packaged balloons? It’s just air!”
Exactly
“What?”
It’s inflation
“I hate you”
Can’t believe it’s 2024 and the only options napkin dispensers offer are one shredded napkin or 20 napkins.
asked my mom about this guy Ben in my hometown and she said “no one cares about that Ben anymore, there’s a hotter Ben now”
someone’s job on Star Trek TNG was sourcing ridiculous little cups and they were incredible at it
This story lives rent free in my head:
Lord of the Rings star Sean Astin once asked Lesnie [LotR cinematographer] ‘where is the light coming from? ‘ when they were shooting in what should have been a darkened tower.
Lesnie replied, “Same place as the music.”
BRONTOSAURUS: Why don’t you wear that sweater I bought you?
T. REX: I don’t think I could pull it off
-911 Whats the emergency?
My wife is suffocating me
-Literally or figuratively sir?
Well thats a stupid question. How would I be talking?
I’m aging like an avocado. By the time I finally noticed my prime it was too late.
“Nice one.”
– me to my son, who is just learning to write numbers
Never make a promise you can’t keep rescheduling.
CW: I think you’re two-faced
Me: Why don’t you say that to my face
CW: I just did!
Me: No. My other face.
Cop:” So you confess to striking the victim with I must say, rather impressive moves.”
Me: “Mr Miyagi is my Sensai.”
Cop:”It is still considered assault though.”
Me:”It was self-defense, Sir!”
Mr Miyagi: “Anna San, they were smacking their lips and slurping on their salad.”
Yoga bends.
Yoga stretches.
Yoga realizes is out of shape.
Yoga pants.
Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”
Doctor: “40”
Well it’s now clear to me that this crime scene would be considered, what? Pants required? Pants preferred?
Hey, is that guy dead?
Kinda rude TikTok has “hiding your double chin hacks” in my algorithm.
[buying condoms]
assistant: would you like a bag?
me: are they cheaper?