Just saw The Martian. If Matt Damon was alone on Mars, who was filming him that whole time? Clearly fake
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Made a deal with my wife a few months back that if was if she was still pregnant come #Halloween, she’d dress up as Bob Wylie. She lost… and all of Twitter has now won. #Browns
🎶Summer lovin’, had me a blast
Summer lovin’ is especially sweaty🎶
was reading about defunct airlines again and i can’t believe they named it this
Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was quarantined because of the plague, he wrote King Lear.
DOG BOSS: Any messages for me?
DOG ASSISTANT: just one from Mr. Agoodboy
DOG BOSS: who’s Agoodboy?
DOG ASSISTANT: *tail starts wagging*
My boss, Mr Yogurtson, just reprimanded me for not eating yogurt in a meeting
Getting caught doing nothing is NOT an option
Husband, opening our kitchen drawer while asking, “Do we know where the scissors have disappeared?” Looks around and promptly closes the drawer.
Me, opening the same kitchen drawer without looking in, hands him the scissors.
that moment when your spouse asks if you’re listening and yes is not the right answer but no is also not the right answer
All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into the 1st day of school: Everyone has Ebola
I hate it when people say “Oh, I’m a vegetarian except for fish”.
Yeah? And I’m a non-smoker except for cigarettes. #WorldVeganDay
Handing out samples at Costco:
“These are mini hand sanitizer/toilet paper sandwiches, they’re really popular right now”
I have a very defined ab.
That’s not a typo, I only have a single ab
My bumper sticker says “My kid is your honor student’s drug dealer.”
Me: he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not.
Police officer: ma’am this is a lineup
waiter: I’ll be right back with your ticket
me: can you just let me go with a warning this time
I want to be a lighthouse keeper who doesn’t go mad but instead maintains a healthy balance between making sure the light stays lit and my friends and family understand they come first unless I have to change the lightbulb.
Cop *pulling me over*: alright, is there anything I should know about?
Me: heart attack symptoms of men and women differ a lot. Men have chest pain while women mostly feel nauseous
Cop: awesome, see, I didn’t know that. Have a nice day
Sorry I looked completely surprised that your baby didn’t burst into flames when I chanted The Power Of Christ Compels You.
Me [doing a lovely soft shoe routine and nailing it]
Brother: Are you serious? This is my sentencing hearing
Judge [teary]: Just wonderful
*neil degrasse tyson scoffing at his keyboard*
this bar is not in space
Thanks a lot bathroom doors with the gender written in weird symbols. I just want to pee, not solve a sudoku puzzle.
It’s so cute when my kids grew up and moved out
I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do
“Rapunzel! Let down your hair!”
RAPUNZEL: Hey hair, ya wanna go get ice cream?
HAIR: Yeah!
RAPUNZEL: Well too bad. Because we’re not.
[family WhatsApp group]
me: I’ll visit this weekend
dad: OK
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…mom: bring a sweater, it’s cold
She told me she’d do anything for 20 bucks. Guess who just got his Mustang washed.
You’d think I was wanted for murder the way I react when someone knocks on my door..
I don’t wish anyone strife in their relationship but i do wish my neighbors would enunciate a little more when they fight so i can hear better.