Just shake the magic 8 ball and tell me what it says
Priest inside the confessional: I’m not sure you know exactly where you are
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Real friends don’t put their babies on the phone to talk to you
WIFE: i have a gynecologist exam today
ME: what?? i didn’t even know you were in med school
Wife: where’s the baby?
Me: up on the roof
Wife: THE ROOF?
Me: relax. He’s got sunscreen on
Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
*guy looks back and laughs, the door punches him in the back of the head*
How to stop checking someone’s Facebook page:
1. Delete your Facebook profile
2. Break your phone
3. Give away your laptop
4. Die
mom always warned us not to sit too close to the TV, but we turned out pergectly fime.
X: I hate when the cat just stands like that, frozen. Why does he do that?
Me: He’s on paws.
X: …
Me: 😁 On… paws.
X: I hate you so much.
As my toddlers took me down like a pride of lions, one pinning my shoulders to the floor and one biting my ear, it occurred to me that maybe we should watch less nature channel
The toughest part of any long distance relationship is the 6 hour drive to slash their tires.
What I’ve learned in life is that there is a time and a place to be funny, what I haven’t learned is to distinguish those times.
As spooky season approaches, my very interested toddler has been asking “WHAT HIM NAME?” when we see a skeleton or other ghoulish figure on someone’s lawn, and since “I don’t know” is unacceptable to people who are almost 3, I have been spitballing names of people I don’t like.
In high school I was voted Most Likely to Be Shot Dead While Trying to Steal Something of Moderate Value From a Texan.
Sometimes I tell myself I should stop drinking so much, but I’m not about to listen to a drunk who’s talking to himself.
*goes on strict diet for a month, steps on scale*
i lost 4 lbs, nice
*goes off diet for one day, steps on scale*
the punishment does not fit the crime
Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.
So jealous of the roads getting plowed right now.
6yo: What does it feel like to be invisible?
Me: (on toilet) I wish I knew.
So she was like, “Put on some protection”. I then pulled out & wore a yellow construction hat. We laughed & laughed & now I have herpes.
A shake for breakfast. A shake for lunch. A sensible dinner. SEVENTY FIVE COOKIES AT 12:34AM
STUBBORN belly fat?
Is there any other type?
No good deed goes unposted on social media.
I’m proud to announce that am winning my fight against sobriety.
Tweeting and grocery shopping don’t mix. I’ve been down every aisle and just realized all I have in my cart is a cabbage and someone’s baby.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you guys are looking to protect your feet while walking on rough terrain, check out “shoes”
[me as a snake handler]
Hi, I’m here to put handles on all your snakes.
Groom: Dude, the invitation was for Gandalf the Grey.
Gandalf: Oh, it’s Gandalf the White now.
Bride: [fuming]
Gandalf: [looks fabulous]
I want to open a pizza shop called “Cheesus Crust!” Our slogan will be: “Heavenly ingredients, served hot as Hell.” -or- “Crust has risen.”
Hubs: If you could sleep with…
Me: THOR!!!
Hubs: …the fan off tonight, that’d be great.
Me: Ohhhh…
God I hate kids.
And people.
And animals.
And sardines.
And stuff that’s alive.
And stuff that’s dead.
I hate stuff.
I like cheese.