Just seductively flipped my hair to the side and a partially eaten chocolate Santa fell out.
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[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
Of course I look tired, it’s hard pretending to be awake.
Like a good neighbor
State Farm and I haven’t ever spoken.
*calls lost & found*
Me: Have you seen my patience?
L&F: Hold on a second.
Me: *click*
Agreeing to pick a friend up from the airport is nice until that time comes and you start thinking about if you really even need that person in your life anymore.
I ordered mushrooms on my pizza.
When do they kick in?
[Sherwood Forest]
LITTLE JOHN: Go through it one more time for me
ROBIN HOOD: Ok…we rob from the rich…
LITTLE JOHN: Right
ROBIN HOOD: …and we give to the poor
LITTLE JOHN: And then we rob them
ROBIN HOOD: What? No! Why would we do that?
LITTLE JOHN: Cause now they rich.
In an alternate universe you just escaped from a research facility.
The Wi-Fi is out so I guess I’ll have to go harvest DVDs from the field the way my grandmother used to do.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
interviewer: can you use word
me: buddy [putting hand on his shoulder] I can use a lot of words
I wish I gave Darth Vader different last words.
Before he died, I wanted him to mutter, “I should have stuck to pod racing.”
date: what do you do
me: i run a non-profit
date: which charity?
me: oh…no i’m just a terrible hot dog salesman
I’m going to open a camouflage store at the mall and call it
Just because you haven’t met the love of your life yet….yeah, no. I have nothing.
Him: Your profile said you were Catholic.
Her: *apartment filled with cats* Maybe you read it too fast.
With this onion ring, I thee fed
*howling & snorting* I don’t know what the big deal is about skipping some medication.
Go see American Sniper. Or go to your buddy’s house and watch him play Call of Duty for two hours
A woman could tweet “My dog just died” and she would get replies like “Well, I’m not dead ;)”
There is no life on earth without water.
Because without water, there is no coffee.
And without coffee, I’ll kill you all.
I’m not like other girls. I am Mothman.
I saw a girl wearing a shirt that just said CANCER on the front and it took me five minutes to stop feeling sorry for her and realize that was her astrology sign.
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
I didn’t think a McDonald’s Happy Meal would fill me up, but it did…
OMG, I ATE THE TOY!
“siri i want 2 get up at 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a potato clock
“no siri the TIME 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a tomato clock
“si…”
u bought 100 eggs
Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight, spreading goat cheese on a bagel
If u wanna be happy the rest of ur life
Never make a prairie falcon ur wife
They need a moderate altitude
To catch burrowing owls for food