Just sayin’ elbow macaroni’s gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between elbows and macaroni.
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Hey I know I said never to text me again and I hope you die, but do you remember the name of that movie where the one sister is murdered and the other takes on her identity?
money maker
Sorry I’m late, there was traffic and I lied about when I left.
Got my first date of the year. i mean it’s a court date but I’m dressing up.
It looks like the world forgot to take its meds again.
Film producer: You’re a terrible scriptwriter.
I disagree. Me:
Even though she’s not Native American, my Wife always sends smoke signals to let me know when dinner is ready.
Accidentally bring the wrong kid home on Halloween once and now I have to listen to the same stupid story EVERY year.
people who put their finger everywhere: leave my dimples alone
How do animals in children’s books always have nicer houses than mine when they don’t have jobs & all they do all day is learn life lessons?
The one time I typed “the” correctly autocorrect changed it to tge
Swim up bars combine my two favorite things. Drinking and peeing in hotel pools.
*3:27 am. batman rubs his eyes as he slowly walks up & switches off the giant spotlight that’s creating the bat signal in the sky. he turns to the crowd*
what do you guys want now?
I like to put on a clay mask and lurk around in the background while my daughter FaceTimes her friends.
I want to be a large, Southern black woman who fans herself in church when I grow up.
My next door neighbor is constantly blaring loud music by a certain white rapper, keeping me awake at night. He’s become my Eminemesis.
How amazing is it that nobody in the same Kingdom as Cinderella , had the same sized feet as her ?
She should play the lottery too !
Guess who’s got 7 thumbs and a a set of keys to a cadaver lab?
The worst thing about life is getting comfortable and then realizing that you don’t have the remote.
I was in a triathlon once and I even led briefly during the registration portion
[therapy]
me: I’m really trying to change
therapist: that’s great
me: I want to be become a different person
therapist: how
me: *squeezes eyes closed* telekinesis
therapist: no
ASSISTANT: People are worried you won’t do all the things you promised.
TRUMP: I’ll just blame someone else.
ASSISTANT: Like who?
TRUMP:
Go to bed barstool. You’re drunk
Drive as I say, not as I drive.
Yelp review: This forest is so full of trees you can’t see a damn thing. Also, bugs. 0/10
At what age do kids start sleeping in later than “why do you hate me” o’clock?
Day 9: I mean, who needs New Year’s resolutions anyway
Kid 1: Hurt my elbow
School Nurse: Here’s an ice packK2: *fever*
SN: Ice packK3: *diarrhea*
SN: Ice packK4: *decapitated*
SN: Ice pack
Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!!
I think it was the second time my mom dropped me on my head that made me what I am.