Just seen my doctor about the fake pain in my leg. He’s diagnosed me with pretendonitis.
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Don’t date a Canadian woman unless you’re willing to plow her…..
Driveway when it snows
Me: Have a taste of your own medicine
*I force the pills the Dr. prescribed for me down his throat*
Me: WHO HAS ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION NOW?!
I bet most people who wear Adidas shirts have never even really listened to their music.
mechanic: it looks like something was repeatedly shoved in and out of the tailpipe?
optimus prime: haha, I wouldn’t—I don’t know anything about that
Me: please just one more wish
Genie: no, I said 3
Me: please
Genie: no
Me: [holding my new Leonardo, Michelangelo, and Donatello action figures] Genie please
I always wonder what the nurses reaction was like after I leave a half eaten sandwich in a coma patients hand.
Me: I miss baseball
Umpire: Strike one!
normalize answering the phone saying, “I’M DOING THE BEST I CAN, CAPTAIN”
“STOP COPYING ME!”
I yell, as my car spins out of control.
age 14: guys, watch this i’m gonna jump off this wall [eats absolute shit and gets up like its nothing]
age 25: [googling ‘is the way i’m wearing my guitar strap hurting my back’]
“What? Only 2% Milk? Then what’s the other 98%!?”
[bull walking confidently out of the factory]
Oh you don’t wanna know
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
I’m not afraid to run into an ex here. Her tweets would be all lame like ‘my dog is cute’ and mine would be all cool like ‘I love you Susan’
He told me to strike while the iron is hot, like I know what an iron is.
The coolest thing about the last Hobbit movie was knowing it was the last Hobbit movie.
My wife was cross when my 2yo broke a Chinese spoon this morning & I said it was “just Wonton destruction” & honestly it did not go down at all well.
This is why I need you lot, x
*in court*
judge [belches]: pardon
me: thank you!
When I was younger I also blamed Jewish people for all my problems and thought they were part of a conspiracy to control and ruin my life. Turns out they were just being good parents.
Lights that commit crimes are sent to prism
Only 4 beers left in house. Time to find new house.
[watching The Silence of the Lambs]
Me: Hear that?
Her: No
Me [trying to impress her, leaning in close]: That’s the lambs
Kid: Hey Mom.
Me: I’m asleep.
Kid: Where is the switch to the garbage disposal?
Me: I’M AWAKE.
Me: Ahh finally, some sleep
My brain: Do saltwater fish get thirsty?
Me: Goddamnit
Just had the good fortune of seeing an ad for a website which is currently offering a 10% discount on some of its products and/or services. Thought I’d mention it in case anyone’s looking for some great bargains 👍.
MOM SHE JUST KICKED ME AREN’T YOU GOING TO DO SOMETHING?
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am her mother
ARE YOU GOING TO SAY THAT FOR EVERY—
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am your mother
taking a hotdog out of the microwave and checking it with a meat thermometer then frowning and putting it back in
Her: My husband is having an affair!
Me: Really? Who’s catering?
Friendly reminder from your Cats: if you’re not brushing them now, you’ll be picking up hairballs later. Ok yes, it’s a threat.
Me: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
H: You do realize I’m your husband, right?
I’m my own worst enemy which is frustrating because I’d always hoped my worst enemy would have an eye patch.