Just seductively flipped my hair to the side and a partially eaten chocolate Santa fell out.
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Gabriel “Really? That’s how you want humans to reproduce?”
God “Trust me. It will be hilarious.”
I’ve learned many things from working with younger people but one is that you can deliver some pretty terrible news followed by lol.
Yelp is a fun game where you try to guess between whether a restaurant is bad or a reviewer is crazy.
Everyone says to marry your best friend but her husband gets all pissed off whenever I suggest it.
One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.
I’m so sick and tired of my friends who can’t handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me three time while carrying me to the car.
ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts
If plastic bags could be used as currency, my mom would be on a Forbes list.
my grandparents were such a vibe in the 40s
[Date]
Me: So what goes in the bowl first, milk or cereal?
Her: Trick question, I eat pizza for breakfast.
*We just start making out*
Plot twist:
“Luke, I am your Mother.” – Yoda
My teen’s stories have a beginning, middle, and I need $20.
Apparently even if you build your own Viking warship, raiding and taking over a village is still, like, SUPER illegal.
My wife’s favorite position was cat style. She’d sit 3 feet away from me. No matter how many times I called her, she wouldn’t come near me
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
Boss: I’ve been told one of you is just a robot car in disguise
*everyone stares at me, even Optimus who is drinking oil instead of coffee*
My morning commute was hectic today. I tripped over a dog toy and almost spilled my coffee. I made it to the couch safely though.
doctor: u might want to sit down
me: omg why?
doctor: you’re not the real slim shady
I secretly gave our Waffle House waitress a $100 tip and my family can’t figure out why she’s crying & hugging me & trying to get in our car
how do lawyers not cry when arguing
*STUDYING FOR JOB INTERVIEW*
•Never criticize your former employer
•Maintain eye contact
•Be positive*JOB INTERVIEW*
INTERVIEWER: Tell me about yourself.
ME: I worshiped my previous boss, *leans in close*
and we live in a world of limitless beauty.
“Quick kid I don’t have much time. In 2020 they will release a super virus in a strategic attempt to wipe ou-“
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
My partner bought a CD player that we can plug into our car so we can play our CDs and the Amazon listing features the following images. 💀💀💀
Deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (I’m sitting in my living room, he’s a large jug of red juice that bursts through the side of my wall)
Pilot: welcome aboard
Fighter pilot: [right hook]
“Is this a date? This feels like a date” -blind guy at a farmers market
#JohnTravolta
I have never laughed so hard in my LIFE
I can never understand what our accent chair is saying.