Just sayin’ witchdoctors are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between witches and doctors.
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I don’t gamble. I don’t do drugs.
I guess my only real vice is Twitter. Well, that and lying about gambling & drugs.
i’m really good at reading people’s true feelings from their words. for example, my wife said “i love how you’ll just leave the dirty dishes in the sink and wait for me to do them,” but i was able to determine that she does not, in fact, love that
Man Who Didn’t Order Anything Online Still Checks Name On Package Just In Case Amazon Sent Him A Little Present
[kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time]
“They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb.”
me: can we watch something besides basketball tonight
him: sure how about a movie
me: cool you pick
[halfway through Teen Wolf]
me: you tricked me
He had the strength of ten men and the confidence of twelve morons.
I have strict instructions to my husband that upon my death he has to put that “in memory of my beautiful wife” sticker on the back of his car or I’ll haunt him forever.
But who am I kidding? I’m going to haunt him regardless.
Fun Fact: Bananarama had the highest potassium levels of any 80’s pop group.
Having a crush on someone sucks. If I wanted to gamble with my emotions, I would simply go to a convenience store, fill a slushie with 5 random flavors & let the lord decide whether it was delicious or not.
Guy – “Hey are you famous?”
Me – “No.”
Guy – “Oh you look like this comedian.”
Me – “I don’t speak English.”
Guy – “Oh! Where are you from?”
Me – “The Ukraine.”
Guy – “My father is Ukrainian.”
Me – “Oh, then I’m from Spain.”
Confusing my 12 year old..
12: Dad, you want to go swimming in the pool?
Me: Dude, it’s friggin pouring out!
12: So???
Me: I don’t wanna get wet…
12: Ummmmm… WHAT?!
My husband and I had a few cocktails while we were out shopping and don’t remember what we bought the kids. I’m so excited to see what we got them on Christmas morning.
the eight spiders I swallowed last year have woven together the microplastics inside me to create a tiny starship enterprise and are zooming towards my brain as we spe
Cannibals are so full of themselves and other people
Autocorrect changed “stranger” to “strangler” & it made me wonder how often I must have written about murdering people to teach it that.
Fitbit says it’s time to chase another victim through the cornfield.
A Roman walks into a bar and raises 2 fingers and says to the bartender…
“Five beers, please.”
I said I was mad at myself.
My 4yo son looked at me. “There are fancier words for mad,” he said, fixing my hair. “You should say irritated.”
Before I had kids, I thought I had a great immune system, but it turns out I was just really good at staying away from the type of people who sneeze directly into your eyeballs while telling you a story.
At my interview
Him – what do you make at your current job?
Mostly mistakes and few inappropriate comments
Bedtime:
Brush teeth
Put on pjs
Read
Turn off light
Put them back in bed
Put them back in bed
Threaten everything they love
Put them back
WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.
From your body language, you’re either uncomfortable or just waiting for your host body to die.
I finally got 10 hours of sleep. I mean it took 4 days to get there, but still.
A sleeve of Oreos each night will whiten your teeth. Everyone knows this
a ladybug has entered the household. and i. am on my way to introduce myself
Please stop referring to things as “Orwellian”. Some of us haven’t read his books yet and you’re spoiling them
Legend has it if u whisper IKEA 3x in the mirror an extra screw will appear & you’ll be haunted by the piece of furniture you ill-assembled.
I got lost from my family at Target and when they finally found me my 10-year-old said, “see I told you she would be by the candles.”
5: wow, you look so pretty
Me: thank yo—
5: with your sunglasses on
Me: am I pretty without them?
*UNCOMFORTABLY LONG PAUSE*
5: sure