@sageboggs

Just saw The Martian. If Matt Damon was alone on Mars, who was filming him that whole time? Clearly fake

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@SoulYodeler

When coining nicknames, be sure it reflects how that person has impacted your life. For example, my two sons Buzzkill and Third Mortgage.

@Coastiefish

I just walked through a spiderweb and invented the next Macarena.

@drknstormynite

DOCTOR: take two of these & call me in the morning

BREWERY: take six of these & call your neighbor a shithead

@sannewman

ON TWITTER FOR TEN MINUTES: aw sweet, there’s so many smart funny people here

ON TWITTER FOR AN HOUR: my life is now dedicated to vengeance on PatriotMike24396857

@ObscureGent

If YouTube ever goes down nobody will ever figure out how to tie a tie again.

@Megatronic13

Psychic: your mom asked me to take care of some unfinished business for her

Me: [holding back tears] did she have a message for me?

Psychic: *covertly shoving sex toys into a box* not really

Me: why are you on her laptop?

Psychic: *deletes browser history* she’s at peace now

@c12h22o11balls

Accidentally put the Ouija board in the monopoly box so now whenever you land on free parking it summons a ninth level demon

@ambermruffin

OPEN YOUR EYES, PEOPLE!!

AND LET ME TOUCH YOUR EYEBALL!!!

WHETHER OR NOT I’M AN EYE DOCTOR IS **IRRELEVANT**

@InternetHippo

due to the pandemic “following up” is currently suspended. if you try to “circle back” with me i will call the police

@Parkerlawyer

Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.