Just seductively flipped my hair to the side and a partially eaten chocolate Santa fell out.
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WHY would you be happy about this?
Me: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender!
Date: Haha because you say something and he says it back to you
Me: He’s murdered 7 people
Essential oils? You mean WD40?
Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date]
Date: Wow your knee is huge
Interviewer: So why do you want this job?
Me: I don’t. I just need money.
My husband asked if I wanted to go on a hot air balloon ride but there’s just something about a flame & a wicker basket that makes me want to say no.
I heard a landline ring the other day and I legit thought it was a fire alarm
Every room is a panic room if someone over 40 in there ate cheese in the last hour
Dude. It’s just a crayon. Don’t do anything drastic.
Very normal stages of anger:
1) kinda upset
2) crying
3) imagining yourself singing a revengeful song to them at a talent show
[ spelling bee ]
judge: your word is feeling
me: can you use it in a sentence
judge: how are you feeling
me: ok
judge: wrong
“I need to print something from my phone.”
“There are a couple ways we can try to do that.”
“I’d like to pick the way that will take the most time, with the most opportunities for user error and the lowest probability of customer satisfaction.”
“That is the most popular option.”
[Dinner with family of Owls]
ME: Want me to say grace?
DAD OWL: No. We don’t do that
M: I thought you were-
D.O: Pls don’t
M: birds of pray?
I hope my kids love the gifts they receive for Christmas so I’ll have more things to take away when I need to punish them
Bartender – Would you like to try our pumpkin beer?
Me – Can I have a different bartender please?
Made it to that level of parenting a teenager where you hand over thousands of dollars to an orthodontist and then a year later she has crooked teeth because “bruh, the dog ate the retainer like a long time ago.”
Kids look forward to recess.
Adults look forward to Reese’s.
[Bar]
SEXY GIRL: Wanna go back to my house?
ME: That’s ok, thanks, I have my own house[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
a car is a metal ravioli and you are the meat!
Make me an entire website @funTweeters!
My husband has texted me 12 times from the grocery store with questions. He’s only made it to aisle 4. Pray for me.
It’s so disorienting to eat a shrimp and gain it’s memories
Before I drop a bag of clothes off at Goodwill, I like to take it for a ride in the back of my car for a good five or six months.
My dad’s handwriting makes a pharmacist look like a calligrapher.
Passed a homeless guy begging on the sidewalk. Had a twenty in my pocket and asked myself “Do I want this twenty to be used for drugs or alcohol?” I thought “Absolutely not.” So I gave it to the homeless guy.
I’m just gonna put an egg under my kid’s pillows and tell them the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy must’ve went out drinking the night before.
obi-wan: anakin has turned to the dark side what should we do???
yoda: raise his son to murder him we could