Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.
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[sex in car]
ME: Remember when you could do this without fear of strangers watching?
BF: Yes
UBER DRIVER: Would you like a water?
[about to climb Mt. Everest]
Me: omg is there no parking ?
Doctor: Questions?
Me: How do I know if my baby is a raptor?
Him:
Me
Him: She’s a baby
Me: That’s what a raptor would want me to think.
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
*Texting* “Yeah sorry I’ve just got something very important to do. You go without me.”
*Pan out to me laying on the bed with a pan of brownies*
“MAKE GOOD CHOICES!!”, I screamed from inside the cop car
self care is telling yourself you didn’t hit the curb, the curb hit you
I like microwaves that spin the food around because I’m all, oh yeah, hot pocket, looking good, girl, from the front AND the back uh huh.
Me: i’ve lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks
Friend: Wow! What’s your secret?
Me: be fat first
Delivery Instructions: “Please, deliver the pizza like normal, but as you walk back to your car, slowly turn back and say, ‘Hey kid! You did alright out there tonight. Your father would have been proud’.”
I’m going to say sky diving is probably not for me since I just screamed when the toilet seat shifted.
Wonder who’s getting killed off this season on Sesame Street
The bad news: I shaved off my beard.
The good news: none of my co-workers recognize me and have stopped talking to me.
Studies show that sleepwalking has decreased among Americans over the last 10 years. Typical lazy Americans.
When the zombie apocalypse comes and you’re in Walmart, how will you know?
The twins brought in significantly less candy than I purchased. Running Halloween at a deficit is simply not acceptable.
I live in fear of my kids going outside when it’s raining, because they could get wet and multiply.
Got out of the shower this morning and went to put my Fitbit back on, the screen said “looking good.” Was more than a bit unsettling since I was naked. 😳👀
Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.
Alexa, break up with my girlfriend for me.
Alexa: You don’t have a girlfriend.
Wow you’re fast.
Ghost sightings are stupid. same with ufos and bigfoot. try spotting something people will actually believe. run into your buddy at the store
Terminally online people getting ready to drop the VP pick in the group chat the second it’s announced.
it says here you got fired from Olive Garden because you kept saying
“pasta la vista, baby” to people. why would you put that on a resume
Is there something about me that suggests I want to hear about your smoothie cleanse, because I can change.
Like when you make a mistake on your paper so you use wite-out but then it gets all chunky and busted and worse. That’s concealer in your 40s.
Sandi: “I watched a guy do 50 pushups. Could you do that?”
Me: “Hell yes. I’m pretty sure I could watch him do 100.”
soft pretzels come one of 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
I can feel my cat judging me as I lick the spilt gravy off of her coat.
Don’t ask me to kill a spider for you & then criticize my methods. Yes, I had to use a samurai sword, & no, I’m not sorry about your table.