Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have patio furniture in the friend zone.

Just saw an eagle swoop down and pick up a baby bunny, so cute when animals are friends!

People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.

Reminded of the time I was at college, coming home to find my ma worried sick because there’d been rioting in Belfast. ‘I didn’t see any of it’, I said.

10 o’clock news comes on and there I am walking past a police land-rover being attacked with my headphones in. None the wiser.

Oh, you’re a parent? Then how many times have you moved a cup back from the edge of the table this week?

cat: *rolls over on back* pet my belly

me: no i know this is a trap

cat:

me:

cat:

me: fine *goes to pet belly*

cat: *claws & bites my hand* hahah have some scratches, as a treat you stupid idiot

My wife is not satisfied with my assurances that the spider is dead. I must also produce a death certificate, pictures from the funeral and the names and addresses of next of kin.

[carrying sleeping cat out of burning house]
seriously, what purpose do you serve

Sometimes I go to the beach just to show those handsome young men what they’ll look like in twenty years.

“GUYS! GET UP! THE HOME INVASION ALARM IS GOING OFF AGAIN!”

~My dog when the doorbell rings

I’m praying to 1500 Hindu Gods to help me finish decorating this Christmas tree

[wife talking to me on phone 45 mins after I go to play poker at friends house]
“stop crying for a second…what do you mean you lost me?”

Ran into someone that said “oh I haven’t seen you in a long time” and I was like I know I did that on purpose.

HER: (seductively) Is it true what they say about guys with big shoes?

CLOWN: They hide under people’s beds and murder them?

You aren’t supposed to strip during Zumba. Apparently.

*bank robbery*
ROBBER: nobody moves, nobody gets hurt!
ME: *gazing tearfully at a pic of my long distance gf* too late

My husband is really not letting me live down that one time we got into a super big argument because I thought buffalo were extinct.

Joseph: we have to walk to bethlehem for a census thing

Mary, 9 months pregnant: i’m sorry what

*hears someone breaking in*
*grabs gun and walks down hallway*
*cord drags*
*realizes I grabbed Nintendo gun from Duck Hunt*
*gets shot*

If you tell my dog he’s getting a treat and forget, he will stalk you until you remember. We came in an hour ago and I just figured out why he’s been following me around and staring at me like I’m made of bacon.

3: when I’m 5 I’ll do all the cleaning and cooking on the weekend so you and daddy can stay in bed

Me: *hands her pen to sign legally binding contract*

3-year-old was singing quietly into a banana and without looking up from his video game, her brother said “It’s not on. You have to turn it on.” So she pressed an alleged button on the banana and now she’s singing very loudly into it? Huh

TIP: If a friend ever says they have a chocolate lab, do not get your hopes up when you are going to their house because they are just talking about a dog

Don’t you hate it when you buy organic veggies and when you get them home you realize they’re donuts

My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is “what did they just say?”

i’m sorry i didn’t text you back i’m really busy watching the wolf of wall street in the form of two minute clips on tik tok

Where did you come from
Where did you go
Where did you come from
Pokémon Go

[Little Caesar’s meeting]
“We need a new, clever slogan”
*everyone looks at Jim*
Jim: Um… Pizza…Pizza?
“Jim…U just saved this company”

MISSING CAT❗️
-Answers to the name “Chancellor Parsons” which is really aggravating because we named him Mittens.