MEN:
Developed Theory of Relatively.
Walked on the Moon.
Painted the Mona Lisa.Baffled by bra hooks.
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Cats will have a King sized bed all to themselves and still lie on the one spot where you left your sweatshirt.
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: oh wow that was really fast
Detective: Thefts of geese from the local park have continued. Who wants to look at the report?
Me: I’ll take a gander
Detective: *eyes me suspiciously*
Oh I must be looking sexy this morning…the donut shop glazed the hell outta those donuts
Chef 1: You can’t serve cake for breakfast, moms won’t allow it.
Chef 2: What if we fry it in a pan & pour syrup all over it?
1: GENIUS!
BRITISH PERSON: cheerio
AMERICAN: cheerio cream filled deep fried flamin hot donut burger
Me: What did you do today while I was at work?
Dog: Me? Nothing. Just slept.
Me: I think you’re lying.
Dog: *visibly sweating* why do you say that?
May just keep repeating the phrase “YOU DO YOU” to my coworkers until one of them sucker punches me.
It’s actually rude to shoot anyone, messenger or not.
I only have sex with the lights off to prevent having to explain some of my tattoos.
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
— Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
Me: I just heard a noise
WebMD: Cancer
Accidentally triple-knotted my laces so I guess I’m wearing these shoes for the rest of my life.
Content is king. But timing is everything. Then again… location, location, location. You should probably just do everything perfectly.
Some people age like wine, others age like milk.
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
1st marriage: Love, naivety.
2nd marriage: Health insurance.
[Day after Xmas]
7am: I am detoxing today, only fruit and liquids for me
9am: There are worse things than eating 14 cookies for breakfast
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%
What idiot called it the “number of Police Officers in the Precinct” and not the “Copulation”
5yo: dad how many teeth do I have to lose to buy a tv?
Me: *doing zero math* uh like a thousand
5yo: do I have a thousand teeth?
Me: haha not quite
5yo: *just glares at his little brother*
I shouldn’t have to go to work if it’s rainy. i should get to stare out the window all day like a cat.
Dyslexic Superbowl watchers were probably disappointed when they saw football instead of a superb owl.
Me: You know, one nice thing about being snowed in all weekend is we haven’t had to spend any money.
Wife: (clicking add to cart) So nice.
I’d totally bang him, but how awkward would the job interview be after that?
WIFE: You forgot my birthday again didn’t you?
ME: [putting wrapping paper round the cat] Goddammit, I told you not to turn round yet Janet
Doctor said I need to eat more salad.
when i was in school i was doing my french speaking exam and i started crying cause i literally couldn’t do it and my french teacher said ‘it’s okay you’re not the worst, the girl before you answered the questions in english with a french accent’ and i could not breathe omg
I’ll complain about the government invading my privacy after I tell you where I am on Facebook and posting what I’m eating on Instagram.
I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.