Just sayin’ elbow macaroni’s gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between elbows and macaroni.
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7: MOMMY!
Me: *flys out of bed* What’s wrong?
7: I don’t know what time it is
Me: It’s the middle of the night
7: Then why are you awake?
we never drank water growing up i don’t even know how im alive right now
Sex so good you see dead people.
My dog just kicked open my bedroom door like I owe her rent.
1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There’s no episode where a man asks a woman ‘what’s wrong?’
Person I tried to rob describing me to the police:
“long hair, wearing pajamas, honestly she didn’t seem very committed to it.”
My bank assures me my money is safe with them, yet they keep their pens chained to desks and most of them are missing.
Today I gave my son some chips from England. He put one in his mouth, made a face, and asked what flavour it was. ‘Roast Beef’ I replied. He promptly spat it out and asked “why would they do that?” Buddy, we’ve been asking Britain that question for 500 years.
Kudos to Backstreet boys, they really did straight up make a song that lasted almost 5 minutes about the fact that they were back.
“Fluffy died today”
“Oh my god I’m so sorry, was he a cat or dog?
“He was a boa constrictor”
“Well that made me feel better”
Best convo of the last 5 yrs:I explained to my son that his friend’s Mum had become a man: “You can do that?””Yes””Then I wanna be a dragon”
Her: I said I’d like to see you BETTER yourself.
Me: Oh. *slowly puts down butter knife*
PRO TIP:
Using a Starbucks cup to ask for change makes me think I’m worse off than you
Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.
Definitely a first.
It was pretty cool.
The man who invented Velcro died. RIP.
Just saw my kid throw the handsoap away with some left in the bottom because the straw didn’t reach the soap anymore. Um, you add water to that shit and keep going. This ain’t the Ritz.
some BODY once told me
Luigi Mangione
Me: If you could sleep with —
Wife: Ryan Reynolds!
Me: –the window opened a little bit, I would appreciate it.
Who wants to be my Valentine?
I used to think I had a Japanese friend.
But it was just my Imagine Asian.
One time getting ready to go out to eat my dad told me not to wear jeans with any holes in them and I immediately responded by asking how I was going to put my feet in them and he seriously had a tear build up in one eye.
A tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches in the area.
My daughter turns 3 today. Due to our tight budget, we’re not telling her.
Me [cracking open a beer]: Man, what a rough day.
Wife: IT’S 8 AM
godzilla: *godzilla roar*
me: godzilla, can we try using our inside voice?
godzilla: (sheepishly) …may i please have a snack
[being eaten by a shark]
me: babe you’re using too much teeth
[Invention of the airplane]
Wilbur: We’re ready
Orville: I’m still skeptical about this working
Wilbur: Hey, do you want to fight the moon or not?
Orville: *angrily making a fist* Let’s go
ACME gave a credit card to Wile E. Coyote with no credit history, just so he could capture a bird. This is why banks need to be regulated.