Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People will never forget you, if you push them down the stairs.

whoops accidentally said I couldn’t make it before they even said the date

At the dmv waiting outside for my daughter to fill out paperwork. I’m remembering when I was 16 and my dad backed the car into the spot so I could just pull forward with the test guy. It worked! And 35 years later, I still can’t back out very well.

Girlfriend scrolled my search history, has LOTS of questions about the Lindbergh kidnapping. That makes two of us.

[jogging]
brain: let’s talk shall we
me: ok
brain: are we being chased
me: no
brain: are we chasing something
me: no
brain: so wtf are we doing then
heart & lungs: we also have questions

Why do people say half a dozen?

Why can’t they just say Six

I bought a blender to make some healthy smoothies. Long story short I make the best margaritas now.

husband: when is [5]’s birthday

me: same as your mom’s

husband: *blank stare*

someone ate my burrito from the office fridge. i will level this building.

If monogamy is sex with only one person, what is origami?

Person 1: You should do Yoga.

Person 2: Why would I ever do that little green guy from Star Wars? He’s not sexy at all.

Person 3: She means the picnic basket stealing bear, idiot.

My wife tried imitating the weird groaning sound her car is making, and all three auto mechanics asked her out.

BABY BOSS: we need to talk about your work ethic
ME: *covers face with hands*
BABY BOSS: oh guess he’s out for lunch. I’ll talk to him later

A friend of my wife’s who lives in maine put their child in this preschool where the kids help make lunch and then before their naps they get their feet soaked in warm water and wtf do I have to do to get into this preschool?

[stranded on deserted island]
*spells out message in rocks*
WHAT’S
THE
WIFI
PASSWORD

The person who pitched the puss in boots solo movie did so with ‘shrekless abandon.’

cheers erupt as woman cuts into perfectly ripe avocado

The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.

Company loyalty can often be explained by Stockholm syndrome.

20s: I’m on top of the world!

50s: stop the world I want to get off!

The police are taking me downtown for an interview and I didn’t even apply for the job.

Me after a regular weekend: Back to the grind

Me after a 3-day weekend: How now shall I labor when I’ve grown accustomed to my rightful place among the leisure class

The chips I’m eating are labeled “Harvest Cheddar,” a name which is forcing me to reconsider what I thought I knew about cheese production

My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.

I asked my niece if she had a newspaper.

She told me newspapers are old school.

She said everyone uses tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.

That fly never stood a chance.

My mother wanted grandchildren, so I changed the ring on her phone to the ice cream truck song so she can attract one.

I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.

Sorry I hung up on you, I didn’t mean to answer the call.

If Justin Bieber were an insect he would be a Despasquito. im very sorry you had to read this