Just saw two identical twins out in public together. No disrespect to that lifestyle but please keep it private
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If you see me out in public but we haven’t spoken since high school let’s keep it that way.
Tried to update the Ryanair app but it downloaded on someone else’s phone 80 miles away.
The children of the corn are probably the grandparents of the corn now. Like “no Billy Bob, only kill him a little, grandpa’s got enough for the blood sacrifice”
(Puckers up & makes best kissy face)
Officer taking mugshot: Stop that.
Me: My neighbor who’s a doctor said it’s healthy to sleep nude
Friend: What type of dr?
Me: Optometrist I guess. He has lots of binoculars
“Wearing horizontal stripes will make you look bigger and really stand out.”
Young Waldo: (whispering) Some day I’ll prove you wrong.
*sees a spider*
I’m going to kill him
*turn around to get a shoe*
*turns back around and spider has 8 shoes*
Alright, let’s be cool here
No my carpet doesn’t match my drapes cause I don’t have carpet , Duh….
My mom at 25: Married, one kid
Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
When my large dog wants to sit beside me but my other slightly less large dog already is, he just sits on top of him
INTERVIEWER: that’s not what I meant by “what’s your strong suit”
ME: oh *putting shirt back on over superman costume* I’m quite good at excel
I eat pudding with a fork, so no, crossword puzzles aren’t really my ‘thing’.
Kissing: first base
Under shirt stuff: second base
Under pants stuff: third base
Taking two to make a thing go right: Rob Bass
I was just outsmarted by a revolving door but sure, I’ll be your baby’s godmother.
7am – So tired I could WEEP
9am – I’ve got so much to do but no energy
12pm – Can’t stop yawning
4pm – Is it bedtime yet?
6pm – HOW IS IT NOT BEDTIME YET?
9pm – Perkier
10pm WIDE AWAKE
12am – Hey! I’m not tired at all now!
1am – Think I might rearrange all the kitchen cupboards
Watermelon. The fruit that comes with a workout.
It’s the man who is supposed to be getting up to make the coffee in the morning. It’s even in the Bible under “Hebrews.”
Watching a movie on the plane? No thanks. Watching my seatmate’s movie with no audio and not understanding what’s going on for over an hour? Yassss.
doctor: I’m going to take out your appendix
me: oh okay *shouts at my belly* YOU HAVE A SUITOR
“and it goes without saying…”
*proceeds to say it*
you can hear the blood in your veins if you listen varicosely
you: *finger guns*
me: *collapses*
you: *thinking im dead, lowers your finger guns*
me: *quickly rolls on my side, points my finger guns at you*
you: *freezes*
me: *unbuttons my shirt to reveal a finger-proof vest*
you: *starts to raise your finger guns
me: *finger guns*
I was going to delete that tweet with the typo but then I realized it was upsetting people.
the main thing dating apps have taught me is that there are towns within 20 miles of me that I’ve somehow never heard of
prepare for carbonated trouble
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Damn, it wouldn’t even have OCCURED to me to say, “E Tu, Brute?”
I would’ve just been SCREAMING
10: Mom, would you hand me some gum?
Me: Sure, what flavor?
10: Swordmint
Me:
10: Sharpmint
Me:
10:
Me: Spearmint?
10: YES!
when you’re having a great time with your new toy but then find out it’s not for you
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New friend: want 2 go tanning w/me tmrw?
Me: ok. sounds fun. idk where 2 get cowhides. do u?