Just seen a really sad documentary on the telly about a guy who works 60 hours a week crushing drink cans. It was soda pressing.
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The rats outside my apartment building are getting very bold. One of them just asked me for my number.
If you love someone let them go, if they come back without donuts let them go again.
HONEY I ACCIDENTALLY FILLED THE BABY’S BOTTLE WITH RED BULL
Oh god, is he sick
HE’S GOT ME IN A HEAD LOCK AND IS SAYING I’M A NERD. CALL 911
gwen stefani really let us down by not spelling something useful like necessary or embarrass
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
I don’t scram as often as I used to now it’s usually only if I’m in danger, or if the security guards at the fancy party realize my tuxedo is actually just a t-shirt
therapist: what’s your greatest fear
me: randomly going blind
therapist: i see
me: but for how long?
Man to Psychiatrist; Dr I’m very depressed, all my 3 sons want to grow up and want to be valets.
Psychiatrist; This is the strangest case of Parking sons disease I’ve come across.
I’ll never reveal my secrets.
Alcohol: Lol.
This grocery store is playing “Freebird” which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.
FUN FACT: A collection of Russell Crowe movies is called a murder of movies.
Shopkeeper:This is made of pure virgin wool sir.
Me:You see I m not interested in the morals of the sheep.Just tell me,will it keep me warm?
Nasa is launching a satellite to say sorry to the aliens.
They’re calling it the Apollo G.
I accidentally asked for a “large” coffee at Starbucks and some kid standing behind me swallowed his vape pen.
Do people who swirl and sniff their wine in the glass know that it tastes just the same straight from the bottle? Amateurs.
arnold schwarzenegger opening a flower shop saying things like “come with me if you want tulips” and “it’s not a petunia” and “your clovers. give them to me”
I was raised to be humble which I excel at cause I excel at everything.
You didn’t get fired, your job “fumbled you”
OF COURSE IT’S A GENUINE BEETHOVEN! Look at those brush strokes, the stunning use of colour.
Whoever named the ring tone was phoning it in.
This year, I’ll be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.
6-year-old: *shows off her new fancy pen*
Me: That’s so nice. Who gave you that?
6: My boyfriend.
Me: Give it back.
dear diary
today i got to first base
it was a rebel base
i destroyed it
If I reject your call the first two times, ring me again. I’m really just testing your resolve.
why pay a therapist to pinpoint your flaws when people on Twitter will tell you for free
Me: I want to-
Boss: Do not tell me you want to quit!
Me: What?!! That word isn’t even in my vocabulary!
Boss: Ok good. Go on
Me: I want to stop working here
Man, the way these journalists are complaining it’s like they only went to Sochi to use doorknobs and go poop.
Shout out to the pack of wolves that raised me to be the lady I am today.
ME: i’ve been feeling sick lately
FRIEND: maybe you should see a doctor
ME: *google image searches “doctor”* haha you’re right, they look awesome
SIRI: Brian, what goes “blah blah blah, I don’t know anything, please help me”?
ME: Uhh
SIRI: It’s you. That’s what you sound like.