Just seen a wild goose, think I’ll chase it. Surely this will be a fruitful endeavor
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People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
Kids: “Mom watch this. Watch this. Mom. Mama. Mama watch this. You’re not looking. Mom look. Look at me. You’re not looking.”
Me: merging onto the highway
ME: I have an announcement… I’M GOING TO BE A FATHER!
FRIEND: Congratulations! When is the due date?
ME: In a few years, as soon as I graduate from priest school.
Parenting is all about multitasking. Like trying to brush your teeth while you’re rock climbing.
If I die before I wake, I pray the lord has ice cream cake.
[first day in a new house]
Me: [walking around naked] nothing like the freedom of your own home
Ghost who intended to haunt me: goddamnit
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
My husband and I take turns unloading the dishwasher, but I usually rerun it or pretend it’s his turn. He does the same, so basically, the dishwasher hasn’t been unloaded in three years.
Used my dog’s shampoo and now my leg kicks while I’m brushing my hair
As a kid playing parent, I never accounted for the 8 hours a week I’d lose taking underwear out of inside out pants while doing laundry.
Burn microwave popcorn in the lunch room to establish dominance.
At the pub, it’s my job to inform people of the roots of words. I’m the designated deriver.
i got you a candy necklace for a present but then something happened so i got you this string instead
Teacher: Ok, which of you stole the thesaurus?
Student: Not me
Student: Not me
Student: Nay myself
Student: Not me
WebMD: you have all the diseases
Dark WebMD: and here’s how to spread them
Dear Kids,
“16 & Pregnant” is a TV show, not a Challenge…
Please. Stop. Tweeting. Stop. Like. Stop.This.Stop. It. Stop. Looks.stop.Like.stop A stop.Telegram.stop so. Stop. Please. Stop!
Men in suits look really weird standing on the grass. Go back to the concrete buddy
A pizza bagel is two foods that were just fine on their own but got sat on in a lunch bag.
big fan of the comma, just great. like look, i just made you pause the sentence as you read it. oh look, i just did it again.
God: Hmm now where did I leave that fish? It couldn’t possibly have grown legs and walked away
Darwin: lol ur not gonna believe this
My daughter just informed me that 75% of you follow me because of how I look.
I’m not sure if I’m flattered or insulted.
When we’re leaving a hotel room we check drawers we didn’t even use at least five times.
Started a hate list & so far I just have myself & the ladle from Jurassic park
‘Please, I need this’, I whisper as I try to steal a baby goat from the petting zoo.
Please help me find my lost pet sloth. It was just right here and, oh, never mind, it’s still right here.
EMT: [opens my shirt revealing bread covering my nipples] You faked cardiac arrest for this?
Me: Just say clear and make my grilled cheese.
You have to listen to the babysitter, I say to my kids as if they listen to me
That’s not how days work.
