Just send him 60 texts explaining how you understand he needs his alone time.
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Spending so much time together is reviving old grievances. my husband has new questions about the time I burned a large hole in his favorite pillow with the iron
Boy, I hate small talk.
*coworkers all grimace*
He’s right behind me isn’t he?
*Small talk starts cracking his knuckles*
They were tryna put dude out the bar last night for dressing like Jeffery dahmer, but come to find out bruh just looked like that
Him: You’re sexy as hell.
Her: I’m an atheist.
Him: You’re sexy as vast abysmal and empty nothingness.
Her: Awwwww, thank you.
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
it was hard being a teenager with the last name لزيق i mean stalk one guy and you’re لزيقة for the next three years
me [sliding my therapist 20$]: so what’s my problem, doctor?
therapist [loudly]: you’re just too good at sex, unbelievably good
hot ikea salesman: ok firstly you can’t do this here, secondly what
Untitled Goose Game (2019)
Me in my 20’s:
I don’t want to leave the house if my Victoria’s Secret bra doesn’t match my thong.Me in my 40’s:
I don’t want to leave the house.
My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.
My testicles are in The Guinness Book of Records. Got a few minutes before the librarian sees me.
Ever wonder why we call it a period and not that time of the paragraph?
i don’t understand all these newfangled apps. like “phone”
how do they know an animal is extinct like??? u looked everywhere????
I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is.
She’s not dead, just very condescending.
[date]
Me: ‘Don’t let her know ur a boxing ring announcer…’
Her: “Shall we order dessert?”
Me: “LET’S GET READY TO EAT APPLE CRUUUUMBLE!”
It took Marcel only a few meals to realize he didn’t like being a French cat.
When I’d go to church as a kid I’d always wonder why there were so many seats reserved for Usher
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im an adult. it’s my STOMACH that hurts. because yet again. I had too many sweets without mothers permission
Bath bomb does not mean cannonball in to the tub. Now she is pissed and I need a new hip.
LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: grandma what big eyes you have
WOLF: u really think I look like ur grandma? I should eat u just for that u dumb shit
*Food hits floor*
Little Germs: “Let’s get it!”
King Germ: “No!!! We must wait 5 seconds……”
BOSS: you’re late
ME: *grabs cup out of his hand* it’s pronounced “latte” but thanks
Watch closely as the husband quietly approaches the calm children, riles them up into a frenzy, then slyly escapes to watch football.
I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.
when you order from DoorDastardly
its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad
wife: Can we get a kids menu?
waitress *brings one*
wife
me
wife
me [already doing the maze]
wife: Can we get 2 kids menus?
Waiter: How do you like your steak, sir?
Sir: Like winning an argument with my wife.
Waiter: Rare it is.
“Open the pod bay doors, Hal.”
“I’m sorry, Dave. I’m afraid I can’t do that.”
“What’s the problem?”
“l think you know what the problem is just as well as l do.”
“Squirrels in the plasma propulsion system?”
“Again.”
“Dammit.”