Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Panda walks into shop, “A packet of nuts please.”
Assistant: “pandas don’t eat nuts.”
-“dammit” panda suit opens and 36 squirrels run off.

“If you’re having girl? Problems. I feel bad. For you? Son.” -Russian guy telling his pregnant wife he hopes it’s a boy.

instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club

[Obamacare Meeting]
*Biden raises hand*
*Obama sighs* Yes Joe?
Will the doctor still have lollipops?
Sure.
*Entire Congress sighs w/ relief*

Friend: I wish this candy bar had less calories.

Me: Let me see it…

*eats half and hands it back*

…wish granted.

To ensure that my wife will truly miss me when I go on trips, right before I leave I put a few spiders in the bedroom.

“Wanna hear a joke?”
“Alright then.”
“What’s the difference between a toilet and a fridge?”
“I don’t know,”
“You’re disgusting.”

love it when you say or do some common sense thing and the other person has “file not found” written all over their face

“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda

It sucks being my parents ugliest kid and also an only child

shit just got real

Me: *leads my girlfriend to the lawn where I get down on one knee*

Her: OMG

Me: *feeling the grass* You’re cutting this way too short

Until I had kids I didn’t realize that “bouncing off the walls” was actually a literal statement.

[in the bedroom]

Husband: Close your eyes. I’m going to do something you’re really going to enjoy.

Me: Okay.

H: *takes the kids and leaves for the day*

*bomb timer counting down from 2 minutes*

Me: [quickly youtubes how to disarm a bomb]

*3 minute unskippable ad plays*

This one, by a wide margin

Her: My dad’s sister does my taxes

Me: So she’s your accountAunt? Lol, hey, where are you going?

I bet your first day as a bullfighter they start you off by fighting a really rare steak.

“i was born in the wrong generation” bro we can literally fry shit with the air. what else do u want

Establish dominance by sitting close to the buffet and growling every time someone walks up to get food.

Putting some of my hairs on the cat, just to even things out.

THERAPIST: you’re always trying to make other people happy. You should focus on doing that for yourself too.

ME:

THERAPIST: ok?

Me: would that make you happy?

In a parallel universe, a zebra is walking around her contemporary decorated house, on top of a skinned blonde chick with big hoops rug.

Returning my uneaten fries to McDonald’s for store credit

We cracked the code to potty training our daughter. Spider man underwear. It took her picking out her own Spider-Man underwear to completely potty train herself. She won’t have an accident because she “can’t go potty on Spider-Man”. I can’t believe that’s all it took lol

Me: *walking around, middle finger raised*

Boss: that is NOT a costume..

If you ever ask me what my favorite of something is, it is guaranteed that I will forget everything I’ve ever loved, mumble some nonsense and run away.

Some of you Game of Thrones nerds clearly never watched Dexter drive a boat into a hurricane with his dead sister on board after leaving his young son in the care of a known serial killer so he could go become a lumberjack… and it shows.

Person: “Are you in a wheelchair in your dreams?”

Me [from my wheelchair]: “Are you stupid in yours?”

I still use my laptop to tweet. Also, I ride my horse through the shire to get to the blacksmith.