Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I forgot the word “vibrate” so I said I’d set my phone to purr.

[steps on scale]

Me *shrugs*: New year, more me

*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.

The best plant holders?

Retired bakers have nothing to prove.

Please send me love and light I went on a walk today and I nodded + smiled politely at someone but they were a Halloween decoration.

When my sweet baby daughter said “mama” for the first time, I never imagined that 11 years later, she’d be calling me “bro” on a regular basis.

My neighbor was complaining about my cat pooping in her flower bed but I didn’t have the heart to tell her it’s actually my kids.

Hear me out. Organ harvest festival.

My family: u about to go to work???

Me in my work clothes:

RELATIONSHIP STATUS:

Trains are cancelled cause of the wind, but uni expects me to still come in??? What makes them think I’m stronger than a train

House Hunters:
“Well I gotta be near the beach. A heliport would be a plus. I need 9 bedrooms, an IMAX theater & a moat. My budget is $314.”

facte: you eat 28 spiders in your lifetime. always 28. if you are about to die and you have only eaten 3 then 25 spiders arrive at once

I’m not John Madden, just John Disappointeden.

Welcome to your 40’s. You now have to second guess your age as you can’t believe you’re that old

Relationship status: held a door open for a girl, so she used the other one

date offered me her hot tub and started cutting up carrots into it after i got in

am i cooked

Got McDonald’s today and when I was handed my soda the cup inexplicably cracked and spilled all over me so sometimes I really wonder if my ancestors offended a witch.

Thank you Twitter for introducing me to brilliant people , but your suggestions of who is similar to me is making me reassess my life.

Superman hides his identity w/ glasses & a side part. I wear a quilt w/ eye holes & it’s still “Lisa, you’ve been banned from this Wendy’s”.

I have a time phobia.
*looks at watch, panics
*looks at clock, panics
*looks at thyme “This I can handle.”

Husband: Do you know where I put my lava lamp?
Me: 1970.

[1st day at Subway]
Boss: u said u’d done this before
Me: [painting myself in marinara sauce] I’m really more of an abstract sandwich artist

Me: When I die, cremate me and dump my ashes in the Gulf.

15: Ok

Me: And a memorial bench by the beach.

15: No, you’re not getting a bench, they cost a fortune. Not a chance. I’ll slap a sticker with your name on it on a bench outside of Target and we’ll call it a day.

23: Thanks Mom. If that’s even your real name.

gave a tox lecture and i made a funny joke and one of students says “haha my friend told me about this joke when you made it for his class last year”

omg my worst nightmare the students are finding out i reuse my jokes noooooo

angel: whatcha making?

god: *sharpening a fly* bee

every tall woman, looking at tall fashion models: okay, but where does she REALLY buy pants?