Just seconds before we make the jump to light speed the captain nears my console to check my calculations. I minimise solitaire just in time
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Ever say hi to someone and immediately regret it because now you know you have to say hi to them forever?
I saw the Cheesecake Factory trending and thought it died.
I hope Usain is training his daughter. Can’t let a name like Olympia Lightning Bolt go to waste, sorry
Tell me a story and include details but not too many details like I don’t need to know about a suspicious mole
“Dad why was I called Holly?”
cos u were born at a special time of year
“And me dad?”
yes Summer and u too
“And me too dad?”
yes Easter-Egg
Beanbag chairs are fun and comfortable but you should never buy one because one day you’ll get some really bad news and you’ll have to roll off the side and onto the floor before standing up to comfort your partner.
Is ChatGPT my father in law because it keeps making stuff up and passing it as fact
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
Not to get political, but gravy is a soup.
If you watch COPS backwards it’s just a bunch of people overcoming miraculous obstacles to win free drugs
I was very proud of myself for eating a healthy dinner. So naturally I rewarded myself with a bowl of ice cream.
Learn from your mistakes. Make better & better mistakes until you’re making the best mistakes possible.
IF SATAN IS READING THIS PLEASE MAKE THE FINGERBOARD ON MY DESK DO 1 FLIP
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I open a bottle of some condiment when there’s already one open.
People pay for feet pics on the internet
Bigfoot: I’m listening
*A tiny bee’s eyes widen while putting on his tuxedo for his big day* “did you say Honeymoon”
(at the doctor)
Can u cough for me?
*coughs*
Can u exhale for me?
*exhales*
Can u make kissy noises?
*kissy noises*
Can you beatbox at my wedding? the dj backed out.
If anything happens to me and I die, please don’t tell my husband how many times I’ve used garlic powder instead of real garlic.
“Name?”
Well, some people call me the space cowboy, some people call me the gangster of love, some people call me Maur…
“Sir, have you ever been tazzed at the DMV before.”
I saw a woman really screaming at her kids in public this morning, but in her defense, the kids were ugly.
Overheard in hair salon: “I have LITERALLY no shorts. Like I seriously have only 4 or 5 pairs of shorts.”
This is why I can’t stand people.
Him: How does my football throw look to you?
Me: Like you’re good at science…
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around garlic bread” trust me.
I like to dye my hair when I stay in hotel rooms to make the housekeepers believe I’m on the run.
Who called it ‘The Last Supper’ and not ‘Jesus take the meal’
[Dinner table]
Son: no! I don’t wanna!
Me: you want to be like Popeye don’t ya?
Son: …yeah
Me: then hold still for this anchor tattoo.
My dog went to his room but left a decoy and I legit thought he was still sitting next to me for like two hours
Gonna get a job at Starbucks and write “Chad” on every cup.
You ever look in the mirror suddenly and think
“Damn who yelled Bloody Mary”?
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you like me
Cop: omg shut up I do not