Just saw The Martian. If Matt Damon was alone on Mars, who was filming him that whole time? Clearly fake
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When I go jogging, I listen to a portable CD player, so people think I’ve been running for 10 years.
Might quit my job and become a content creator and live off the royalties for the next 19 seconds.
Imagine my surprise at the school Thanksgiving “costume” party, when I showed up as Poison Ivy and everyone else was dressed as pilgrims.
Congratulations to everyone who woke up with all of their fingers and toes.
my cat was hiding under my bed like a paranoid weirdo so I put his bowl under there and he spurned it all day long & I forgot about it and of course I just awoke to the terrifying sound of an animal devouring something under my bed
Her:[watching sunset]”Best date ever! Nothing can ruin this mo..”
*crunching sounds*
Me:[eating live Monarch butterflies out of a ziplock]
I’m fearfully awaiting the day my alarm clock becomes self-aware and the snooze button hits me back.
This fan has two speeds; someone blowing in your face and airplane engine.
[Swedish massage]
masseuse: *smashes meatballs into my back*
Mama? Is this true?!
#FewThingsAreMorePainfulThan
who wants to go expliring
Airport security: no liquids on the plane
Me: ok *starts drinking it*
Airport security: people usually just throw away the shampoo
When my tween pisses me off I like to blow off steam by taking my pet modem for a walk.
Them: what’s your favorite foreign film?
Me: oh definitely Star Wars
Them: ……
Me: it took place in a galaxy far, far away
Me: it’s also my favorite historical film
A lot of people think my handle is my actual name but it isn’t. My real name is Rachel Onomatopoeia.
Call me ignorant, but I have no idea what you’re talking about.
– “That’s exactly what ignorant means.”
I don’t get it.
“Yes, I remember you saying” – Translation: Please stop saying that
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
BOSS: no
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
Both hands Mommy!
-my 4yo the backseat driver.
jewelry making tip: a simple can of gold spraypaint can turn a chicken nugget into a gold nugget
They call it “childbirth” lest anyone think that women give birth to adults or kangaroos.
indiana jones: time to explore ancient caves, fight nazis, and seek treasure
idaho jones: time to eat potatoes again
Before Google, people had to go out in the alley and yell “WHAT’S THE NAME OF THE MONKEY FROM ALADDIN?” until they got some answers.
(Face painter at kid’s birthday party): …and what shall I paint on your face?
Me: Enthusiasm.
then why did i get this email
[supermarket – empty shelves]
me: everyone is hordeing
her: I think you mean hoarding
me: *watching the Mongol army massing on the horizon* I know what I mean
I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and still haven’t pooped it out.
I’m getting really concerned.
My favorite part of eating alone at this trendy restaurant was when the waitress asked if I had cats because I had cat hair, “all over.”
JOB INTERVIEWER: it says here ur a postmodern deconstructivist…?
ME: did ur parents realy name u ‘Job’? especialy with a last name like urs?
ME: I hit my neighbors car.
CAT: I killed my last 4 owners.
ME: YOU CAN TALK!
CAT: …
ME: Wait, what did you just say?
CAT: *blinks*