Just say no
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My neighbor across the street does yoga in her yard, I watch her through my guest room window, but I don’t use my binoculars because that would be creepy.
I want my funeral to have invitations with RSVP requests so my introvert friends can decline but still feel good about being invited.
Her: “Men are creepy!”
Me, from inside of the closet:
“Yes, we are.”
If the CIA has my house bugged they’ve heard several impromptu songs about my dog being a good boy.
hand-to-hand combat, but its just two mimes trying to establish dominance by pushing on opposite sides of the same imaginary box’s wall
Ear cleaning technician sounds like a solid career path. As far as we know people are going to have ears.
[animal noises] it’s only those with a destination who can be lost
Me: I heard the Herpes Virus is linked to Alzheimers.
Pharmacist: True. Name please.
Me: I have no idea.
domino’s pizza: eric is on the way with your order, do you have any special instructions?
me: tell him to be ready to wrestle
HER: I can’t believe you made a pillow fort for day drinking in.
ME: ᵖˡᵉᵃˢᵉ ᶜᵃˡˡ ᶦᵗ ᶜᵃˢᵗˡᵉ ᴳʳᵉʸ ᴳᵒᵒˢᵉ ˢᵏᵘˡˡ
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME: ᴵ ʰᵃᵛᵉ ᵗʰᵉ ᵖᵒʷᵉʳ
HER: You have a problem.
Me: *notices the tooth paste is low and buys a new tube.
Also me: *somehow makes that old tube last three more months.
if a bear charges at you, don’t play dead. play nintendo, maybe the bear will join you and you’ll become best friends
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
the guy I interviewed just now not only got up from his chair to get his DoorDash order, he then decided to eat it during the interview (spaghetti)
If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE
My eggs wouldn’t ring up at the store and the cashier (an older Black man) said “it’s your lucky day!” And put them in my bag for free because “I ain’t calling that manager over here cuz I don’t like him. I’m old enough to be his father and I ain’t going back and forth with him”
Installing a new drainage system, so right now there’s an open trench surrounding our house.
But I am absolutely no longer allowed to call it a moat and my order for crocodiles to fill it has been cancelled.
Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
People who don’t reply to your messages within a second are so annoying. Also the people who expect your reply within a second.
Cat: HUMAM! AM LEARN U CAN WIN MANY MONEY IF U DO A BET ON AN SPORTS
Me: yeah that’s true
Cat: MONEY GET MANY FOOD
Me: also true
Cat: WELL
Cat: CAT AM HAVE FOOLPROOF WAY 2 KNOW WHICH SPORTS TEAM 2 PICK
Me: oh
Cat: DO A BET ON AN TEAM WHO HAS MOST SCORE AT END OF GAME
Me: thanks
*feels the wind in my toe hair
Me: you’re a coward
Tattooist: it’s just not possible to tattoo your whole body “denim”
Dammit Chief not again
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
I always carry a pocket knife, because I never know when I’ll need to slice open a pocket.
Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you’re nuts.
GF: …I’m pregnant
ME: *holding a 10-piece chicken nuggets box that actually has 11 nuggets* I’ve also got some pretty big news
Christmas adverts: “Eat all the food! Drink all the drink! Spoil yourself! It’s Christmas!”
New year adverts: “Look at what you’ve done to yourself, you fat sack of shit”
Keep your friends close and your enemies in the freezer.