When coining nicknames, be sure it reflects how that person has impacted your life. For example, my two sons Buzzkill and Third Mortgage.
Just saw The Martian. If Matt Damon was alone on Mars, who was filming him that whole time? Clearly fake
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I just walked through a spiderweb and invented the next Macarena.
DOCTOR: take two of these & call me in the morning
BREWERY: take six of these & call your neighbor a shithead
ON TWITTER FOR TEN MINUTES: aw sweet, there’s so many smart funny people here
ON TWITTER FOR AN HOUR: my life is now dedicated to vengeance on PatriotMike24396857
If YouTube ever goes down nobody will ever figure out how to tie a tie again.
Psychic: your mom asked me to take care of some unfinished business for her
Me: [holding back tears] did she have a message for me?
Psychic: *covertly shoving sex toys into a box* not really
Me: why are you on her laptop?
Psychic: *deletes browser history* she’s at peace now
Accidentally put the Ouija board in the monopoly box so now whenever you land on free parking it summons a ninth level demon
OPEN YOUR EYES, PEOPLE!!
AND LET ME TOUCH YOUR EYEBALL!!!
WHETHER OR NOT I’M AN EYE DOCTOR IS **IRRELEVANT**
due to the pandemic “following up” is currently suspended. if you try to “circle back” with me i will call the police
Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.