Just shared my screen in a business meeting, and realised that my desktop was showing a google search for “where did Scrooge McDuck get his money?”
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For this Halloween I’ve trained my eyebrows to leap off my face & destroy those who’ve angered me.
when everyone else grabs a partner immediately and the teacher says “why don’t you come up and dance with me”
Spider-Man, but set in rural Norfolk so he just has to walk everywhere.
imagine you get to the gates of heaven and they make you download an app to go in
“Some people say things like ‘you can’t get blood from a stone’, or ‘vegetables shouldn’t scream when you eat them’. Well *chuckles* we here at Monsanto laboratories have spat in the face of God once again….”
Date: Do you go camping?
Me: Our ancestors evolved in order to give us pillow-top mattresses and flushing toilets. Why would I sleep outside?
You don’t realize how much you miss your privacy until you have a toddler hugging you the entire time you pee.
Whenever I’m house sitting for a friend on vacation I replace each item of their clothing with the exact same thing but two sizes smaller.
Me: *leaning into him* I wanna do things to you that are illegal in 50 states
Him: yeah?
*steals his car*
I’M CRYINGGG
Hey, did you know that if you leave clean clothes on the floor for long enough they become dirty clothes?
Because it is Friday I will allow one beautiful woman to purchase me a glass of milk
My dad, leaning on the fence at the edge of the diamond: GO TO FIRST BASE. GET TO FIRST BASE
Me, enjoying a picnic with my date: dad please
I have achieved immortality.
I found a mysterious lamp and sure enough there was a genie inside.I wished that I won’t die a virgin.
Talk about bad timing #JokeoftheDay #Conan
Turns out that ending meetings with “have the day you deserve” has made me some enemies at work.
stop being so defensive i am just trying to hit you with weapons
Me: Kids, never take candy from strangers!
Also me on Halloween: I want more Twix, go ask that clown with the red balloon for some.
Hypothetically speaking if someone wanted to feed their enemies to a tiger where would I… I mean where would one acquire a vicious extra carnivorousy tiger?
Me: Grandpa hasn’t been the same since the war
Him: Vietnam?
Me: Thumb
I actually feel bad for kids who grow up having access to unlimited knowledge. It used to be so easy to lie. When I was a kid someone told me they went to the same synagogue as Sonic the Hedgehog, and honestly I didn’t have enough information to dispute that.
Cows are vegetarians too, but you won’t hear them bragging about it on Twitter.
She was rare…
… like pants ordered online during lockdown, that actually fit.
You don’t scare me, you’re not a group of middle schoolers I have to walk past
one mistake some cult leaders make is predicting armageddon will happen on a specific day. embarrassing to explain afterwards. if i ever lead a group of devoted followers i’d keep shit like that pretty vague
trust me bro, no woman has ever looked at your tinder profile and gone “i wish he was holding me like he’s holding that fish”
jfc, the doctor doing my physical just asked if I was “that twitter guy” so I said “yup, I’m the funny twitter guy,” and he responded “I didn’t say funny.” We haven’t even gotten to the awkward part of this appointment yet 🙁
I was one of the crew members on the Lost series. Don’t worry, you’re not alone, nobody on the crew understood the ending either.
Me: *To my 5YO* Can I have your Twix? Those were my favorite at your age.
5YO: They used to make Twix when the world first started?
Genie: last wish
Me: make it so eating makes you skinny and working out makes you fat
Genie: ooh, good one