Just seen a wild goose, think I’ll chase it. Surely this will be a fruitful endeavor
You Might Also Like
I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, “How could you do this to me?” at least 2 times per day.
I’m not helping to save the environment until bears let me ride them around like cars. It’s a group effort, bears.
a firefly accidentally calling one of the stars in the night sky “mom” lol like how embarassing
me: you’re brothers?
mario: that’s-a right!
me: which explains why you dress the same
luigi: that’s-a right!
me: [pointing to wario & waluigi] ok wait but then who are they?
mario: [whispering, fear in his voice] honestly dude we have no idea what their deal is
When I find someone else’s grocery list in a shopping cart I use it….see where it takes me.
*after sex
No, you cannot sleep over.
Husband:
[noticing the food the other guests brought to the party are halloween themed] this spinach artichoke dip is haunted
“Shark infested waters”….you mean their home?
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: Pull up a chair this is going to be awhile
Told a woman who was shopping with a newborn that I had teenagers. I was waiting for her to say I looked too young to have teenagers.
She didn’t.
I went to get fingerprinted for my new job, and in hindsight I probably shouldn’t have been so enthusiastic when the tech asked “Have you ever been fingerprinted before?” And my reply was “Oh yeah, for SURE.”
what if mayonnaise was like peanut butter and either creamy or crunchy
Calm down ‘Fitbit’ joggers. I can drink one 5-Hour Energy and reach my target heart rate without even getting off my couch
I’m a great babysitter. If you’re interested, I can offer an above 95% survival rate.
Motherhood is full of surprises but the biggest surprise is when I take my bra off at night and random things I hid from my kids come tumbling out.
piñata: harder daddy
me: [lifts blindfold] what
piñata: let me wear the blindfold
ME: I could use an espresso to sober up a bit, do you want anything from this Starbucks?
DRIVING TEST INSTRUCTOR: no
My brain acts like Windows 10. It wants to update and I just want to shut down.
How many zombies would Rob Zombie rob if Rob Zombie could rob zombies?
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
MOM: are you seriously planting cameras around the house just so you can do that Jim Halpert thing when ur annoyed?
ME: [looks at camera]
I just put on jeans right out of the dryer and my Fitbit exploded.
I feel like people are in such a hurry these days, that there isn’t enough moseying happening anymore. Dont even get me started on sauntering and lollygagging.
Who called them ghosts instead of post-existing conditions?
Anything is ‘bite size’ if your mouth is big enough.
[The shark attack sketch]
Him: I’m terrified of being attacked by a shark.
Her: You’re so dumb. The chances of that happening are less than one in three million. Lol.[fin]
[Confessional Booth]
Catholic: I’ve done a terrible thing, will I still make it into Heaven?
Me, as a priest: *shakes Magic 8 Ball* My sources say no.
“Sandwich artist” is a bit pretentious sir when you’re actually a subcontractor.
“I heard the Delta and Omicron variants have reportedly fused together producing Deltacron!”
“Ugh, even COVID variants are having sex and I am not.”
This made me laugh more than it should’ve 😭
