Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

today my sister said “I thought of you because I saw the stupidest tweet. just the dumbest freaking tweet” this went on for ten minutes

My 8yo made breakfast* for himself and his younger brother, and I’m so proud

*opened popsicles

I hope Kim and Kanye surprise everyone and name this next kid something like Bill or Jen

Nobody ever writes about Moby Niceguy.

Trojans: oh cool guys it’s that giant horse we ordered off Amazon

Greek soldiers: [quietly] lmao

The Wi-Fi is out so I guess I’ll have to go harvest DVDs from the field the way my grandmother used to do.

Sorry kids, no visiting the chocolate factory till you finish your tour of the slaughterhouse

Olive Garden said “when you’re here, you’re family” so I always bring a family therapist, a lawyer, a young priest, and an old priest with me, in case they are anything like mine.

Friend: Show her you will go the extra mile.

[Later]

Her: You passed our stop.

Me: I am aware.

I think my neighbor just noticed that I was wearing a pair of shoes he put into his trash last week.

HER: knock it off!

CAT: lol ok

Wishy-washy sounds like someone that’s optimistically clean.

I just want the confidence of someone who can sneeze without crossing their legs.

my tattoos don’t make me unprofessional, my desire to not work does

I just saw a couple walking and they both had ankle monitors, which just goes to show that there’s someone for everybody.

My first landlord was murdered and my new landlord is potentially kicking us all out by selling my building…which is all incredibly stressful because there’s just no way I’m going to get away with it twice

Staring sadly at the empty ice cream bowl that’s too small for licking..

One day I’m gonna be like “and then we used to lick the envelopes to seal them” and some kid is gonna think I’m out of my goddamn mind

Food trucks but instead of food it’s therapy and they’re called automofeels

Just saw IT. Cool movie, but I gotta ask: what was up with that clown?? Killing kids? Not good.

You people who pull back the shower curtain checking for psycopathic murderers … if you find one, what’s your plan?

I bet whenever a pilot drives a car there’s a brief moment of panic like “why isn’t it going up??”

I don’t know who you are, but if you don’t stop sending me phone books, I will find you…..and I will kill you.

my grandpa: [watching me set up an email account] your password is 8 stars?

Inmate: here’s the rule: find the biggest, baddest dude in the yard and…
Me: (sigh) don’t fall in love…

Pregnant women are full of ‘compressed heir’

5yo: I love tv

Me: if you love it so much, why don—

5yo: I’m going to marry the tv

me: here’s a glass of ice, ma’am

girl: i asked for water

me: patience, Linda

*extremely loudly* WELCOME TO MY TED TALK ON USING SUBLIMINAL MESSAGING FOR ADVERTISING.

*whispers* cheerios

ME: [opening present from kids] Partially eaten chocolate coins?

KIDS: You said you wished you had hundreds of bit coins!

ME: [hiding pain of crippling debt] Haha I love it