Just settled a divorce over visitation of a parrot. Neither may teach it negative phrases about the other. I went to law school for this.
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Super Mario and Zelda are very accurate in depicting the idiotic things men will do for pussy.
Happened to go back & look at my most recent review at work, where my manager literally wrote “you go above, and beyond, attending meetings even on your days off, and you’re an excellent team player” and then marked it as meets expectations!
I’m about to be so unsatisfactory 🖕🏻
Spotted in the wild
*medication may cause
– hair cramps
– tongue mold
– restless skin syndrome
– pomegranate ear
– swamp lip
– knee teeth
I had a pretty confused childhood because I thought obituaries are actually advertisements selling dead people.
Me, waiting for my husband to realize that I was right.
Please donate 30$ to my child’s school funrun so she can get a pencil as a prize, thank you
Happy MOM THIS HUGE ASSIGNMENT IS DUE TOMORROW AND I’VE JUST STARTED IT to all those who celebrate.
Enjoying a few cups of coffee at my enormous kitchen island while being scrutinized by my two friends, one of whom has a torso that is physically inside the island
If the first rule of fight club is not talking about fight club, how did fight club ever get off the ground?
We don’t have any popcorn, so I’m just eating butter and salt.
It’s funny how—especially in small towns—we think of lit porch lights as a symbol of welcoming. I leave mine on so the guy who paints himself purple won’t steal any more of my chairs.
Fun bible fact: No records exist of Jesus’ life from age 12 to 30 because he was backpacking across Europe with his pet Pterodactyl
If my neighbors would just talk a little louder I could follow along with their conversation, but no. Rude.
[spider in house]
me: oh hey buddy, you lost? let me take you outside[ants in house]
me, wildly shooting bug spray: I AM BECOME DEATH, THE DESTROYER OF WORLDS!!
Me to kid: go tell your brother dinner’s ready
The same kid right beside me:
*receiving flowers
I don’t know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.
*Shaking Magic 8 Ball*
“Will I ever not feel tired again?”
*Magic 8 Ball erupts in hysterical laughter*
Tammy is short for Tamuel
“Go Paperless!” they tell you on a full extra sheet of paper.
SOMEONE LEFT. A FULL PLATE OF COOKIES. AND A GLASS OF MILK. RIGHT BY THE FIREPLACE FOR ME. I AM NOT KIDDING. WHAT A NIGHT
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks”
This is a funeral. Show some respect.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks, sir.”
My Wife: Don’t look at your phone while driving
Also my wife when I’m driving: What do you think of these bar stools?
Time traveler from the past: *disgusted* You haven’t ended hunger or war or poverty but you have a phone in your pocket with a camera?
Me: No… it has two cameras.
“My mind is telling me nooo… But my body… My body’s telling me yesss…BABY”
Cashier: Sir…would you like fries with that or not?
Twitter is like being able to read every toilet wall in the world.
My soul is possessed by fried chicken.
I’ve never been addicted to drugs, but I imagine the urge is what my mother-in-law feels to rearrange my utensil drawer at my house.
What I have learned from dating is that if he shows you affection, talks to you every day, and introduces you to his friends and family, he’s just not that into you
CONDUCTOR: Oh my dad’s in the audience
[waves to dad]
[orchestra goes crazy]