Just saw two identical twins out in public together. No disrespect to that lifestyle but please keep it private
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When I’m bored nobody texts me but as soon as I get busy as hell… BAM… still nobody texts me.
“Listen, you’ll get your money, I just need a little more time.”
I am crying
You can always count on me to bring my famous recipe of “bag of ice” to your summer cookout.
There are no more ventriloquist’s dummy comedians because the ventriloquist dummies killed them all.
“What is that the trees outside in the wind?”
– Me in bed, wondering what the sound of my dry crusty feet on my sheets is
wife: why is the automatic soap dispenser in the kitch- *hazelnut creamer squirts into her hand*
“I’m more night hamster than owl,” I say, pushing another wad of food into my cheek pouch at 2:00am.
[making a friend at work]
Brain: Make it weird
Me: *thinking* No stop it
Brain: Say something weird
Me: Get out of here, you
Coworker: What?
[phone rings in 1984]
“Eric get the phone”
Hello?
“Tell em I’m not home.”
She’s not home.
“Ask who it is.”
My mom wants to know who this is.
Safety inspector: I found two major issues with your Death Star. For one thing, there are no railings.
Grand Moff Tarkin: We believe railings would detract from the austerity of our bottomless chasms.
Safety inspector: That brings us to my second issue…
Guy from the Prodigy: I’m a firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Okay fine
Guy from the Prodigy: You’re the firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Aww man don’t drag me into this shit
When the boss says you have five minutes for lunch.
When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.
About 20 minutes before my husband gets home from work I spray Febreze, then he assumes I cleaned something.
What’s the name of the phobia for a fear of opening your mailbox because there might be a wedding invitation inside?
[hospital]
me: what happened
doctor: you were in a terrible car accident
me: am i going to be ok
doctor: yes, thankfully the force of the impact was absorbed by the stack of airbag recall notices on your dashboard
The manager of this gym is looking at me like he’s never seen someone sit on weight bench to finish their hash-browns.
vader: i am your father!
luke: so you’re the deadbeat who left us for cigarettes
vader: search your feelin- wait, what? cigarettes?
luke: don’t deny it. now you wear that dumb mask and talk like a robot because you smoked so much
vader: i swear, i nev-
luke: you make me sick
facebook is down where are we gonna keep all of our faces
Me: Please can you get my iPad in the lounge?
5yr: I think you should poo without it. I just play with my fingers and sing and stuff…
Me: *covers up with fleece blanket*
Wife: *rips it off me* This is for the cats
My one weakness? Probably my unshakable belief that, despite a total lack of training, I’ll be able to do karate if I’m ever in a fight.
Save money this Halloween by utilizing last years’ hobo costume to dress up as this year’s federal employee.
Never understood why ghosts haunt old, dusty houses. If I was a ghost I’d haunt Hawaii or Bali
I’ve got 99 problems…
<snap>
98 problems.
<snap>
97 problems.
<snap>
96 problems.
<snap>BRB… I need to buy more mousetraps.
For Sale : Used Facebook account ~ get up to the minute weather forecast, religious counseling and countless pictures of Jenny’s cat.
People who tuck their shirts into sweatpants…are you okay?
Me, responding to an urgent email on Monday morning that I definitely saw on Friday at 4 PM
I’ll always be here for you, unless we run out of beer over here and someone has some over there, then I’ll be over there for you.