Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dad loved to say “there’s no price tag, must be free,” or, “there’s no expiration date, must be good,” now we hardly talk except when he calls from jail with food poisoning.

Yeah. This was me today.

I’ve just completed a cohort study that confirms people can go longer without sex if they have an adequate supply of chocolate and peanut butter

I call it my Reese’s Thesis

Work IT Tech: Oh, you’re just gonna need an HDMI cable for that. Do you need me to send you one?

Me: No, no, I’ve been waiting for this moment* for a long time

*pulling out the big tub of cords in the garage

It’s when I saw the children playing with their toys completely wrong that I knew I had to step in

Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.

Him: I’m making you Produce Manager.
Me: A PLUM assignment!
H: …
M: You’re a PEACH!
H: …
M: Do I start today or TOMATO?
H: You’re fired.

*goes outside*

*realises it’s entirely too windy to be wearing a skirt*

*regrets today’s choice of underwear*

Why do customers threaten you with “I’m not coming back here” alright Gertrude see if I care? If anything ur doing me a favour luv x

“Pyromaniac” puts it strongly. I enjoy starting fires. It’s not my whole deal.

Well, son, back in my day, we didn’t have a fancy robot to turn the tv on for us. We only had a boomerang.

Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.

To everyone who wrote “stay cool” in my middle school year book…I have some devastating news

[Driving back from the petting farm]
5: They didn’t have duckies this time, but they had baby pigs!
[remembering the Smuggled Duckiling Incident from months earlier, I slam on brakes]
Me: IS THERE A BABY PIG IN THIS CAR

If someone tries to be your friend, pick up their cat and play it like the bagpipes. Problem solved.

Me: I’m depressed

Doctor: I’m going to inject you with dog DNA

Me: How will that help?!

Doctor: Who’s a good boy?

Me: I AM

Me: [auditioning for the new Thor movie] Mjolnir, mjolfar, wherever you mjolare
I believe that mjolheart does go on

Marvel Exec: Get out.

*scrolls ur TL*
*finds ur tweet from 2 yrs ago.*
*eerily similar to mine from day before*

“She stole my tweet AND built a time machine?!”

50 shades of grey = my Liver

Wife: I want to have another baby
Me: one is more than enough
Wife: we have 3
Me: the others know how I feel

my daughter told me she has a crush on a guy who plays a drug dealer on a show and i’m like oh you get that from me.

Who wants a McKnuckle sandwich?

Ma’am…we’re going to have to ask you to get off of the table.

Ma’am…

(me, trying to cuddle with my bacon cheese fries)

If I lived in England I would approach my boss on payday and say “pound me.”

[at the pub]

I could survive for six days with everything in the pockets of my cargo shorts.

Her: Quit talking to me

the worst part of jury duty is having to shower with all the other jurors

*first date*
Guy: I like when a girl has curves

Me, taking off my Spanx: behold

I illegally download music, but only Metallica.

They seem to be pretty cool about it.

DUI stands for: don’t uber, i got this.