Just saw The Martian. If Matt Damon was alone on Mars, who was filming him that whole time? Clearly fake
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this cat is NOT cute!!! he a scammer and he just called an old woman at 9pm to say if she doesnt send a $50 itunes gift card the IRS is going to put her in jail for 87 years.
Kid 1: *super tired, falls asleep early*
Me: *gets hopes up for easy bedtime*
Kid 2: *hold my espresso*
Oh, more embarrassing things I have done as a lawyer:
While working from home, I joined zoom court with my microphone on, not realized it, and reacted to a knock at the door by yelling “I swear to god I am in court right now!” And the judge said, “yes, you are.”
A lot of people say “we need to” when they mean “you need to”. We need to stop that.
Me: Do you want to meet your sisters at the bus stop?
5: *doesn’t look up* I already know them.
give a man a fish, that’s a weird gift. try something cool like a harmonica.
I’m no expert, but I would guess the internet really affected encyclopedia sales.
As long as you don’t ever give them your real name they can’t accuse you of not keeping the mystery alive in your relationship
Me: so what does your husband do?
Her: he’s a dermatologist
Me: pore guy :/
Rubbing coffee grounds on your body makes your skin glow but it also gets you kicked out of Starbucks.
Grease is my favourite movie about how smoking gets you a boyfriend.
My webcam business is failing, it’s like men would rather not pay to watch me cry.
Oh my God.
Man: Is there a doctor in the house?
Dr: I have a PHD in literature
Man: This man is having a heart attack!
Dr: Thou know’st ’tis common; all that lives must die…
My 7 year old asked me if he could have a poster of an “artist named Eminem” and I flexed on him by telling him how I saw Eminem live in his hometown of Detroit.
right now there are two wolves inside me but i feel like i could still eat like one half more wolf
Iceland has a population smaller than Tampa yet we let them sit there at the UN all smug. Always bragging about how they have cured their society of like IBS and it turns out the one guy who had it just moved away.
“What movie?” 🤔
I can’t wait until Twitter gives you the option to block yourself. I say some real dumb shit on here and I shouldn’t have to deal with it.
Wife: You’re really on a roll today.
Me: : *wearing croissants as slippers* Please leave the dad jokes to me.
I’m concerned that the Mars Perseverance rover is stealing jobs from space cowboys
Ice cream guys gotta be furious about the moment food trucks are having. They spend hot summers driving around neighborhoods in search of a clientele with basically no money. Food trucks just drop anchor in an office park and suddenly everyone loses their shit for grilled cheese.
Why do they call it “book club” and not “no one had time to read it but we’re still gonna get together and drink club”
Oxford comma: I had eggs, toast, and orange juice.
University of Phoenix comma: I had, eggs toas,t and, orange juice,
Me: it is he about whom the prophecy foretold, and for whom we have waited lo these many centuries
Cable guy:
there should be a tented fingers emoji. for when you’re feeling ruminative
ME: this one time me and my friends went camping and-
DATE: “my friends and i”
ME: so this one time me and my friends and i went camping and
Returns clerk: Was something wrong with this birdseed?
Me: It didn’t grow a single bird.
One night in college, my roommate got super drunk pretty quickly and ended up getting sick. We handed her a trashcan, with trash already in it. She puked a few times and started crying, and then looked in the can and yelled, OMG I THREW UP A FORK?!
Doing United States puzzle with 7 when he tells me that “Alabama should be called Mr. Sippi since it’s next to Mrs. Sippi.”