Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: so what do you do for a living

HER: I work for a moving company

ME: where is it today?

Sleep is basically free drugs, so people who think you need less sleep are narcs

She believed she could so she did and now I have a meeting with her teacher and the principal.

I love watching my 3yo and 2yo fight because they throw kicks and nobody makes contact and they say shit like, “you’re boring!” and “I have socks!” as insults and it’s amazing.

Me: can you call me an Uber? It’s too far to walk and it’s getting dark

My spouse: … it’s our mailbox. At the end of our driveway.

me: head, shoulders, knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose

CDC: no

Sure, there are plenty of fish in the sea, but they won’t have sex with you either.

Me: *finger painting with the lights off* so what do you think?

Witch Girlfriend: not what I meant when I said I’m into the dark arts.

All my friends are mad at Neil Tyson for saying that The Chipmunks probably couldn’t happen in reality because their lungs would explode from singing notes written for the human diaphragm.

I’m pretty confident I can perform this Appendectomy on myself.

Thanks YouTube

*trains 1 million soldier ants*

*gets carried to work*

Mommy’s little speed bumps 😬

INSTRUCTIONS FOR FITTED SHEETS:

1) Know when to hold em.

2) Know when to fold em.

3) Know when to walk away.

4) Know when to run.

“My clothes don’t fit” should be a valid excuse not to go to work.

I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.

How are the neighbors supposed to free load off your WiFi if the signal barely makes it to the living room.

[Plastic surgeon’s office]

Duck: this is bullshit! *flies out window*

Secretary: what the hell was that?

Plastic Surgeon: He was upset about his bill

Remember, smoking doesn’t kill people. People who are trying to quit smoking kill people.

Michelangelo: Why are you naked?

Me: How else are you going to sculpt me like you did David?

Michelangelo: Dude, I’m a ninja turtle!

Be nice to people today, we’re all just trying to get through Monday for the seventh time this month.

“I don’t want to make a spectacle…”

Eye glass manufacturers last day on the job.

My Pops told me that you can’t go around trying to save everyone. They have to save themselves. He was a terrible lifeguard.

Auto correct changed “mingle” to “mangle,” and now I’ve been uninvited to a Superbowl party.

Gonna teach a bunch of old white guys the word “bae” so teens stop thinking it’s cool and it goes away forever.

[beach]
[a foot washes up]
[next, a boot]
[I combine them]
[more parts arrive]
[I keep building]
[I stand back]
ME: Oh no..you?!
HITLER: Yep

Netflix: Are you still watching?

Blockbuster: 😭 yes

Do you realize that if real women had the same proportions as Barbie they’d be only 11.5 inches tall?

I’ve always admired a man in a uniform who is soft, sweet and tender. I guess my perfect match is the Stay Puft Marshmellow man.

Boy, are you a salad?
Because I don’t want you.