Just say no
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A dog or a baby can only survive about 6 seconds in a closed car with the air conditioner off in July; an annoying fly, 2 weeks.
Looking at pictures of myself as a kid taken just after my mother cut my bangs makes me wonder what she used to mix in her Tang.
Just heard about a magician in 1990 who tried burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete and was completely astonished when he ended up burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete.
So after 75 long days, this week is finally over
My daughter told me there is a small get together at school on Friday.
I asked her, “How small?”
She replied,
“Just you, me, and the principal.
Damn boy, are you leftover pizza in the fridge? Because I’ve been thinking about you all night…
You ever stop and think about how lucky your friends are that you put so much effort and care into the memes you send them
I’m prepared for anything.
Pull the rug out from under me and you’re gonna find another rug under there.
girls on tinder will say “your parents will love me but your neighbors won’t” like what are you gonna do? start mowing at 7am on a saturday??
[Lady is being robbed]
“Help, Social Media Man!”
[Social Media Man swoops in & creates a facebook page called Mugging Is Bad]
fedex guy: here’s ur package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
I thought I was being clever, putting the litter box on wheels so I could slide it out from under the stairs, but I have inadvertently created a Mad Max-esque vehicle which my cat uses to roll around the house, dragging himself with his front paws, the entire time shitting.
My boyfriend thinks it’s cute when I use the clap emoji but I’ve just been trying to tell him that I have an STD.
I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.
The IBS drug commercial that mentions “urgent diarrhea” implies there’s also a laid back, non-urgent form of diarrhea that I’ve never had.
*first day as a Walmart greeter*
Me: You know Target’s still open, right?
My nickname is Phantom Menace, because I also came out in 1999 and am not that popular.
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I didn’t floss?
DENTIST: *rips off cop mask* I gotcha now, you son of a-
Why aren’t we using these t-shirt cannons for burritos?
a person who loves cats is not a cat person theyre a dog person who loves cats. a cat person is sombody who is completley apathetic to cats
If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they’ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.
911: ‘911 what’s your emergency?’
Me *mumbles ‘I just got to the nursery and they replaced all the kids with PLANTS!’
911: *click
– Hey babe, do you like how I did my makeup?
– Yes and if you want I can go and kill Batman with you.
Right on, adults who are excited for Halloween. I too get excited about things meant for kids. Last week I lost my shit because I saw a frog
I attend online school everyday.
My kid joins in whenever he feels like it.
There is nothing more important to me than my family that I pretend to have when I order takeout over the phone.
Dec 24: Christmas Eve
Dec 25: Christmas Day
Dec 26: Boxing Day
Dec 27-30: Every day feels like a Sunday, proof that time is a social construct
Dec 31: New Year’s Eve
Jan 1: New Year’s Day
Jan 2: Reality hits
I eat something every 29 minutes just to ensure no one can ever make me go swimming.
The last time I did my happy dance I got pepper-sprayed.
King sized beds are tricky. Although you get more bed room, you also get less bedroom.