Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
You Might Also Like
Batman: Life isn’t a video game. Your actions have consequences
*Robin writes ‘I’m sorry I forgot to buy Charmin®’ 100 times on Batpaper*
Me: Sometimes I cannot think of anything to say.
She: And yet you don’t shut up.
After the hipster got his girl pregnant, he wouldn’t shut up about how he was into her before she got big.
I can’t believe my terrible boss* is making me work on this sacred national holiday**
*me
**National Cheesecake Day
Everyone’s allowed one Tolkien pun just don’t make it a hobbit
Been thinking about getting dressed since I got out of the shower 3 hours ago. It’s quite obviously not going to happen but like everyone always says, it’s the thought that counts…
“It looks like you’re in the middle of a workout.”
– My passive-aggressive Apple Watch as I walk across a parking lot to my car
My boyfriend said that I’m more than enough woman for him, and now I’m mad because I think he called me fat.
[Calls number written on my windshield with lipstick]
Hi, you left your number on my car. Who’s going to clean this?
Hackers in movies think they’re so cool they can get any password in five mins flat. Well so can I. Just that it’s for my own accounts.
Wolverine’s mom: If you’re going out take your brother with you
Wolverine: But Mom he’s so weird
Listerine: Nothing weird about fresh breath
I microwave ramen noodles right before I go to bed so that they’re finally cool enough to eat when I wake up in the morning.
Warning: Too much sex leads to a house full of people who don’t like you.
My teen practicing her lawyer skills, “We’re studying Thailand, can we get Thai food to help me understand the culture better?”
No autocorrect, I don’t want to bang a bunch of hot chimps.
*going through mail*
“bills bills bills bills bills”“I think I’ll unsubscribe from Daily Ducks Magazine.”
Marie Curie: (getting huge doses of radiation from her work with highly radioactive materials).
Marie Curie’s Husband: Maybe we should talk about the element in the room.
At the dmv waiting outside for my daughter to fill out paperwork. I’m remembering when I was 16 and my dad backed the car into the spot so I could just pull forward with the test guy. It worked! And 35 years later, I still can’t back out very well.
At this point making life choices involves liquor and a dart board.
*shrugs*
*swipes right*
My sign? I’m a Zebra, no grey areas for me.
Narrator: Ursula was indeed a Libra. She often confused astrology with zoology.
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
My life is just like the Friends theme song if you take out all the references to having friends.
I don’t have a swimmer’s body. I have more of a drowning to death body. #Olympics
I asked my doctor if I need to cancel my birthday party, but she said that’s only for events over 10 people.
Please, keep trying unsuccessfully to suck the snot back up in your nose instead of using a tissue. Everyone loves the noise you’re making.
Batman: I am named this because I fear bats.
Incoming Phone Call Man: Buddy I get it.
wife: YOU changed the sheets?!
[flashback to me eating nachos in bed after she told me not to and getting cheese everywhere]
me: Surprise!
Pre-surgery instructions: Do not wear makeup the day of surgery.
Surgeon: But I want to look pretty.
Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.