Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Remember kids, don’t light your own fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all damn day do it.

What a relief. Bring on the nukes

Slip ‘n Slide should be a universal mode of transportation. I refuse to budge on this

The best letter to the editor in today’s @TB_Times.

Admin smashed it 😂

When you go to the gynecologist on Halloween they use a spookulum.

No idea how I’ve managed to make it through life dealing with this constant affliction.

My family: Can you stop pointing at us when you say that.

Immediately de-escalating an international conflict by posting an angry looking selfie with the caption “Come on, guys.”

some stupid little amoeba decided to leave the ocean a billion years ago and now i have to worry that tomorrow is monday

I’m currently on a really effective diet called “I only have twenty dollars until payday”.

2020 is not Jumanji, it’s X-files.

Buzz: hey Neil where do cows come from?
Neil: I dunno where
Buzz: the moooon haha
..
..
*single gunshot*
Neil: uh Houston we have a problem

RIDDLER: riddle me this

TODDLER: *does Todd stuff*

7yo: Did you drink coffee before we were born?
Me: Yes
7yo: Did you eat pancakes?
Me: Yes
7yo: What didn’t you do?
Me: Talk while peeing.

batman: I protect the innocent, the helpless, the people with no one left to save them

alfred: right

batman: also need you to make another costume, I adopted an angsty orphan and wanna send him to fight an insane clown

DiCaprio movie endings;
Shutter Island: is he dead?
Titanic: is the boat dead?
Romeo & Juliet: is everyone dead?
Inception: am I dead?

When brands use cool words like “bae” on social media, I drive straight to their nearest location with all my money, ready to buy products.

Adobe update is ready to install *gazes longingly into the distance*, but I don’t think I am.

Teach a man to shake and he will be able to greet everyone. Give a man a shake and all the boys will come to his yard

Therapist: How does that make you feel?

Me: Like I want to stab someone.

Therapist: That’s an action, lets focus on a feeling word.

Me: Like if I don’t get to stab someone I will be sad.

‘Ok i’ll bite’ is both my favourite catchphrase and also why my summer body will be a Homer Simpson body

Crazy to think during a small window of time that Shaq was 5’2”

That moment of panic when they invite you inside at the start of the birthday party you thought was a drop off.

Watching this Dahmer show on Netflix this guy doesn’t seem too bad I mean he’s just oh wait yep ok there it is wow my god Jeffrey

In 8th grade my teacher told me if I didn’t stop talking I wouldn’t remember anything from her class. Well, 20+ years later, and I’m here to tell her she was totally wrong. I remember Craig. The boy who sat next to me and ate his scabs.

Ladies, never trust a dude with a fancy mustache. They’re just a top hat and a cape away from tying you to the train tracks or the conveyor belt of a giant lumber mill saw.

apparently “spite” is not the appropriate answer to “What motivates you?”

me: babe theres a surprise for you under the christmas tree

my cat: *whispering* and also within

*poetry 101 first day*
prof: okay so today just pick a subj-
me: (incredibly loud) i call oranges