Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 3yo niece wants dead grapes.

Raisins, she wants raisins.

The BMI chart says that for my height I should weigh 160 lbs.

My skeleton weighs 160 lbs.

Is it soup spoon or dessert spoon when eating a jar of mayonnaise?

Meeting with a realtor to sell my moms house:

Realtor: What’s best about this area?
Mom: My sisters are close by.
Realtor: I meant, why would someone want to live here?
Mom: It’s better than being homeless.
Realtor:
Mom: And my sisters are really nice.

Things could be worse. You could have to fight a chicken to get to the recipe.

DOG 911: What’s ur emer-

DOG: OWNER IS CATCHIN POKEMON

DOG 911: So

DOG: HE’S THROWING BALLS BUT I CAN’T FIND THEM

DOG 911: OMG

DOG: OMG

Sure I feel bad for Marty McFly having to take his mum to the dance so his parents meet, but poor John Connor had to send his mate back in time to bang his mum or he wouldn’t have been born

Me: I’m terrified and jealous of your violent happiness.

Friend That Knows How To Tap Dance: I understand.

cover letters are so embarrassing. why am i writing a love letter to this email job

Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is

If you dated Taylor Swift and had a bad breakup and then she *didn’t* write a song about you, I bet that would hurt even more.

STUDENT: Will there be a final?
PROFESSOR: Does a bear shit in the woods?
BEAR STUDENT: *from the back row* Thats none of your damn business

I’ve been following this strict diet all week & so far all I’ve lost is my patience

If you take a closer look, you will see a piece of mind your own business stuck in my teeth.

Candy corn is the rare candy that’s worse than than the vegetable it’s based on.

At my funeral I want there to be a big ‘live laugh love’ sign with the ‘live’ crossed out

A recipe for laughter

You can keep your damn ferrets
And your dumb fancy rats
He’s got no time for goldfish
And far less for cats
Snakes are for weirdos
As are lizards and frogs
For him there’s only one choice

Stop normalising things, we’ll run out of the weird shit

There’s a lot of coyotes in my neighborhood. I’m so afraid that one of these days I’ll end up walking right into a tunnel painted on a brick wall.

Optimus Prime: “I transform from a robot into a truck. You?”

Amazon Prime: “I transform money into regrettable internet purchases at 2 AM.”

if you want more reason to fell in love with Hozier, remember he said this:

Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.

I am ‘yay my plans to go out got cancelled’ years old

No one warns you about being a parent. So, be prepared to never have matching anything ever again

Be the reason someone gets out of bed in the morning, even if it is just to make sure the door is locked.

Act happy in the supermarket checkout line to contradict the sad story unfolding on the conveyor belt.

men’s occupations according to their shower products: hunter, lumberjack, mechanic, lumberjack again

women’s occupations according to shower products: goddess, mermaid, moon spirit, butterfly,

Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise

I loved being in high school when the pinnacle of fashion was wearing a secondhand oversized flannel over your black spaghetti strap tank top