Just sayin’ people weren’t catching the COVID back when we were eating Tide Pods.
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[Tinder]
Dora: Swiper no swiping!
Swiper: Oh mannn…
Doctor is treating me with a steroid for my poison ivy and said it will make me very hungry and irritable, so no one should see any changes in my behavior.
i just ate a disturbing amount of hummus. my apologies to my dog.
this is awesome. I didn’t even know I had a first season. W
I found a bat in my basement & my first reaction was to run to the door so the light could get in, because I saw it done in a vampire movie.
Dear women who just gave birth,
Stop naming your child ‘Khalessi’.
Sincerely,
The rest of the human race
I couldn’t sleep because the neighbor’s dog was barking so I went next door and told her, she says I have cheesecake and I could no longer hear the dog barking.
Drinking 8 to 12 glasses of water a day is good for you because you spend more time in the bathroom and less time at your job.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back and make better mistakes.
That one tiger that got caught by his toe still hasn’t lived it down.
My neck, my back. My pizza and my snacks.
The answer to the question, “do these jeans still fit” depends on whether or not I actually have to sit down at any point.
What does it mean when you’re flirting with a guy and he’s just crying and holding up a crucifix?
COP: are you armed
ME: yes
COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count
ME [sadly]: then no
Cops are always like “Where were you when the murder took place” and never “How were you when the murder took place”
Son: the tooth fairy didn’t leave me any money
Me, forgetting he put a tooth under his pillow because I was up playing Fortnite until 4am: yeah I’m afraid she died
What do I “do for fun”? I’m an adult. It’s a good day if nothing breaks in my house, I don’t need Ibuprofen, and my favorite laundry detergent goes on sale.
My mom told me not to cry wolf, but it was too late.Wolves were pouring out of my tear ducts, filling the kitchen and adjoining living room.
Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.
Hey, boy. Are you a Swiss army knife?
Because you’re a smaller, less effective version of everything I need.
I am looking forward to 6pm Thanksgiving Day when Walmart opens its doors for its annual sale of trampled human corpses.
[pet store]
Me: do you have any marmosets?
Clerk: no we don’t sell—
Me: okay, just one marmo then
Damn … History Channel 😀
#archaeohistories
[Concert]
Singer: ARE YOU ALL ENJOYING IT?!!Everyone: YEAAAHHHHH!!!!
Me: ᶦᵗ’ˢ ᵛᵉʳʸ ˡᵒᵘᵈ
How to French Braid small child’s hair:
-Duct tape child to chair
-Separate hair into sections
-Sorcery
– tie with ribbon
my kids figured out the password to my wife’s computer and have been sending me these texts as if they were from her
Autocorrect changed Italian to Taliban, so now I’m sure the NSA is super interested in my ricotta cheese.
Customer: “Help! I got a text that there was fraud on my account here.”
Me: “Oh no, let me try to help. What’s your account number?”
C: “Oh I don’t have an account at this bank.”
M:…
C:…
M: “Then (inhales for a full minute) there’s no fraud on it.”
It looks like our local Walgreens is dressing up as Christmas for Halloween.
Hate flying? Try American Airlines. They do too.