Just settled a divorce over visitation of a parrot. Neither may teach it negative phrases about the other. I went to law school for this.
You Might Also Like
Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”
Me: I’m gonna get you dressed.
3yo: cool I’m gonna make it as hard as possible for you to do so.
Me: cool.
3yo: cool.
I was actually unaware there is a global crisis occurring, I’ve been in quarantine the last two weeks because of an unfortunate haircut
[Arriving at party]
Host: Why are you wearing only a nappy?
Me: I was told “infancy dress”.
Host: I said “in fancy dress,” you moron!
DATE: so this is my dad and this is his porcelain cat collection
ME: wow, I feel like I’m in a
DATE: no
ME: mewseum
DAD: *nods his approval*
Lol #dogsoftwitter
Why is it called a phobia-induced breakdown and not tears for fears?
My child’s math problem says that Lisa bought 5 loaves of bread that cost $0.25 each and 6 lbs of beef that cost $1.25 per pound and the only information I need is where does Lisa do her grocery shopping.
somebody seems to be trying real hard to get Gurt’s attention
June 1885 – The Statue Of Liberty arrives in the U.S. in 350 pieces with no instructions.
Future IKEA magnate: “That gives me an idea.”
Me: Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice!
Bartender: doesn’t matter how many times you say it, we don’t have it
[Lies on resume about having gone to preschool]
Boss: You’re hired. Your first task is to make me a macaroni picture.
Me: *eyes widen* what
Marriage: an institution where having to slightly adjust your mirrors every time you get in your car puts you in a homicidal rage.
11 year old: Daddy, I heard a new song called Bohemian Raspberry, do you know it?
Forget spiders, I’ve incidentally consumed at least a kilo of dog hair.
ASTRONAUT 1:So sorry
ASTRONAUT 2: My condolences
ASTRONAUT 3: Forgive us~~The crew of the Apollo-G
[tornado warning]
*locks children and dog safely in basement*
*perches in a tree with binoculars*
Sometimes I’ll be staring at my phone for a few minutes and be like “what was it I was doing” then I’ll be like “oh yeah I’m driving a car”
Not today
If you hate someone on your Christmas list, buy them parakeets.
Dylan Thomas: Do not go gentle into that good night… Rage, rage against the dying of the light…
*cut to me already Hulk-smashing a lamp
Me: *buys a bra*
The internet: you like BRAS? perhaps you like ONLY BRAS?? Do you need 10,000 BRAS? Do you need to see a new bra every .5 SECONDS?? HERE ARE ALL THE BRAS FOREVER!! YOU WILL NEVER SEE YOUR FAMILY’S POSTS AGAIN ONLY BRAS!
them: Why don’t you think about what you’re doing?
me: lolz
I prefer the Easter Bunny, for starters, he’s not making a list and checking it twice, and more importantly, he’s not watching me when I’m sleeping.
I started running today. Also, there is a new mean dog in the neighborhood that interrupted my walk today.
friend: why are you crying?
me: I’m having trouble dealing my grandma’s passing
grandma: *slinging a football at my head* just catch it, nerd
Me: *brings home new puppy*
My dogs: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!
At the rate I’m throwing shit out as I pack to move there’s a strong possibility not all the kids will make it to the new house
happy mother’s day❤️
