Just seconds before we make the jump to light speed the captain nears my console to check my calculations. I minimise solitaire just in time
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Here’s an interesting graph about WhatsApp usage during the Franco-Prussian War
Me: You should be nicer to me. You’ll never have another dad.
5-year-old: Don’t be so sure. Mom is pretty.
Me: I’ve decided to be a mermaid so I can sing and swim all day and have a coconut phone
Him: But, you hate coconut?
Me. Why the hell would I eat my coconut phone? Ugh. It’s like you don’t even understand reality.
The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.
me: babe theres a surprise for you under the christmas tree
my cat: *whispering* and also within
Blind Date
Me: I’ve read “The Catcher in the Rye” 5 times.
Him: I like watching Swamp People – they catch gators. What are they catching in your book?
[later on]
Him to his friend: Nah she drinks too much.
interviewer: can you type fast?
me: yes, that and SEVERAL other words
that scene in texas chainsaw 3D where alex daddarios character who is supposed to be 40 runs away from leatherface but instead of hopping a fence or going a different direction she hops on a ferris wheel and is shocked to find out that it goes back down
Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.
GF: why the hell are you eating cheese puffs in bed at 2am
Me: shhh… I’m sleep walking
Easter chocolate is the best chocolate. Everbunny knows that.
Idea: flamethrower but instead of fire it shoots hungry mosquitos out at my enemies.
What they say: “Wow, you’re really photogenic.”
What they mean: “Wow, this looks nothing like how ugly you actually are.”
I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up
waffles are just pancakes that ran into the screen porch door at full speed.
ME: [pointing at grave] What about that one?
GRAVE-DIGGER: Yep, love it
me: there’s a bunch of cars following us
date: yes we’re on a rollercoaster
We have 4 kids and people always ask if any of my kids were accidents. I can’t understand why people ask this… how does anyone have sex by accident
“I hate being single,” she lied, lounging in her king-sized bed all to herself
Officer: I’m arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia. Man: No wait! I can explain everything!
“Is there really a fire? Prove it.” -Mrs. Doubtfire
Urgh. Trying to buy a copy of Catch-22 online but the seller won’t post it until I’ve paid and I won’t pay until I’ve received it.
A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?
Welcome to your 50s. You used to be a lot taller.
My living will specifies that if I’m ever on life support nobody pulls the plug until I reach my goal weight
cat: i brought you this dead mouse
me: no thanks
cat: then please accept this barf
me: i will not
cat: am i displeasing you?
me: absolutely
cat: [eyes narrow] good
*2 days before payday*
Me: CLEAR!
Teller: I’m telling you that this is unnecessary
Me: *places defibrillator onto check* I SAID “CLEAR”!
Friend’s Insta caption: how do you spend your Saturday’s?
Me: well I don’t spend them adding apostrophes to unsuspecting words that’s for sure
Idea: Eels. Exactly the same storyline as Cats but they’re all eels.