“just sayin” who asked you though?
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My car won’t turn off in the garage unless I check the closet for monster trucks.
Didn’t have internet on my phone for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 15 books and showered.
Before Fatboy Slim was an international DJ he was a chef for William the Conqueror.
He was a Norman Cook.
Texted my wife that our 4-year-old jumped rope for the first time. Later, she came home & said to him, “I heard you jumped rope today?”
He replied, “How did you hear me do that? You were at work!”
Han: Leave us alone, you fat slug!
Jabba: *speaks Huttese*
C-3PO: The mighty Jabbs says your words are hurtful. He has a thyroid problem.
Divorce update: my ex is accusing me of stealing canned soup from our former home
People are having sex, kissing, and cuddling right now and you are reading this….. trust me I’m not happy about this either🙄🙄🙄
My favorite part of today is when I yawned once & my mother instantly snarked “but what do you have to be tired about?” with zero irony while holding the infant I gave birth to 4 months ago.
*scrawls note on deserted isle*
TRAPPED ON ISLAND! HELP ME!
*sends off in bottle*
*it returns, months later, with reply*
NEW BOTTLE WHO DIS?
When I was 15, I decided I was not going to be a grumpy old man when I grew up
I’m 55 now and I’m mad at cucumbers
me: technically, they’re magma lamps until you crack them open and pour the lamp sauce out, then it becomes lava
doctor: no I meant thoughts about your treatment plan
Overheard:
The one thing we’ve learned from this crisis is that if the Martians invaded earth, our first response would be to lower interest rates.
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
before u buy that mascara online ask urself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Singin’ in the Rain (1952) but with a Velociraptor
My 9: what language does toast speak?
French toast.
The scene from Shawshank Redemption where Andy’s free & kneeling in the rain, except it’s me after any conversation with my mom finally ends
Nervously, I close the bag. “No way,” I tell myself. “It’s not like she’s gonna count the fries.” I start to sweat.
If you get on the train while people are still getting off, may your tea be forever cold
JLo and Ben Affleck are back together, Lindsay Lohan is starring in a new movie, and I’m living in my parents house. Hello 2004
Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing
“Yogurt!”
Gurt: “Yes?”
My new neighbour is breaking the law by making noise every night after 11. Do I call the police for this or confront the newborn directly?
Someone taught my 3yo the phrase “what in tarnation” so now I know what it’s like raising an 18th century toddler with a potty mouth.
I hate this language when a pastor has an affair.
“He fell”
Bro, what did he trip on? His own unbuckled pants?
My wife and I toss a coin to settle our arguments. If the coin comes down, she wins, if it stays suspended in air forever, I win.
Ruin a hipster’s day by telling them how commercial you think their favorite band has become.
I’d like to criticize your fidget spinner but I used to own a pet rock.
Your Hunger Games name is the last injection you got plus the last thing you stepped on. I’m Tetanus Woodscrew