Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

baby cows are called calves bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no more questions

A kid in the park informed me smoking was bad for you.

So I popped his balloon with my cigarette & told him so was talking to strangers.

Not to victim blame but if cat no want be held like baby then why baby sized

Clearly I have no shame but thanks for asking. You must be new here.

independence day 2 has been out in the US for mere hours and it has already been upstaged by a somehow even worse independence day overseas

The Five Stages of Dinner:

1-optimism
2-denial
3-bargaining
4-chicken nuggets
5-dessert

My belly don’t jiggle jiggle, it folds.

too many types of pasta. I can say my fav is flincharoni and not one of you can be sure if it’s real. look at you googling it.

*bomb timer counting down from 2 minutes*

Me: [quickly youtubes how to disarm a bomb]

*3 minute unskippable ad plays*

I trapped a ghost in my cooler to keep my beer cold.

At times like this, I ask myself “what would Jesus do?” and then I hide in a cave for three days

Hell is where Sarah Palin is president, Taylor Swift is in love with me, and Kim Kardashian names all the children

While Twitter was down yesterday, I managed to finish my book report on War and Peace…. of course it was due in 1978, but that’s not really relevant here.

This is Cassie. She was chasing waves when they started chasing her back. Had to throw it in reverse real quick. 13/10

“Lunchables” is a good name because it doesn’t make any grandiose claims: “This is able to be eaten as lunch.”

cute girl: can i have ur number?

me: [sweating nervously] then what number am i gonna use

[playing the game of life]

instructions: the player with the most money wins

me: *eyes wide* this game is so realistic

[thanksgiving dinner]
mom: no politics tonight
everyone: absolutely
me: this casserole reminds me of the bolshevik revolution

9: Where’s mom?

Me: Out the back

9: Australia?

M: Out THE back, not the Outback!

9: What’s she doing?

M: Playing with her didgeridoo, I think

Gravy boats are the opposite of boats

Happy #NationalCrocDay to all the lovers and haters.

Lost my chapstick today, but a few hours later I found one on the floor of a men’s room at an interstate rest-area. Looks like my luck is finally turning around.

911: Ma’am the emails are coming from your garden! Get out of the yard now!! A botanist is on the way!

Spinach: *laughs maniacally*

God, I hate Apple. I updated my iPhone software and now I’m missing a bunch of photos, 30 bucks from my dresser and my favorite pants.

ON TWITTER FOR TEN MINUTES: aw sweet, there’s so many smart funny people here

ON TWITTER FOR AN HOUR: my life is now dedicated to vengeance on PatriotMike24396857

Next episode of Why are Customers So Annoying

Dear Impatient Customer,
If you call someone and get their voicemail, calling me to transfer you will not make them answer when I’m transferring you to the same number you just called 5 seconds ago.

[town square in a thunderstorm]

Galileo: Thunderbolt and lightning very very frightening me.

His mom: Gallileo! Galileo!
Galileo Figaro!! *hands him an umbrella

Galileo: magnifico!! *gets big hug from mom*

Galileo: mama mia, mama mia let me go *looking around embarrassed*

I’ve watched this over 100 times and I still can’t figure out how he did this

I saw a clown doing sit-ups. Funny how things work out.

When nothing is going as planned, but you’re used to it.