Just seen my doctor about the fake pain in my leg. He’s diagnosed me with pretendonitis.
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Spending a lazy afternoon methodically eating the plastic flowers from the vase in the hotel lobby
Husband: What’s up with the notepad taped to your arm?
Me: It’s so I don’t forget to write down my tweet material.
H:
Me:
H: I think it’s time to take a break…
Me: Ok, I’ll miss you but I support your decision.
H: …from twitter
Most people: I guess balloons are ok
Me:
[Museum]
Guard: Ma’am, please don’t touch the statue.
Me: But I’m almost finished painting her toenails.
So, lemme get this straight…
Scooby-Doo can talk and help solve murders, but can’t go to the store and buy himself Scooby snacks??
[Calling the police]
“Help! Someone with a slice of beef strapped to his elbow is chasing me!”
“Stay calm.”
“Yes, that’s him!”
The early 2000s
My friends: I met a boy in a chat room, he was so cool
Me: *having just roleplayed a sword wielding, scarred half elf in a tavern chat room* yes I also very boys
my cousin went to pride years ago and threw up on someone on a ferris wheel- fast forward 10 years, him and his husband were talking about pride and his husband told him a story about when he was thrown up on at pride- my cousin threw up on his husband 5 years before they met
Houseguests should have a mandatory bedtime.
*dies*
*gets to heaven*
*sees furries everywhere*
Me: What the…
Jeebus: Hell hath no furry, man
*laughs, puts on giraffe costume*
My only chance at a big house in the country is if I become a rescue dog
I ordered a pizza.
I don’t think the guy understood how to get here.
Is it free if it’s 5 years late?
I bring my own pen into the bank because I don’t need any god dammed chains telling me where I can and cannot write
Don’t forget to wash your hands and then go back to using the phone you haven’t cleaned since you got it
Okay, wait a second. I pee, I do my belt, THEN I wash my hands. I don’t know about you but I’ve never, ever washed my belt.
Offered the kids $5 to clean so they could learn about money and then didn’t pay them so they could learn about randomly trusting people.
Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend
Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either
Considering you can be anything you want on the internet,
it’s amazing how many choose to be stupid.
I’m “had to actually call a girl on the home phone to ask her out while hoping my mom didn’t pick up and start dialing” years old.
A wise man once said if you understand why pizza is round, placed in a square box, and eaten as a triangle you will also understand falling victim to reading a long meaningless tweet and then share it in hopes of making someone else a victim of the tweeters cruel game.
Any body can be a summer body if it’s discovered between the months of June and September
[ first day in retail]
me: can i help you find something
customer: im just window shopping
me: we don’t sell those
My kid force-fed me popcorn so I had to act like I hated it, but it was secretly amazing
The charge in my hair clippers died before I finished! I’ve never sympathized more with women in my life.
I like wearing a pullover because the name is also instructions. There’s none of the trial and error that comes with other types of clothing. You just pull it straight over your legs.
*five little monkeys jumping on the bed*
mama: stop that!
monkeys: why hahaha
mama: *quietly* there used to be six of you
When I count my blessings, I count you twice, subtract 4, multiply by 8, and divide by 15 because I don’t know how math or blessings work.
You can save a lot of money if you just steal everything
I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.
I bet i could still be a stuntman
[Breaks a hip getting off the couch]
Okay maybe not