Just shake the magic 8 ball and tell me what it says
Priest inside the confessional: I’m not sure you know exactly where you are
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The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.
If cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want.
I have good and bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
We need a new front door
WIFE: And the good news?
[points to Monster Truck in living room]
N V B K I T H E K L O P F
I N V E N T O R Z S F O F
T H E E F G H J I O L P L
Y Q W O R D S E A R C H
H A S J P O D I E D G W
*stares into distance*
Distance: Please stop staring. It’s rude.
I have precisely ZERO idea what people are doing when they inspect inside their egg boxes at the supermarket. But for 20 odd years I’ve dutifully opened the box, nodded appreciatively, and then put my eggs in the trolley without the faintest idea what the hell I’m doing or why.
My lady bits are ready to be fertilized now….
Flirting is easy!
Having a rough day? At least you’re not Courtney Love’s gynecologist.
“Welcome to money management. Have you all paid your $200 entrance fee?”
“Yes”
“Excellent, never give money to strangers. Class dismissed”
Me: My anxiety is out of control.
Dr.: Have you tried cutting back on coffee?
Me: Are you even a real doctor?
5: I love you so much
Me: I love you too, are you done acting naughty?
5: nope
When someone says “More on that later”, I hear “Moron that later.”
And I want to say “You’re moroning it now”.
Lockdown was an unfortunate time for the launch of my party supplies business. I’ve got more unsold piñatas than you can shake a stick at.
“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.
House sitting for friends while they’re out of town. Never knew Rob kept a diary.
Optional boss fight.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a ghost writer
ME {trying not to look too scared}: When did you die?
DOCTOR: congratulations it’s a baby-
ME: giraffe?
DOCTOR: what? No. It’s a boy. A human boy.
ME: *looks at wife* you lied to me
Prince: it’s taking an awfully long time to let down that hair
Curly-haired Rapunzel: (struggling with a straightening iron) be PATIENT
Why do meteors always land in craters?
Where were these Terrorists when Seth Rogen did the Green Hornet?!?!?
[tries to take a selfie]
Phone: NOT ENOUGH SPACE.
[deletes a bunch of photos]
Phone: still tho… don’t.
Did a trash talking tree write this?
I didn’t come here to be called names
THERAPIST: are you still using euphemisms to get friends to go jogging
ME: no one ever wants to have the runs with me
My husband grabbed a lightsaber and challenged our daughter to a battle. She ran to the kitchen and grabbed a knife.
When my wife and I started dating she’d jokingly tell me “Go play in traffic”. Now when she says it, she opens my car door while driving on the freeway.
WIFE: look at that couple. He kisses his girl every time he sees her. Why can’t you do that
ME: I’d love to but I don’t know her well enough
GHOST (rattling cupboards): OOo oooOooOoo
*family screams*
SECOND GHOST (screwing and unscrewing a lightbulb): what the hell are we doing Frank. they’re good people
The scariest sound is an unknown crash followed by my 9 year old yelling “It’s OK! There’s nothing wrong! You don’t need to come up here”