Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Twitter is like a dorm, someone is always up at every hour, someone is crying and someone is drunk.

Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.

Life Hack: If you carry around a 14 inch kitchen knife, almost everything is free.

Just passed a guy on the street and said “what’s up?” and he replied “how’s it going?” and then we moved on, feeling cordial but in retrospect leaving both questions unanswered

“heyyyy you’re on speaker” is code for “please don’t say anything bad about the people i’m with”

“I got you this for Valentine’s Day.”
[she opens the box and reveals several People magazines inside]
“I think we should see other people.”

When my boss asks me if I can “take a stab at this”, I always hope she’ll point to that coworker we all hate.

Me: [touching grass]

Grass: ok first of all, no.

I forgot the term “kidney stones” so I called them pee pebbles.

😂😂

*turns up to a yoga class in full Master Yoda costume*

“Oh dear. Misread the flyer, I have.”

If anyone’s looking for a new podcast recommendation, check out the one I listened to over the weekend. Can’t remember what it was called but it offered a fascinating insight into its chosen topic. Well worth a listen if you get a chance 👍

[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]

Aladdin: 🎶I can show you the world-

me: I’m cold this is boring

Do you think people who play for the philharmonic say “today I woke up and chose violins” because if they don’t they totally should

any two men could tell me they were in daft punk and i would believe them

Me: Why’d my bill go up?
AT&T: u got rid of ur land-line
M: But it should cost less if I have fewer services.
AT&T: And we threw in a donkey
M: I don’t want a donkey.
AT&T: Donkey removal is an extra $50

Me, at a romantic movie: pffft like that would ever happen

Me, at any other genre movie: YES I ABSOLUTELY ACCEPT THIS OUTLANDISH SCENARIO

“Great choice. California is known for its chickens.”

– me, trying to impress a date who ordered the California Chicken Salad

Seeing Keira Knightley outside of a period piece is like running into a teacher outside of school.

Emoji: because sometimes a chicken, the Spanish flag, and a lesbian couple is the only way to express how you really feel.

Dear Religion,

Pics or it didn’t happen.

Love, Science

I could never trust Jon Bon Jovi after he sang “ohhhh we’re halfway there” on track 3 of a 10 track album.

when i worked in an office i had an ’emergency google sheet’ that i kept open in a tab all day and if my boss walked by i’d switch to it from twitter and enter 69s and 420s in its cells with a look of great seriousness on my face

Why?

How I answer every text when my friends with little kids ask me what I’m doing tonight

Related – I never babysit

Her: I love you so much
Me: Hey, *puts my hand on her shoulder* we all make mistakes sometimes.

me: any idea how my house burned down?

detective: fireworks

me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does

Drafting a lengthy preamble to a meeting I’m running helps to set the tone, provide context, and guarantee that I’m never asked to run a meeting again

stop whining about losing your ‘hot years’ to covid. some of us lost our hot years to not being hot

Don’t be alarmed,
you’re not a clock.