Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[closes book, slowly removes glasses, and thoughtfully cleans them with a small cloth] I honestly don’t think Waldo is in there

Playing chicken with the confidence that you cannot lose 😁

Losing 😲

my ex: i want u back
me: the groupchat said no

Never mind a Roomba, I need a robot garbage can that will follow my kids around the house all day.

Doctor: Congrats! It’s a boy. What are you gonna name him?

Me: *throwing up*

Doctor: Ralph it is then.

When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.

I’m not necessarily saying it’s been a while since I sorted out my spice cupboard, but I have just found some star anise that’s technically eligible to vote.

[Checking into hotel]

WIFE: Please tell me you didn’t use your stupid alter ego name when book-

ME: Reservation for Troy Awesomesauce please

14 y.o.: OMG MOM!!!! Are you okay?!?! Do you need some water? Are you having a heart attack? Why does your face look like that?
⠀
Me: I’m not having a heart attack, I just ran for five minutes.

Torturer: just tell me what I need know

Me: NEVER

Torturer: *bites ice cream using his front teeth*

Me: OKAY I’ll talk

I just saw a woman on here that had looking for a faithful man in her bio. Looks like you’ve come to the right place

I don’t need therapy. I just barked at a pedestrian crossing the street. I’m the happiest I’ve ever been in my life

In the same week I found my glasses and my car keys in the refrigerator. It’s a goddam wonder the government lets me live alone.

ME: How much for the dehydrated otter?

PET STORE OWNER: That’s a weasel

one day you’re going to see a post that says “you know you’re old if you know what this is” and it’s going to be a wordle score

Amazon problems:

1920: pirahna
1990: losing rainforest
2017: wrong size

As long as the stupid phrase “interracial relationship” exists, I’m going to refer to same race ones as a “color-coordinated relationship.”

feeling cute. might rob a bank later.

Ok, I’ll admit it, my choice of words is sometimes influenced by which ones I think I can spell correctly.

“Wow, it smells like *sniff* wait what the?”

*Rips blind fold off and sees house burning down*

“Omg!”

Narrator: The power of Febreeze

9/10 students agree that someone got lost on the field trip

if u put a disguise on a cow then legally the cow is incowgnito

It’s funny when a cartoon character drops a piano on someone’s head but when I do it it’s a “crime”??

‘why do people post shit online that never happened just for likes and attention’ my cat asked me

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”

[Cop flashes headlights behind me]

WIFE: I think he wants you to stop

ME: No I think he wants a street race

[A few minutes later]

ME: *taking a corner at 90mph* Guess I was right again, huh Linda

I bet my doctor wasn’t expecting to say “Sir, that is not a toy” so many times today.

I’m the CEO of Boeing and I’ve been screwing up the planes on purpose. People were never meant to fly and I got tired of waiting for the gods to punish humanity for its hubris.

Friend’s 3 yr old: DO YOU THINK I’M A DOLLAR BILL?!

Me:

Friend, *embarrassed*: He means “adorable”

It started with a star and ended with a restraining order.