Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nostalgia isn’t as good as it used to be.

I get why she built the pillow wall in our bed…but the barbed wire seemed a bit extreme.

Alligators sewing little pictures of rich white people on their shirts.

Her: I always knew I was going to be a mummy. I feel like I’ve been preparing for this my whole life. Is that the same for you?

Me: Well, I gained the baby weight preemptively if that counts?

I just feel like you shouldn’t be using a selfie stick unless you’re a T-Rex.

SONOFA

Starting a small business is too hard. I’m just going to start a big business then wait for some of it to fail

Toilet paper has a lot of other uses!
Your baby? Boom. It’s a mummy.
Your dog? Boom. Mummydog.
This lamp? Boom. Your living room is on fire.

*dancing with the stars*

*all of a sudden there’s a fault in our stars*

me(to stars): what the hell guys? we practiced this!

*star wars*

accidentally said “you too” when the waiter told me to enjoy my meal so he sat down with me and we had a very pleasant evening

Heckling someone at their third wedding automatically removes you from their fourth wedding invitee list

The more you know

I wish the dude that jogs around my neighborhood all day would wear a Super Mario costume. And occasionally duck into sewers.

I’m going as Alexa for Halloween this year and answering every question with, “Sorry, I’m having trouble understanding you right now.”

Remember before Twitter you would have to pickup the phone and call someone to tell them how much you love bacon ?

afraid of taking two toddlers on an outing alone? take the single seat stroller thereby assuring the kids will fight relentlessly over it and forget about running off. follow me for more dashing parenting tips

You can’t always get what you want, but if you cry loud enough you’ll at least have the satisfaction of making everyone really uncomfortable

Fails drug test.

Adds “Positive” Person to résumé.

My dad was very upset when our bunnies escaped. It’s his worst fear – hare loss

Me: GD potholes
My kids: WEEEEEEEEE

Waffles make excellent pill organizers

I am always amazed when people grossly exaggerate my lifestyle as a lesbian. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a topless cupcake fight to attend.

People who blame autocorrect for their mistakes are just finger painting

“you’re your mother” — full name of cellist yo yo ma

In high school I did a book report presentation on a book about Vanna White. I made a poster board with a puzzle underneath sheets of paper and had the class call out letters until they solved it. The puzzle was, “This presentation gets a A.” So, no, I wasn’t one of the cool kids

If by “crunches” you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.

I’m pretty sure there isn’t a single Australian animal that wouldn’t look good in a top hat.

For Sale:

baby shoes, never worn.

too small.

should have bought adult shoes.

The power steering went out in my car. Rather than fix it I’ve decided to get stronger.

Not even remotely sorry.

Him: Wanna see my prison tats?

Her: Ooh ok I like bad boys

Him: This one *lifts shirt* is of Alcatraz. It was built in 1934 and closed in