Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Shows used to take a quick break for the summer and be back with 22 more episodes but I’m not even kidding when I say I’ve had an entire pregnancy, birthed a child, she has learned to walk and talk in the time it has taken for Severence to not even come out with a season 2 yet

Jurassic Park taught me not to exploit dinosaur labor.

if something “takes the cake” that’s on you for not guarding said cake appropriately

if you count cows instead of sheep to try and fall asleep it’s probably pasture bedtime (i’m so sorry)

If you’re having a bad day, it’s because Mercury is in ketosis.

MTV Movie Awards comes on in 15 minutes if anyone needs a reason to turn off the TV and go to bed.

5yo just abandoned his post as goalie so he could confirm we would be getting Chipotle for dinner. Because he is my child.

[Space]

No-one: I can hear screaming

I don’t understand people with clean houses. My house looks like a hurricane and tornado broke in, got into a brawl, and left

Her: “How is it possible for anyone to be an idiot all the freakin time!” Me: “I know, I’m completely exhausted.”

I always wanted to die like a king.
According to the increase in my cheese intake it looks like that king will be Elvis Presley.

I keep two glasses on my bedside table at night: a glass of water and an empty one, because sometimes, when I wake up, I’m not thirsty.

I don’t know, my pockets are always stuffed full of things I need.

Your Parents divorced because your Dad didn’t want to put your talentless paintings on the fridge.

Stop asking dumb questions on the internet; ask for money.

*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*

*Takes kid to pub*

*Bumps into wife at pub*

Crickets are really loud for something that gets eaten by everything

the only way to save the bees is by beeing fiscally responsible. don’t spend the bees faster than you earn them. start a bee savings account. set yourself a bee budget

First person to eat a banana: this is not good

First person to peel a banana: dude guess what

3 wishes for when I find a genie:
1. The more I eat the skinnier I get
2. One kid grows up to be a pharmacist
3. Other kid owns a winery

Many experts believe that the first person to live to 200 years old has already been born and all I can say is it sure as shit better not be me

Husband: so you know it’s ok to admit that you’re wrong sometimes.

Me: I’m not saying I’m wrong but I could have been more right.

If peeing was an Olympic event, I would win gold. But then I would miss the awards ceremony because I was taking a leak.

Me: It just feels like you’re holding me to outdated standards

My mum: Oh? Let’s see if my grandkids agree OH NO WAIT

“An apple a day keeps the doctor away” even works on PhDs if you have a decent fastball

im pitting my doctors against each other like divorced parents. tellin my dentist that the podiatrist said i can have sugar cubes

Lazy? More like “selective participant” am I right?

How can I relax when every aspect of my physical and mental state is governed by something called The Nervous System?

[Maroon 4 meeting]

Adam Levine: “Our band name sucks”

Drummer that no one knows the name of: “let’s think bigger”

Adam: “I’ve got it”