Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hate when people call and say they’re 10 minutes away for a “drop-by surprise visit” and I have to set fire to my house.

Lied on my résumé and got the hospital job. Hope performing surgery doesn’t come up.

Sweet dreams are made of cheese. Who am I to diss a brie. I cheddar the world and the feta cheese.

undercover boss: im gonna learn what it means to work the day to day jobs and stay undercover for the next few weeks
[first hour]
worker: hey man someone shit all over the bathroom u got it
undercover boss: wow u figured it out its me, The Undercover Boss

MOM: putting him in sports was a bad idea
DAD: yup
ME (in right field wearing my cup on my face): hey coach look at me I’m Bane lol

New Zealand prime minister Jacinda Ardern confirms Easter Bunny is classed as an “essential worker” but it might be “difficult for the bunny to get everywhere” in current circumstances.

Tooth fairy also confirmed as an essential worker.

https://video.twimg.com/ext_tw_video/1247035631517102081/pu/vid/858x482/5x-g_FfHLzW0pcK0.mp4?tag=10

[presents children to cashier]
I’d like to return these faulty condoms lol

Knees weak arms are heavy he has osteoporosis already, he’s only twenty.

In my 20’s: why is eating healthy such a big deal anyways.

In my 40’s: oh.

kids are fun because the only time they stop eating is when you put effort into making meals for them

I just saw The Big Sick and now I’m negotiating with my doctor to place me in a medically induced coma and then speed dial my true love.

Where does the phrase “spinning in their grave” even come from? And like no offence but why is it my business what they’re doing down there, they can rotisserie all they want

how…. how do u get sold out… of having no mayo????

They say the more people you see joggin in a neighborhood the more expensive property taxes will be…That’s why I never jog bc I’m just a really really good neighbor

A Haiku For My Salad:

I do not like you
You will never be grilled cheese
You make my mouth sad

Me: you want to end the date night with some bubbly?
Wife: sure
*I pour vinegar and baking soda into the volcano*
Wife: this is so romantic

Stop correcting my vodkabulary

The perfect introvert’s party cake doesn’t exis…

[hanging Vanilla Ice from a balcony by his ankles]

Vanilla Ice: “dont drop me! ill give you anything! ill sign my royalties over to-”

me: “royalties? i just want more raps about ninja turtles”

“Nice one.”
– me to my son, who is just learning to write numbers

[construction site]

NEW GUY: can i use your hammer
OLD TIMER: no it’s mine

FOREMAN: guys remember we’re building a mcdonalds

NEW GUY: can i use your mc hammer
OLD TIMER: u can’t touch this

Stop burning bridges. They’re not even good kindling. Just use sticks.

Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.

[Christmas morning]

Kids: [all screaming while opening presents]

My welcome mat says, “Oh shit! Not you again!”

Got fired by the DMV for giving Stuart Little his driver’s license

Vacation Bible School is a phrase that gets less exciting for kids as each word is introduced

ME: should we give it a dry rub

CORONER: get out

stop telling me to move somewhere warmer. you can’t just pack up and leave like some kind of goddamn hippie i’m working on it.

I’m at the “buy bigger jeans” part of my Eat. Pray. Love. journey.

Cop: ma’am i pulled you over because you were tailgating me

Me: okay first of all, if you didn’t want me tailgating you maybe you shouldn’t have a dog in the car