Just sayin’ witchdoctors are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between witches and doctors.

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“Are you ever going to boil?”, I scream at the pot of water that is sitting on a burner which I didn’t turn on.


[On my death bed]

My son: Before you go, could you make me pancakes?


*opens up a 99 cent store right next to a dollar store*


I’m at my most British when she says “teabag me” and I drop a sack of Earl Grey in her mouth.


Nintendo say they are protecting children from inappropriate language online by making their voice chat app so bad that nobody will use it


Hey I just met you…

And this is Crazy…

But this is a nice restaurant…

So, Silence your baby!


Doctor: You’ve got high blood pressure & water retention. Do you know what that gives you?

Me: Boiling water?

Doctor: Ha! No,you’re dying.


I never leave home without my phone charger but I’m always unprepared in every other way.


There’s a special hole in my backyard for people to hit me in the back of the ankles with a shopping cart.