Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[to serial killer]

WAIT! If you kill me, you’ll never know how my erotic vampire fan fiction turns out!

*killing intensifies*

*phone rings

Me: Hello?

Telemarketer: Hello how are you today?

Me to son: Come here baby, SpiderMan is on the phone!

*dresses like a kitty*

*climbs tree*

*waits for new fireman husband to come rescue me*

Apparently “working from home” means “dear God why can’t I stop eating”.

I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.

We didn’t need tutors when I was a kid, we just cheated

i’ve had this nightmare before 😱

I will not be participating in the end of daylight savings time on the grounds that setting my clock back will add an hour to 2020.

Never buy trail mix without dried fruit or chocolate. That would be totally nuts!

3 eggs may not feed my family, but I found 2 boxes of cake mix and Mama ’bout to turn water into wine.

Our junk drawer is so big, it starts at the front door and goes all the way to the back.

The best backflip ever!💕🤗🤗

I wish my kid could throw a ball on the field as well as he throws a ball at something breakable in the house.

Thinking about this 37 year old baby from a flight safety brochure

I worry about people who write “taken” in their bios.
Where did they go?
Who took them?
Why aren’t we helping to find them?

“Dad, what do you hate most about being divorced and living alone?”

“It takes 1 month for me to fill up the goddamn dishwasher.”

I’m sorry you think my tweets are shitty. You probably shouldn’t have inspired them.

whatcha thinkin bout

You know I’m all about that bass,

‘Bout that bass…

I spent the last 2 hours standing in my driveway with the leaf blower, so I could meet my neighborhood noise quota.

who wants to come over and snake my drain this weekend?

(this is not a euphemism I am standing in two inches of bathwater)

[at Subway]
Them: What kind of cheese?
Me: Surprise me.

[at home]
Netflix: 🔀 Surprise Me?
Me: Not Today Satan.

I tell my toddler to “ask nicely” and instead of saying please he whispers his demands and I’m not even sure that he’s wrong

My kid just yanked out a loose tooth and set it next to the flowers he got me, and is that…is that part of the gift

(my first day as a transformer)

optimus prime: Transformers, roll out!

Me:*transforms into hotdog cart* CAN I GET A PUSH HERE

I hate cooking, but I am excited to debut my cookbook “Toast On A Paper Towel, 365 Ways.”

Cop: Sir, you can’t use hand-held communication devices while driving

Me: [trying to hide ouija board] What are you talking about?

Would u watch a movie about a teenage boy who screams “I wish I was dead,” but God hears “Deb,” so he turns into his 50-yr old neighbor Deb?

Love that every time I finish a snack I have to wave my hands around to prove to my dog it’s all gone like I’m cashing him out at a casino or something