Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.
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What do you mean I didn’t win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else
Dogs should be allowed to drive.
The groom watches his bride slowly raise the hem of her beautiful lace gown in preparation for the garter game revealing a giant pair of shiny red clown shoes and suddenly the line about “in circus and in health” made perfect sense.
when i’m stressed i close my eyes and imagine i’m on a beach, neurotically pacing back & forth within a very small section of that beach
Like dad use to say, if it ain’t broke, obviously my kid hasn’t touched it yet.
Good times!
I’m worried that I encouraged my kids to marry someone for their character and intellect and now I’m gonna end up with nerd grandkids.
Shortly after firing up my Toro Power Sweep, I begin thinking of myself as a “leaf herder” and realize I need to get out more often.
The most disturbing thing about accidentally waking up at 4 a.m. is realizing some people do this on purpose so they can exercise.
If a man remembers your birthday, saves your pictures and knows your family & friends and shares your memories,
it’s not any man……
It’s Mark Zuckerberg
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
*brings butter gun to butter knife fight*
Dad to kid: “Connor, eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
Me: *turns around, eats all of kid’s food*
Batman: Life isn’t a video game. Your actions have consequences
*Robin writes ‘I’m sorry I forgot to buy Charmin®’ 100 times on Batpaper*
Everybody’s partner buys a new vacuum cleaner when the filter gets dirty, right? Just mine?
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
[dollar tree]
CASHIER: i’m sorry sir but we don’t actually sell trees that grow dollars
ME: get me the manager
[Murderer enters my bedroom]
Murderer: murdering time!
Me: not today murderer (safely positions entire body under covers)
Murderer: SON OF A
Me: This is great! I love hiking in the woods! You never know if it will be a Hallmark moment or a Blumhouse moment.
Friend: Why are you like this?
Me: It’s like a choose your own adventure.
After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.
COMPUTER: Enter password
ME: [types ’14days’]
COMPUTER: Your password is two week
ME: Uh?
COMPUTER: Computer do joke. Computer funny.
2-year-old: *points to my belly* Baby!
Me: Yep, there’s a baby in there! Will you love it?
2: I eat it.
Well that escalated quickly.
Me: How old am I?
Brain: Give me a minute.
Me: What’s my email password?
Brain: I don’t remember.
Me: Why’d I walk in this room?
Brain: I have no idea.
Me:
Brain: Your high school locker combo was 54-27-14.
My Dad always used to say “Into each life some rain must fall.”
Lovely man, terrible roofer.
I’m not a 10. I’m more like two 5s held together by cheese and chocolate.
Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.
Love bombing?
I’ve never even been love water ballooned
A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension.
The fact that I’m dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant
If you’re ever worried about what people think, just remember that people once thought smoking cured asthma. People are dumb.
My husband will prove that he knows all the lines of a movie by saying them before the character in the movie says them, but when I do it while watching a murder documentary it’s creepy.