Just seen a wild goose, think I’ll chase it. Surely this will be a fruitful endeavor
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SEXY POTATO: Hey buddy, my eyes are up here, and over here, and down here, and around here and
I’ve left my past behind me so if I owe you money sorry I’ve left it behind me
Reddit really can be a magical place sometimes
Also, kids? Don’t DM us pretending you are some school official cancelling school. Closings don’t work like that. & we’re not that dumb.
my daughter just announced to me her favorite subject is math & I’m totally aghast.
girl, there are not FIVE degrees in English literature between your parents for you to like math. please.
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, but only one Superman.
So, in answer to your question… It’s probably a bird.
“Lady In Red” is my favorite song about a guy that’s trying to get laid even though he can’t remember her goddamn name.
Me: That Febreze smells like Fireball.
Wife: Yeah, non-alcoholics call that cinnamon.
If ghosts are real, then why aren’t any of them pantsing people
Me: Who made this mess?
8-year-old: Not me.
6-year-old: Not me.
4-year-old: Not me.
3-year-old: A horse. I saw it.
I have a suspect.
ME: wash the peanut butter off this knife
DISHWASHER: imma forge that peanut butter into an unbreakable rock on that knife
ME: please no
I wish I could get bitten by a radioactive confident person.
‘Shake It Off’ is probably my favorite urinal sing-along song.
knowledge is knowing the difference between ‘poisonous’ and ‘venomous’
wisdom is not arguing with your partner about it when they’ve been bitten by a snake
I am just a girl, standing in front of the laundry, hoping it will wash itself.
me: why do you involve your friends in all our fights
her: “that’s not true”
text from Beth: that’s not true
So a coffee break is when you stop drinking coffee for a minute, right?
Let’s all smash our hands together repeatedly to indicate that we enjoyed that thing.
At the park.
4yo niece: Can we play with the bodies again?
Me:
Me:
Me: Barbies! She means Barbies!
[starts to leave the theater when the title appears on-screen]
date: no, Get Out is the name of the movie
Him: idk, i just.. i feel like you’re trying to boil me into soup
me, throwing carrots and potatoes into a giant cauldron: babe, you sound crazy right now
If you have a choice between ugly or fat, remember this.
You can turn the lights out on ugly, but you can always feel the fat in the dark.
I’m boycotting 50 Shades of Grey because it perpetuates the stereotype that men can change.
My husband said when I wear my hair on top of my head, I look like a pineapple or a genie. I told him to pick one fast so I can decide where he sleeps tonight.
What’s your favorite song?-Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.
If you want to set up a company and run it that’s your business.
My new phone is being delivered by Amazon which means that I can track its movements for a day before it tracks mine for five years.
[ first day in retail]
me: can i help you find something
customer: im just window shopping
me: we don’t sell those
When a police officer seductively leans into your car window, he’s not going in for a kiss. Now I know.