Just shared my screen in a business meeting, and realised that my desktop was showing a google search for “where did Scrooge McDuck get his money?”
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A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
Wife: Heading up to bed *winks*
[30 min later]
Wife: …where is he?
Me: (laying perfectly still in floral camo that matches the sheets)
I enjoy learning about the world by watching the Olympics. So far I’ve learned that Canada ISN’T the only country that participates in curling.
[on date]
Me, thinking: Compliment her, but don’t be weird.
Me, out loud: You have healthy-looking gums.
If you want my body and you think I’m sexy, please stop buying your prescription glasses at Walmart.
[date]
HER: the last guy i went out with was as boring as a sack of potatoes
ME: [gets up from table] my son is a potato
Kid: Mom, will you play with me?
Me: Sure.
Kid: Okay, pretend you’re dead.
Me: This was the role I was born to play. *lays down and remains motionless for hours*
Don’t be fooled by looks, butterflies taste just like moths.
HER: NNNNNNNN
ME: [gently rolling her onto her side]
HER: ZZZZZZZZ
A lady at WartMart said I smelled fruity and asked what fragrance I was wearing. I didn’t have the heart to tell her I missed my mouth with a slushie so I pointed to a random body spray
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
Bachelor party photos will always come back to haunt you.
Sometimes when my kids are following me around the grocery store, I walk in circles around things to test their loyalty.
My child: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: “That’s impossible, they’re all running for president right now.”
My wife said “Sometimes you can be so lazy,” and then she walked out of the room.
I looked at our dog and said “Go find out which one of us she’s talking about.”
“Goodbye, cruel world.” I say while taking one too many Flinstone vitamins
Girl seeing my torn jeans
Where’d you get those?!
*remembers trying to pee on a hill & stumbling backwards through thorn bushes*
The Gap.
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
ME: *enters password*
COMPUTER: Weak and insecure
ME: No it’s not
COMPUTER: Sorry, I was talking about you. Yeah, the password’s fine
Just because you have boobs doesn’t mean you’re better than I am. Unless you’re a woman.
I was once a bookseller. A woman came in asking for Tea at the Savoy by Oscar Wilde. I couldn’t find it listed. She insisted.
I kept not finding it. She got angrier.
I asked again, “Are you sure it’s by Wilde?”
Irate, she said, “YES. He was on the Today Show this morning.”
😑
Why do they ask your job on gameshows? It’s the least interesting thing about you. Ask people their favourite dinosaur.
Unsuspecting male: So what kind of restaurants do you like?
Me: Open ones.
Who told cauliflower it can be anything it wants?
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
A Brit accepting a compliment:
“I like your coat”
“What? This old rag? Don’t be silly. It cost 2p. I’ve had it ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s a load of tat. Thank you, though!”
New parent: our kids are only going to eat healthy food
That same parent, 3 kids later: it’s ok to have cookies for breakfast
The ultimate power move is signing emails “kind regards” because it implies there are kinder regards but they didn’t deserve them
“Today, my son asked “Can I have a book mark?” and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.”
The Constitution has barely been altered in 200 years, but my $300 textbook is worth $0.82 bc they came out with a new edition mid-semester.