Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.
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Top Five Accountant Taboos:
5. Unreconciled difference
4. Doesn’t foot & crossfoot
3. No journal entry support
2. Cooking the books
1. Sex
Note to self: do not get drunk and wear jeans that have 6 buttons.
You look like the kind of girl who would break my heart.
I have a boyfriend.
See, you’re done it already.
every olympics i turn into this guy
My boss is having a colonoscopy today.
I sure hope they find his head.
*tries CBD oil for the first time*
“OMG OMG I FEEL IT, I THINK I’M HIGH! I’M TOTALLY HIGH”
“Ma’am, there are little to no narcotics in that”
“So you’re saying there’s a chance”
Friend: dude you can stop eating now, you already won the contest
Me: the what
When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
Lost my job at Tree Humpers anonymous for asking if everyone was ‘logged in’
Boy, ISIS are going to be pissed when they find out New Atheists talk about God more than them.
They were right. I woke up this morning to find my house ransacked. My private belongings were tossed everywhere. My electronics are missing. Legos are everywhere, even in my personal office. There’s a pair of tiny blue Crocs by the door. Oh god they’re storming the bedroo-
a McRib killed my tapeworm
Son of Sam I Am, a serial killer who targets people who won’t try new foods.
you ok? you’ve barely touched your crocissant
What
No thank you free mattress on the side of the road, I prefer to get my crabs the old fashioned way, by sleeping with complete strangers.
Lust is not real love and Domino’s is not real pizza but both are fine when you’re drunk.
Do you think the courtroom bench ever comes loose and the judge is like “wait I actually have the tool for this”
family members leaving you things in their will is literally them saying “yeah I’ll give you this… over my dead body”
”Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
–MC Hammer giving a Museum tour
If you beat a man with a mustache in a fist fight, you get to keep his mustache.
*wife & I finally look up from our phones after 9 months*
“Have you had the kid yet?”
-No
“Well, I’m level 77 on candy crush.”
Honey, you know the part in The 6th Sense when she drops his wedding ring & you realize he’s been dead the whole time? Well I want a divorce
“It’s been months since I got laid.”
– Baby chickens
Meeeee too!
“Honey, I’m pregnant”
“Are you kidding me?”
“That’s another way of saying it, I guess, yeah”
If I woke up today from a ten year coma and the first thing I saw was an ad for the new downton abbey movie I’d be like oh ok thank god. Looks like I was only out for a few months
*doctor looks up*
I’m afraid you have forgetting about 80’s bands disease
“Oh god what’s The Cure?”
*doctor sighs*
It’s worse than I thought
Mom: If your friends all jumped off a bridge, would you…
Me: Be the one holding all their phones? Yeah, probably.