Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

it’s time for sharks to evolve again. it’s been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something

My daughter’s principal made a surprise visit to every 5th grader’s house to hand out “class of 2020” bags, t-shirts, and beach towels.

Let me tell you, you haven’t lived until you’ve stood in your doorway braless in pajamas chatting with your kid’s principal.

Son #1: Who’s your favorite kid?

Me: It doesn’t matter.

Son #2: Yeah, but who’s your favorite?

Me: Your Mom is my favorite, and I’d bury you both alive on her say-so. Remember that.

If you’re afraid of getting fat, drink a little before eating. The alcohol should reduce the fear.

Check out some of these wacky signs you guys sent in! 👎⚠️ #FallonTonight

“Stop texting me. If I wanted to go on the second date, I wouldn’t have stolen all your jewelry.”

PREACHER: any prayer requests?

3 DUCKS IN A TRENCHCOAT (from the last pew): do the one about our daily bread

i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial distribct & all i coud think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”

N – necessary
A – adult
P – procedure

me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food the kids dropped*
ant: oh wait

I tell my toddler to “ask nicely” and instead of saying please he whispers his demands and I’m not even sure that he’s wrong

My 8yo ran inside and scooped up a huge handful of halloween candy to sell to the neighbor kids, and when I told him to just give them out, responded with: they can have the first one free, then they have to pay

Trick your partner into thinking you’ve been to Costco by coming home with a canoe & a years supply of dishwasher tablets.

That soy sauce packet is just living rent free in your drawers

I’ve had my air fryer running for 197 continuous hours and I’ve got zero fried air to show for it.

Waking up the guy next to me on the plane to tell him to tell the stewardess not to wake me when they come around with snacks

We can put a robot on Mars but we can’t make a hand rail that goes the same speed as an escalator.

Accidentally took an adderall instead of an anti-depressant now I’m SUPER focused on my depression.

It’s Saturday night and I just saw a guy with a ponytail and tinted lenses. Somewhere, a tarantula is home alone

I simply point out, might not a warm piece of buttery toast have the same restorative effect as the cigarette to the smoker? And yet when I ask for a Toast Break I am laughed at . . .

My wife said she wants to rescue a cat so I threw it in the pool.

This forever.

using AI to expand this shot in Fast & Furious 6 and achieve the filmmakers true vision 😌🙏

Don’t worry, men. Women can’t tell women to calm down either.

Me: I need sex, and I need it now…

Her: I understand. You want to be alone.

Time magazine should have a Worst Person of the Year

It’s very rude to not refer to the manager at Burger King as “Your Majesty”.

I tried flirting with my hairdresser today.

I said, “Do you comb hair often?”

*ring ring* Hello?
“If u want to see ur son again give me $500,000”
OH GOD PLEASE DONT HURT HIM
“I won’t if u-”
Haha gotcha, leave a message

I have never related to a cat more