just seen a tiktok where this girl asked her bf for pads with wings so he got her pads & 36 chicken wings 💀
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ME: Wow I have to print this document right now
PRINTER: Like, right right now?
It’s incredible how fast toddlers move. I had my eyes on my 1yo and looked away for 30 seconds and now I need to pick her up at the airport.
She was murdered by the toddler. In the bathroom. With his hundredth question.
-Parent version of Clue
It’s not often I get to relive my youth, but today one of the guys at the gym said he drank so much protein shake he felt sick so I said he got wheysted and then he stuffed me into a locker.
There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who divide everybody into two kinds of people, and those who don’t.
duolingo: he is a boy
me: él es un niño
duolingo: she is a girl
me: ella es una niña
duolingo: can i make it anymore obvious
me: puedo—wait
If a giant talking rabbit were trying to steal my cereal, I’d probably be too busy screaming and stabbing to call him “silly.”
You never hear of Albert Einstein’s evil twin brother, Frank.
ME: *opens car door for date like a gentleman*
DATE: *running and out of breath* PLEASE STOP THE CAR
her: did you bring protection?
me: of course [into earpiece] if she tries anything, take the shot
If I had a nickel for every time I had a nickel I would just continue getting nickels until I had all the nickels.
“You can definitely fit thru there…just get a running start”
~ whiskey
Weird; People in my office have started naming the food in the company fridge. Today I ate a tuna sandwich named Kevin.
[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?
[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?
Therapist: and what do we do when we’re feeling sad?
Me: put on a flowy duster and a fringed scarf and sing along to Landslide on repeat while we sway back and forth and channel the goddess Stevie
Therapist [downloading Fleetwood Mac]: this session is on me
I started working for a paycheck 30 years ago last month & my jaw has been clenched ever since.
ER Dr: What are you doing?
Me: I’m decorating.
ER Dr: Why?
Me: According to my bill I live here now.
Meanwhile, during my children’s baptism into the Catholic church …
Priest: Do you renounce Satan and all his works?
My 5yo son: *scrunching up his face* Sometimes.
“Not my circus, not my monkeys” is done. Let’s switch it to “not my pigs, not my blanket.”
Is it lovers quarrel or lover squirrel?
either way, couples therapy is going great
*files a restraining order against reality*
If the office coffee pot doesn’t have to work until it’s banged on the counter neither do I
I don’t sign anything if they don’t give me time to pretend to read it first.
Betty White improvising on the spot while Bea Arthur and Rue McClanahan crack up laughing is the only thing you need to watch today.
Once I was a passenger in a car when a deer ran across the road. I screamed, so the driver looked at ME instead of the ROAD. I’ve trained myself to always scream “DEER!” instead of just screaming. *sighing* So. Anyway, sorry I screamed “DEER!” when you startled me in the hallway.
Are you having a nice Tuesday or did your daughter remember this morning that she volunteered to bring 150 baby carrots to school today?
The good news is, it turns out there is literally nothing we can say here that will ruin our chances at a political career.
Target employee: Describe your lost item
Me: It’s a $400 rose gold Tory Burch wallet with 87 cents and 12 maxed out credit cards inside