@MrGeorgeWallace

Just sayin’ witchdoctors are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between witches and doctors.

You Might Also Like

@thepaulasuzanne

“Are you ever going to boil?”, I scream at the pot of water that is sitting on a burner which I didn’t turn on.

@krisv_723

[On my death bed]

My son: Before you go, could you make me pancakes?

@DaddyJew

*opens up a 99 cent store right next to a dollar store*

@1Bad_Scientist

I’m at my most British when she says “teabag me” and I drop a sack of Earl Grey in her mouth.

@KazHiraiCEO

Nintendo say they are protecting children from inappropriate language online by making their voice chat app so bad that nobody will use it

@WilliamRodgers

Hey I just met you…

And this is Crazy…

But this is a nice restaurant…

So, Silence your baby!

@djdarrellripley

Doctor: You’ve got high blood pressure & water retention. Do you know what that gives you?

Me: Boiling water?

Doctor: Ha! No,you’re dying.

@JessObsess

I never leave home without my phone charger but I’m always unprepared in every other way.

@Courtniss_

There’s a special hole in my backyard for people to hit me in the back of the ankles with a shopping cart.