Just shattered the neighbour’s window trying to separate two frozen burger patties with a butter knife.
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My signature move is putting on my reading glasses when I don’t understand what the person in front of me is saying.
*at the gym*
Trainor: Have a donut.
Me: Wow! Sure!
T: Here’s some pizza.
M: What kind of trainer are you?
T: I’m a Megan Trainor.
Exterminator: I can’t do anything about it.
Me: but I’m infested.
Exterminator: look! you’re the one who chose to have this many kids.
You can’t just ask me why it takes me so long to get ready, would you tell Medusa to comb her snakes faster
pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”
Tartar, the sauce so nice they named it twice.
Disney can’t even make a dragon without it looking exactly like Elsa
Not my circus. Not my monkeys. But I’m 99% positive I know those clowns.
Me: What’d you do this weekend?
Her: I got a henna tattoo.
Me: (picturing a chicken with body art) Like for her birthday or something?
Interviewer: describe yourself
Me: Me? Personally, I’m a personable person
if your boyfriend insists he rolls everywhere because it’s ‘faster than walking’, my friend, you may be dating a gamer.
Doc: “Your arm is broken. I’ll put you in a cast for a while and it’ll recover.”
Me: “Ok, but I don’t get how being in a movie will help.”
We brought home a betta fish, and I’ve officially spent more time deciding it’s name than I did naming the kids
Whose idea was it to do this in 2020?? Archaeologists just opened a mummy tomb that’s been sealed for 2,500 years
ok children, just to recap today’s lesson, let’s now repeat all the words you are not supposed to say.
For the orator and chef in all of us
Butterfly courtship ritual:
Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere
Friend: any plans for the fall?
Me: do you meant autumn or civilization?
Vaguely threatening bubble tea ad at my local mall.🧋
“Jesus Christ, Roger… What the hell are you doing with your life?”
Every animal: how will we see things that are behind us?
God: just turn around
Almost every animal: ok
Owl: I absolutely will not
Her: I have a funeral to go to but I don’t have a date yet.
Me: Aw, you can’t go alone?
She meant the date of the funeral.
I know that now
I grew up in a time where your mother’s saliva was the most powerful cleaning agent around.
Husband: You don’t have to wear a mask
Me: I’m hoping no one talks to me
Husband: But it’s just us and we are home
Me: *tightening mask*
[filling out birth certificate]
Me: we’re naming him Greg
Doctor who used to be Starbucks barista: [writes “Grork”]
Digging my own grave bc I GOTTA DO EVERYTHING AROUND HERE
Life hack: enter your birthday as being on a different week on each restaurant membership so you get a freebie each weekend.
Rocket scientist: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Brad Pitt: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Guy who has a car: I’m gonna try my luck
Things that don’t kill bees:
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
Respect
