Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Does refusing to workout count as resistance training?

I was really expecting to get murdered by some creepy person from the Internet by now.

About to throw up

This year’s Christmas must-haves? Food, water and shelter! #theclassics

Dog: I will do anything for you

Human: drop the ball

Dog: nope

I bought a formal gown simply because it had pockets.

My wife is thinking of getting her own Twitter account where she will just show videos of the aftermath of my cooking in the kitchen and narration of her just saying ” what the f**k Bill” over and over again .

Did cherry pie filling end up on the ceiling yes yes it did is that my fault 🤷‍♂️ with no documentation the evidence is only circumstantial

2-year-old: *points to my belly* Baby!

Me: Yep, there’s a baby in there! Will you love it?

2: I eat it.

Well that escalated quickly.

A group of crows is called a murder.

A group of people walking slowly in front of me at a store, is called motive.

#notsorry

me: the good news is I got the job. the bad news is I have to wear a suit

her: that’s not so bad

[next day]
me: *putting on a hotdog outfit* wish me luck

her: I see

[first day as a wizard] now, to cook the perfect amount of pasta

If you’re out shopping today I’m a size Nordstrom gift card

*first day of pilot school*

Teacher: Did you read the class description wrong?

Me: No, why do you ask?

The parrot on my shoulder: No, why do you ask?

“Turtle Power” is not an appropriate response when HR asks you how you plan to meet your objectives this year. Apparently.

the guy at the liquor store didn’t card me and it hurt my feelings so I said I was a cop and idk what to do next we’re just standing here

[cashier slapping the Cool Ranch chips out of my hand]: Oh no you don’t, nerd

Don’t wait until the last minute to procrastinate. Start procrastinating today!

whelp that’s enough instagram for today

A super funny prank would be if someone snuck into my driveway in the middle of the night and washed my car lmao. I would be so owned it would be hilarious

“Are you insane? Did you escape from a mental institution?” he flirted.

Sandi: “I watched a guy do 50 pushups. Could you do that?”

Me: “Hell yes. I’m pretty sure I could watch him do 100.”

HER: DM me later, okay?

ME: Okay.

*later*

ME: *sends her a message* Your party, weary from your travels, gather at the tavern in the hamlet of Oakwood. A friendly barkeep serves drinks to the townsfolk as a traveling bard takes the stage. Go ahead and introduce your character.

So Nickelback is playing a flood relief concert for Alberta. Like those folks haven’t suffered enough.

[at the gym]

wheat: *flexing* you like what you see babe?

*shredded wheat walks by*

wheat: SONOFA

When’s dinner?

-My kids an hour after finishing Thanksgiving dinner

tag yourself, i’m “man in green bird costume”

This guy at the bar just said nobody gets off earth alive. And he and his buddies sat there for a second before the chick in the middle says “what about astronauts” and I love her

cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5

the look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless

I have a black belt in leather

If you would have told me 20 years ago that I’d be posting stupid jokes on the internet, I would have said what’s an internet.