Just sayin’ cowboys are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between cows and boys.
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If my pizza delivery guy isn’t blasting Lionel Richie’s “Hello” from his car when he rings my doorbell, I make him go back and start over.
FYI: hey my wife came home in a terrible mood and I figured I’d read her one of my tweets to cheer her up, turns out that’s a bad idea guys
Sorry I had sex with your hot gardener, but in my defense, you did say that I needed Jesus in me.
me, minding my own business as a vegan:
someone: oK bUt If YoU wErE sTrAnDeD oN a DeSeRtEd IsLaNd aNd YoU hAd tO eAt mEaT tO sUrViVe
If you’re happy and you know it, thank your ex.
If McDonald’s was smart they’d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.
Microsoft Word is the most sensitive thing ever. You move something half an inch and all the pictures move, 3 new pages inserted, fire alarm goes, thunder and lightning, volcano erupts, stock market collapses
You’ve just gotta remember, some things don’t work out so you can make room for the things that will.
If both don’t work out…eat a cake.
Cold.
I want to live in a clean house but the whole living in it is really getting in the way.
Mammals for $500 Alex
“Slow moving mammals that spend most of their time sleeping & eating”
What are sloths?
“Wrong, What are coworkers”
Just for fun I’m putting these on windshields in parking lots all over the city on Valentines Day…
I can’t stop canceling dates. it feels incredible. this guy thought he was gonna find out how many siblings I have and now that mystery will follow him to his grave
Co-worker’s hair looks like he cut the wrong wire.
When a copywriter is asked to make a headline “punchier,” that’s both a description of what the requester wants and how they make us feel.
Life in your 40’s:
Friend: Come on…have a drink with me, it’s Saturday night!
Me: No thanks, I have to work Tuesday.
Before Batgirl can become Batwoman she has to have a Batmitzvah.
Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.
[first day as pilot]
Me (on intercom): if you look to your right you’ll see the Pacific Ocean. And to your left also the Pacific Ocean. Above you is the Pacific Ocean.
“Only 105 days until summer break.” -my kids teacher at school pickup on the first day back from winter break
WIFE: I’m leaving
ME: Well it’s no suprise, our relationship has slowly deteriorated and I’m not sure we even like each other any more
WIFE: I’m leaving to go to the shops
ME: Ooh get tacos
my wife says she’s never worked in tech support, but when something is broken she always has helpful tips like “is it on?” and I’m like ok geek squad
Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.
Everybody knows Tuesdays are the second marriage of the week. Optimistic. Hopeful. Definitely not like Monday, that so-and-so.
me: [explaining the scene in bone tomahawk where they split a guy in half]
therapist: I doubt your mailman wants to do that to you
Rest in peace, 974,832nd chapstick i put through the laundry
Me: Sometimes I think I have more imaginary conversations than real ones.
Scarlett Johansson: That’s very interesting.
I’ve decided to donate my brain to science.
[years later, my brain is used to prop open the Science door]
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to help me put a bunch of ducks in my car.
My husband took the kids to brunch so I’m gonna get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.