Just settled a divorce over Parrot custody/visitation. Neither may teach it negative phrases abt the other.
I went to law school for this.
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what’s a not gay way of asking your bro to pose shirtless for a pic that you’ll silkscreen on a body pillow?
If only
No baby, I’m not dumping you. I’m just rebranding myself as your ex.
Waiter: How would you like your Martini, Sir?
007: Shaken…
Andre 3000: Like a Polaroid picture
[taking my final breaths after a freak accident]
Tell my family I totes love them
*gasping for air*
but like, roll your eyes real hard
*walks into a room full of people*
*looks around*
*answers fake phone call*
*leaves*
*training the dog to sit*
Me: So you’re already low to the ground, but you must get lower.
Friend: “Any plans this weekend?”
Me: “I’m going to Alcoholics Unanimous.”
Friend: “I think you mean ‘Anonymous’.”
Me: “Nope.”
Laying a trap for my boyfriend by asking him if he thinks I look too skinny
Adding “scroll for two hours” to my To-Do list, so I won’t do it.
love it when they get my name right
5, leaps down from high furniture onto floor and sees my horrified expression: look Mom, I’m really nervous-ing you up!
*Tucks shirt in*
“Goodnight, shirt.”
Best part about marriage?
NO MORE CONDOMS!!!
Worst part about marriage?
No more sex.
Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’
Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’
Marriage vows in the future will include things like “During pandemics, I promise not to judge how many glasses of wine you drink.”
Even if I’m mad at my wife I should be mature enough not to flush the toilet on purpose while she’s in the shower, but it turns out I’m not.
The first rule of denial club is I can stop anytime I want.
I couldn’t own a dog. The look of disappointment in its eyes when I throw a ball as far as I can and it lands right in front of me.
How I’d get arrested…
My parents were going to name me after the city I was conceived in but neither of them knew how to spell Albuquerque.
The only phrase you need to learn in any foreign language is, “I know you guys are talking shit about me!”
Drops a case of canned beer down the steps before bringing them to your BBQ
The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.
What idiot called it “being a werewolf” and not “having a beast infection?”
I always say “I was wondering when you’d find me” when I get in my car. That way if someone’s ever in the backseat I’ll look cool as shit.
Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work
HR: Yes, that was the problem.
In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.
My sister in law texted the family chain this morning “prime rib” completely out of the blue and not a single person has responded.