Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!!
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Me: I don’t know…this one has a great turning radius but the other one just looks better.
Husband: For God’s sake, just grab the next available shopping cart!
[at airport]
TSA: sir, you’ve been randomly chosen for a cavity search.
ME: that’s cool i didn’t know my flight included a dental cleaning
Pandemic’s been going on so long quarantine is now quaranadult
I asked Mom how she’d like me to honor her when the time came.
She replied, “What makes you think I’m going out first?”
The top Little Caesars pizza competitor is Big Brutus.
We’re making cars that are almost silent but can’t figure out how to do that with leaf blowers at 7AM in the morning?
Welcome to middle age, where you wake up hungover whether you’ve had a drink or not.
snakes on a plane sequels:
– snakes on a plane yes, again somehow
– penguins on a pirate ship
– dogs on parole
– horses in a bad mood
There should be a socially acceptable way to say, “I’m not sure what to say to that. Can you please say something different?”.
This 4th of July, please remember…
Me: Do you have any dreams?
Him:…I’m running on a giant hamster wheel and a squirrel wearing a tuxedo comes…
Me: ASPIRATIONS YOU IDIOT
me: I want to be inside you like one of those Russian dolls that keeps getting smaller and smaller
her: you’ve never sexted with a real person before, have you
Cop: You’re wanted for murder
Me: Ok. Who do you want me to kill?
Cop: What?
Me: Huh?
You know the sex is bad when you start counting how many bugs got caught in the ceiling fan, and much worse when you only make it to three
**reads: not by the hair of my chinny chin chin
As a kid: what tf does that mean?
Turns 40: ohhhhh
Avoid getting invited to family reunions by asking your relatives for money.
I fired myself from cleaning my own house. I didn’t like my attitude, and I got caught drinking on the job.
I wanted to be Batman when I was a kid. So I kept leading my parents into dark alleys in the bad part of town.
doctor: i have the results of your cholesterol test
me: did i pass? haha
doctor: no but you will very soon
me (checkin out at grocery store with 2 rotisserie chickens): hold up *i grab my phone although it didn’t ring* sure i’ll get 1 more chicken
{The purge}
GUY MURDERING ME: It’s “purge.” It’s a soft g.
ME: The purg. I feel like I’m saying it.
GUY: No, it’s “purge.” You’re saying it like “iceberg.”
ME: Purg.
GUY: *Getting increasingly frustrated* Say iceberg.
ME: Iceburge.
Each day is a gift.
Except for Mondays. Mondays are more of a white elephant.
My kids have been very keen on mandarins (which 3yo calls “baby oranges”) for the past two days so I bought a 5lb bag. If you have children I’m sure you can guess what is going to happen next
Barbecues are just a theatrical way of letting your neighbours know you’re going to be eating 2 hours later than planned
I would like a formal apology each time I prove to my computer it wrongly accused me of being a robot.
ao3 writers are a whole other bread. i feel so bad for laughing but this is dedication
Wolverine: [more mad than usual] I woke up today ON THE ROOF
Prof. X: [glares at Magneto]
Magneto: OH SURE IMMEDIATELY BLAME ME
10: Mom, would you hand me some gum?
Me: Sure, what flavor?
10: Swordmint
Me:
10: Sharpmint
Me:
10:
Me: Spearmint?
10: YES!
It’s actually Dr. whatever
