@sageboggs

Just saw The Martian. If Matt Damon was alone on Mars, who was filming him that whole time? Clearly fake

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@amydillon

My personal style is best described as “didn’t expect to get out of the car.”

@DaddyJew

6: can u get me a drink?

Me: no, you’re 6yo. You can get your own drink

6: fine *goes to fridge

Me: while ur there can u grab me a beer?

@Gupton68

I love sundress season, the way they occasionally and oh so tantalisingly waft up, revealing the treasures hidden beneath. But yes officer, I promise to wear underwear in future.

@Not_Uncle_Hoot

I made the kids put sunglasses on the snowman so he wouldn’t have to make eye contact with the neighbors.

@julcasagrande

Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht

@tsm560

Me: Is it open casket?

Friend: It’s a wedding!

Me: Oh god nobody wants to see that

@animaldrumss

To those out there who have accused me of selling out, of abandoning my beliefs and values to climb the social ladder: uh… yeah. yes.

@Shen_the_Bird

god: [creating sharks] make them apex predators of the ocean

angel: sounds fearsome

god: ya but if you punch them in the face they just immediately leave

@SunshineJarboly

when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo