Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: if i follow them, will i see their tweets?

Twitter: absolu-

Twitter algorithm: no.

My uncle Don got married outside so he could smoke

Me: I say it will be $750

Hubs: I say $630

Costco cashier: That’ll be $750.29

Me: Oh ya! I am a Costco genius! Woop woop!

Hubs: Yes, let’s celebrate paying the HIGHER amount

[Antiques Roadshow]
This mirror frame is a classic Victorian style, but the ghosts in the reflection are wearing Edwardian clothes so the glass was likely replaced

Anyone who has biological children can call themselves a body builder

I forgot my phone…
2005: I don’t need to be that accessible
2010: Let’s make this a short trip
2015: OH MY GOD, WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE

My mom has been having trouble with her joints – it’s hard to roll them with the arthritis

Wookiees don’t smoke, they chewbacca.

[God inventing children]

A: Aw, so cute.

G: Make ’em scream.

A: But –

G: All the time. Just scream their heads off.

I feel like you just get me. You fill my every need. You go out of your way for me. I tell you I am here and you coming running. It is just kind of perfect, right?

Him: Ma’am I am just bringing your grocery order to your car.

In a restaurant if there’s a crying kid the parents don’t take outside, they got 10 minutes before I bread it, dip it, then eat it.

You think you have it rough? I’m playing hangman with a 6yo who can’t spell.

sometimes i forget my high school chemistry teacher had beef with me, a 16 year old, because i told her i didn’t like the big bang theory

After exercising and eating right all week on Saturday I’m like the Kool-Aid man running into Chipotle.

“Men are pigs” – misandrist &/or world’s worst biologist

Me: “I’m still tired from all the crossfit this morning.”

My co-worker: “It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ and you ate 4 of them.”

Sad news. My girlfriend Lorraine has dumped me.
She found out I was seeing another girl called Claire Lee.
Good news is, I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone.

Dolphin son: dad, how did you know mom was the one

Dolphin dad: the first time I met her we just clicked

“You deleted your search history. Good move. But you forgot about something…”
*cop gets all up in suspect’s face*
“Targeted. Banner. Ads.”

I really want a Popsicle but I’m so not in the mood for Freezer Jenga.

[commercial for mops]

*scene of a man licking up a pool of spilled soda off the dirty floor*

“There has to be a better way”

Narrator:MOPS

You have to kiss a lot of short, black, flamboyant musicians before you can find your Prince.

“How is tofu made?”

Well, when an edamame loves an edadade very much….

I bought my friend a fridge for their birthday. You should’ve seen their face light up when they opened it.

Standing closer to me in line will not get you to the checkout faster.

a girl at starbucks complimented my lip gloss. i didn’t have the heart to tell her it was grease from the rotisserie chicken i just ate in the parking lot.

nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you worked

People will remember:
– you were in the corner
– in the spotlight
– losing your religion

My toddler just sneezed into the fridge, so I have to cancel all of our plans for the next two weeks because my family will be taking turns having the plague.

($800 for an iphone)

oh no problem here you go

(99 cents for an app)

HA I DONT THINK SO PAL MONEY DOESNT GROW ON TREES YA KNOW

“While you were gathering nuts and playing your silly squirrel games, I studied the blade.”