Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.

AA Counselor: what’s step one?

AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless

Dad Hack: get your teen’s attention instantly by pre-heating the oven.

I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.

pirate: walk the plank

me: ok but i don’t have a leash lol

pirate: *drops sword* dad?

“meet the 25 year old entrepreneur who is making tens of thousands a month” i dont want to do that. i want to hear about all of the people who are doing worse than me. i want to meet the 40 year old with no friends or prospects who is currently engulfed in flames

me
wife
me
wife
me: I didn’t know it was for you
wife [covered in soda because I shook the can up when my kid asked for one]

Walking near the square a woman stopped me to offer a free skin care sample. Then she accurately guessed my age range. Some nerve!

Does racism still exist? Let’s go to this panel of white people to find out.

Irony walks into a bar the same time as a Coincidence. The bartender asks what they want? “Not to be confused with each other.”

me at five am: should i sleep for two hours or stay up
me at now am: Did my coworker just say “email” or “bee jail”. what did the bee do

Oh to be a 1998 baby

✔️ first memory is 9/11

✔️ watches parents lose their jobs in 2008

✔️ graduates into global pandemic and looming recession

MAGICIAN: Is this your card?

ME: No

MAGICIAN: Is this your card?

ME: No

MAGICIAN: This one?

ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?

Three steps to start a relationship.

1- buy a sheep
2- name it “relation”
3- now you have a relationsheep.

When you ask a 3 y/o “why are you holding the butter wrapper?” best find the answer quickly

Confuse future archaeologists by burying human bones as if they’re riding dinosaur skeletons into battle.

Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Me: ok
Dentist: I’ve been sleeping with your mom

Hello Butterball Hotline? My turkey meows when I try to stuff it in the oven. What? Are you sure? Huh. HONEY THAT’S A CAT. TAKE IT OUT.

My daughter is so excited to climb the rope in gym class today that I’m starting to doubt she’s mine.

Kidnapper: We’ve kidnapped your son.

My dad: Please let me speak to him.

Kidnapper: He’s here.

My dad: You left the fan on, again.

BELLE: I love you

BEAST: You broke the curse!
[transforms into hideously ugly man]

BELLE: Welp, guess you’re all good. I gotta roll. Peace

The only appointment I’m ever on time for is disappointment.

if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires

So many things changing daily.

For example, now DTF stands for Don’t Touch my Face.

I don’t care if it’s a Hell Hound or not, I’m still going to pet it.

“I Spy” is the easiest game to win at cause you can just keep being like “nope that’s not it”

adulthood is arrogantly deleting and then sadly downloading tinder & uber eats over and over and over

none of the animals i designed and invented are at the zoo. do they even check the suggestion box

(at the doctor)

Can u cough for me?
*coughs*
Can u exhale for me?
*exhales*
Can u make kissy noises?
*kissy noises*
Can you beatbox at my wedding? the dj backed out.

Android Oreo announced today; you’ll be able to update your devices by the time the next solar eclipse comes around.