Just saw The Martian. If Matt Damon was alone on Mars, who was filming him that whole time? Clearly fake

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My personal style is best described as “didn’t expect to get out of the car.”


6: can u get me a drink?

Me: no, you’re 6yo. You can get your own drink

6: fine *goes to fridge

Me: while ur there can u grab me a beer?


I love sundress season, the way they occasionally and oh so tantalisingly waft up, revealing the treasures hidden beneath. But yes officer, I promise to wear underwear in future.


I made the kids put sunglasses on the snowman so he wouldn’t have to make eye contact with the neighbors.


Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht


Me: Is it open casket?

Friend: It’s a wedding!

Me: Oh god nobody wants to see that


To those out there who have accused me of selling out, of abandoning my beliefs and values to climb the social ladder: uh… yeah. yes.


god: [creating sharks] make them apex predators of the ocean

angel: sounds fearsome

god: ya but if you punch them in the face they just immediately leave


when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo