Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN

Taco Bell, Exit 22

Just found empty bags of goldfish and Cheetos under my girls’ bunk bed and I told them I was disappointed that this was the best hiding place they could come up with.

There’s nothing more realistic in this world than a 26 year old couple on a house hunting tv show with a $1 million budget.

Pete Davidson would have stole Helen Of Troy from both those mfs.

Always be kind. You never know who might own a hot tub.

interviewer: why do you want to drive a bus

me: the big windshield wipers

Look kids, you can talk to me about anything, any time, it’s important you know you can tell me anything, but, for the love of God, stop snitching on your brother.

The Macarena is pretty menacing if you do it in silence in the queue at the bank.

*taking training wheels off my old bike*

Mom: You’re not ready for this.

Me: I’m 37, Mom. I’ve got this.

*starts pedaling; hits a tree*

What’s the problem, you said dress however I feel comfortable for meeting your parents and it turns out this SpongeBob SquarePants costume is very comfortable.

“You can eat 50% of a mermaid before you’re considered a cannibal.”

My kid, using homeschool math during social distancing

DRY CLEANER: …are these
ME: yes, Taco Bell hot sauce stains
DRY CLEANER: but it’s an…
ME: yes, I realize it’s an ascot

[explaining the plot of my favorite book to my date]
me: so you know how most caterpillars are only a little hungry?

Dad at the park told me he thinks the age gap between my kids was a bad idea and seemed too hard. He says the age gap between his kids was better. Very helpful thank you!

They really missed the ball when they named it Gotham City instead of Wayne’s World.

you got mad on your own you can get happy on your own
-me giving a baby advice

“I’ll sleep when I’m dead” – me, before having kids

“I will murder someone for a nap”- me now

*concert*
Fleetwood Mac: thunder only happens when it’s raining

Neil Degrasse Tyson, at normal speaking volume from the back: no

New mom: any advice?

Mom 1: sleep when the baby sleeps

Mom 2: eat when the baby eats

Me (who has no children): check your email when the baby checks their email

No

one

yums like Gaston

Eats iced plums like Gaston

Knows you saved them but craves them, succumbs like Gaston

Realizing im one of those people who peaked in high school because that was the last time an authority figure accused me of being a witch

I told my 2-year-old to find her shoes

She cupped her hands & yelled “Shoes, where are you?”

I’d help her, but I want to see if this works

Me- WHOA, let me Google that for ya

CW- Google what?

* (types)why is my CW an annoying dipshit

* makes eye contact

*slow presses enter

Dance like no ones watching, clean like the cleaning lady is coming tomorrow

Important

Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.

Them: “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned”

Me: Hell hath no fury like a woman hungry and a man that won’t decide where to eat

An old lady on the bus just tried to set me up with her daughter. Here’s everything she knows about me:

1) I don’t have a car

If you love someone, let them go.

If they don’t come back, get a dog.