Just sayin’ witchdoctors are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between witches and doctors.
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We need a grocery store aisle for 4-year-olds’ unreasonable requests:
– Chicken nuggets but with fish (NOT fish sticks, are you insane?)
– Cold hot chocolate, but the marshmallows still melt
– Crackers with fewer crumbs (ok, that one’s for the parents, but still)
*sets up booth, hangs up sign “$5 Mustache Rides!” *nobody shows up.
I knew I shouldn’t have named the damn pony ‘mustache’
Her: Did you see that science has developed bed sheets you never have to wash?
Me: Huh. I thought I already owned them.
I saw The Exorcist when I was 12 and when Father Karras asked Regan what his mother’s maiden name was and she boots pea soup all over him, a guy in the theater yelled ‘his mother’s name was Green’ and that was the first time I really understood what comic relief meant
people act so amazed at shroedingers cat being alive and dead at the same time as if they’ve never met someone who works customer service
Me: goodnight moon
Moon: It’s 6pm
Me: I know but I’m tired
Moon: I literally just got here
If someone says “With all due respect,” what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you.
Even though it means he’s a serial killer, it’s nice when a guy has piercing blue eyes.
“I gave your number to everyone on the playground so that their parents can call you for play dates whenever they want”
-my son casually threatening me as I tuck him into bed-
Writing, She Murdered.
Wife still out of town. I’m afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.
Just told my dog to say goodnight to his brother, the houseplant
Steve Miller: “Some call me the gangster of love.”
Rest of the Steve Miller Band: “Nobody calls him that.”
I need a new toaster. Mine has two settings: WTF is it even on, and Viking funeral.
MY ANCESTOR: [running full speed through a field to avoid a lion]
ME: [in an air conditioned gym realizing i forgot my earbuds] no way i can run like this
New favorite tiktok
My earliest family memory is of my wolf pack attacking and ravaging a deer. As always, Uncle Joe got the wishbone.
her: do carrots help your eyesight
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a bunny with glasses Karen
i think it’s time i give cats another chance. if any cats are reading this i just wanna say sorry for wanting to send u all to the military (even tho i still think it’s a good idea since u all have 9 lives) and i’m willing to start over if u are
Girl Scouts cookies went from $5 to $6 this year and I refuse to
ok I’ll buy 10 boxes
Victorian photographers like “Okay we have a two deceased relatives propped in chairs package or our popular one deceased, multiple poses plus family pet package. We can include coffins but the trend now is to have some fun capturing pics where it’s unclear who’s actually alive”
Even my cats are sick of the snow..They meow to go out..I open the door..and they freeze and look at me like “WHY is this shit still here?”
owing to recent events I will be moving to the big duck in Long Island
The guys who measure out the granite so it fits nicely in your kitchen were prob mad when they found out the term counterfeiters was taken
i guess his teacher was really pissed
I’m 45 yrs old. I have never turned on a flashlight without making the lightsaber noise
That moment when Exam Invigilator looks at your answer sheet and address whole class
“Students, please make sure that you are reading the questions carefully”
It’s weird how many of my ancestors were sepia-toned.
I like to yell “Stranger danger!”whenever my boss introduces me to a new client.
How come I need a complex, indecipherable password to get on Twitter but only a 4-digit number to remove all my money from an ATM?