Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nobody runs faster than a parent who suddenly realizes those kids have been playing silently for way too long.

Sorry I’m late. I saw a man licking the pudding off the lid wrapper and lost track of my entire life

I don’t know, my pockets are always stuffed full of things I need.

Insomnia: Hi
Me: Hi
I: Hope I’m disturbing you
M: You are
I: You know what we could do?
M: Let me sleep?
I: HA, no, let’s think about hippos

At some point you realize that world peace and inner peace are too much to wish for and ask for an extra piece of pizza instead

My wife has us watching so many crime documentaries, I swear I’ve seen a drone shot of every small-town water tower in America.

Quest givers are like: “That’s close enough, Stranger. One more step and you’re scagg meat. Why don’t you turn around and start walkin’? Or you could help me with a deeply personal problem.”

I got a $25 gift card to Sephora so I had to come up with $759.67 of my own money to make up the difference on my purchase

[inventing the pelican]

god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone

Telling a mother her baby is cute is like giving your compliments to the chef

me: I brought a note from my doctor

dungeon master: that’s not… look, your character has to battle

Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.

*signing sign in sheet*
(to myself): This will be worth a lot once I’m famous.
Hospital Nurse: Alright let’s get that pea out of your ear.

What’s the name of the phobia for a fear of opening your mailbox because there might be a wedding invitation inside?

The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.

There is so much going on in this video … I don’t know who to focus on 😂😂😂 hilarious

If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that most of life’s problems can be solved by owning a rat that can electrocute people

People keep coming to me for advice like they forget that back in the day I turned down a bitcoin to repair someones computer for them and did it for a few beers instead.

How to make it rain:

-Hang washing out
-Wash car
-Decide against umbrella
-Nip out for lunch
-Plan barbecue
-Style hair
-Go to seaside
-Water all your plants
-Open the sunroof
-Take a day off
-Have windows cleaned
-Paint fence
-Put cushions out
-Say “should be a nice day”

My kids are so sweet! Even if they wake up early, they’ll destroy the house quietly so I can still rest.

BOSS: “Send that email to the client and copy me-”

Me:*Boss voice* “Send that email to the client and copy me”

Password insecurity questions:
1. What was your highschool nickname? 2. How would you describe your breath? 3. What’s wrong with your toes?

Her: …so are you into playing sexy games in bed?

Me: Absolutely…Are you talking Monopoly?

Her:

Me: I’ll be the thimble.

I was craving BBQ for dinner but my wife ordered Chinese. She showed a wonton disregard for my feelings.

police bust open my trunk. it’s full of potatoes. i’ve done nothing wrong.

Help, I lost my voice. Is there an app that will yell at my kids for me?

I’m watching Fatal Attraction to refresh my psycho skills

Me at 15: I can’t wait to make my own money and buy whatever I want

Me now: *rinses off a sliced cheese that fell on the floor*

[cats] think i’ll go to another part of the house and scream at god

Everyone thought you could get a writing job from twitter but that never happens anymore its only for things like becoming the president