Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you are ever a dog, just refuse to eat for like two days, and after that, your person will be so happy you are eating, you will get as much chicken as you like

Spam caller said “love you byeee” before hanging up.
Didn’t get a chance to say, “but wait, do you really mean that?”

Interviewer: “What did you like best about your last job?”

Me: “Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake.”

God I hate kids.

And people.

And animals.

And sardines.

And stuff that’s alive.

And stuff that’s dead.

I hate stuff.

I like cheese.

dentist: u need to floss

me: no

dentist: my other patient who wouldn’t floss lost all his teeth

me: really

dentist: in a fistfight

me: that sounds unrelated

dentist: it was my fist. do what i say

Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.

I’m not a professional actor, but I have successfully pretended to care how coworkers’ weekends were for decades.

watching Despicable Me with the kids, but pausing it for a quick PowerPoint about how stealing the moon would kill everyone on earth

Sex is a lot like Twin Peaks: I’m not 100% sure what’s going on, but I like it.

If a burglar broke in, my dog would lick their face. But bubbles, on the other hand…

ME: how can I make u proud?
MOM: reach for the stars
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: the closest star is 93 million miles away. You’ll never get there.

Me: why is there a graham cracker in my makeup bag?

4: oh, it’s probably mine.

Me: probably?

Came home to find 13 doing the dishes without being asked.

Now I’m just waiting on the police to get here with the news of whatever he did.

If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentine’s Day.

A cop pulled me over and said ‘papers’ I said ‘scissors’ and drove off. I win.

I hate it when women announce they’re pregnant five minutes after they’ve peed on a stick, just for the attention.

My mom waited almost 20 years before she told anyone about me. It’s called decorum.

Her: Sorry I’m late. I just had the most horrific experience.

Me: Oh No! Did Dorothy’s house fall on you again?

Anyone who thinks children are not just tiny criminals has never been shaken down for a dollar at 6:30 am

DJ: “MARRIED PEOPLE IN THE CLUB TONIGHT MAKE SOME NOOOIISE!”

*Groans*

*Sobs*

*sighs*

*a solitary gunshot*

“All of everything is about balance,” she says juggling three chainsaws, five flaming bowling balls, & a chicken named Englebert.

Happy Halloween !
Cartoon credit: Berger & Wyse

[neighbour sees me walking to horse barn with a shotgun] did it break its leg?
[me pretty sure the horse saw me practicing moonwalking] yeah

my girlfriend was cold so i bought her a fur coat. #Snowmageddon2015

[senses date is losing interest in me]
“my uncle was the guy who did the rap in Red Red Wine”

This year I’m the Invisible Man for Halloween, according to this bartender that apparently hasn’t seen me standing here for an hour

*Reads your ransom note*

*Edits for grammar and punctuation*

[smallpox]

Only 1890’s kids will get this

Stop telling people to cut toxic relationships out of their lives! I’m starting to run out of friends you guys.

[At the car dealership]

Me: See, this has everything I want, right here

Salesman: Sir, our soda machine is not for sale

My daughter, when I ask her to clean up.