@_salt_n_lime: Just sent my husband a text meant for my bf and now he thinks I want to have sex.
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@elonmusk: The rumor that I’m secretly creating a zombie apocalypse to generate demand for flamethrowers is completely false
@Home_Halfway: WIFE: I love you NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: My experiences with you lead to an increase in dopamine and oxytocin as well
@OctopusCavemann: Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over? Me: Because free will is an illusion and both of us followed paths that lead us to this very moment Cop: How much have you had to drink? Me: The precise amount I was predestined to