Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

if you were really my friend, you’d know my favorite kitchen utensil. it’s the ladle. ok we’re friends now.

I’m giving my pregnant sister some helpful tips like how to help me lift this couch with her knees and not her back.

trying to keep bird watching fair so every other trip I just stand there and let the birds check me out for a bit.
maybe occasionally yell “YOU LIKE FROZEN YOGURT??” so they can learn to spot my mating calls

Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.

Let’s play a game.

What item did my almost 3yo bring into our bed.

A: A teddy bear

B: A blanket

C: A @$!&*’n toilet brush

“Annie are you ok?”

-yep

“Are you ok?”

-dude, I just said yes

“Are you ok Annie?”

-THIS IS WHY YOU DON’T HAVE ANY FRIENDS MICHAEL

*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*

Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other

2019: Crowd surfing

2020: Channel surfing

look for my book on Amazon: What To Do When Your Teen May Be Abusing ADHD Meds But Goddammit His Chores Are Actually Done For Once

Going to couples therapy with my alibi until we make it work because I’m not giving up on this relationship.

My coworker just proudly announced that he doesn’t believe in Santa Claus because he an athiest. Uh, sure bro, but also how about because you’re 34?

“My nose is going to grow now” said Pinocchio, rending a paradoxical black hole in the fabric of space-time.

“I feel your pane”- Guy walking into your window.

does my company policy say i can bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? no. does it say i cannot bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? also no.

Medical offices are like “download our patient portal where we’ll post your lab results then fax us your request for a username and password”

Annoy your wife by saying “wow” every time a chick gets out of the limo on The Bachelor.

wife: how did the poetry slam go?

me: *taping my glasses back together * better

Did it bother anybody else that the guy from that “Operation” game was clearly wide awake?

“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago

[watching Queer Eye]
tan france on TV: *holding up a shirt* this is ghaaastly. this is the oogliest shirt i have evah seen.
me at home: *looks down* *is wearing the exact same shirt*

Now.
What do we want?
Time traveller jokes.
When do we want them?

[black jack]

DEALER: 14
ME: hit me
D: 16
M: hit me
D: 23
M: hit me
D:
M:
D:
M: make it look good so my wife believes I was mugged

i want a small, tasteful wedding. no family. no friends. no groom. just me eating a big cake

Me: OMG my phone is at 60% and I have to go to the grocery store, I need a charger immediately
My 13yo: My phone is at 5% and I’m about to scale Everest, later

I really hope it’s a typo on your resume where it says you’re “goat oriented”.

H: You’re a narcissist.
Me: But I’m pretty, right?
H: Not my type.
Me: Funny?
H: Annoying.
M: The MOST annoying?
H: Yes,
M: I’ll take it.

Here
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-1 sided text conversation between me and my 18yo daughter because all I do is pick her up from places.

Ever notice how the most sensitive topics love to crash the party at the worst times? Like, “Yes, I’m totally ready to unpack childhood trauma… in the grocery store line.”

GUY: I wish girls liked comics.

GIRL: I love comics.

GUY: Oh really? Then what’s the Hulk’s favorite flavor ice cream?