Just shattered the neighbour’s window trying to separate two frozen burger patties with a butter knife.
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Time machine jokes are offensive to me. A time machine killed my great-great-grandson.
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
me: shoot for the moon
astronaut: houston please I need actual coordinates
An air mattress is great when you want to sleep on the floor but not right away.
Adding pasta water to my cereal to make the milk stick.
‘Pizza toppings. Go.’
-Me, speed dating.
[Movie Theatre]
Employee: Theatre 9 will be on your right. Oh hey buddy, don’t forget to get some candy.
8 year old nephew: My uncle already brought some. He’s hiding it.
Me:
Employee:
*my cargo shorts jiggle with the sound of 15 bags of m&m’s as I waddle away quickly*
My memory is horrible but I remember every person I loaned a book to that didn’t return it.
Do cute firemen still come when a cat is stuck in a tree?
Only in case of fire?
Fine. But pretty sure my cat won’t like being set on fire.
Those who say English majors won’t succeed in the work place underestimate how much creative writing is needed when completing the annual employee self-evaluation.
5: You forgot my night-light! It keeps monsters away.
Me: If a monster wants to get you, a 4 watt bulb won’t stop him. Good night, Sweetie.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you’re going to rob a bank make sure it’s not the one you normally use.
[commercial for soap]
NARRATOR: soap. it fights dirty.
ME: genie, i wish i was dead
GENIE: [makes me dead then brings me back to life] ok u have two wishes left
ME: i dont think u understood
*being broken up with*
Me: I thought we were on the same page!
Her: We are! It’s just the page of the dictionary that has “awesome” and “awful” on it
I sleep like a baby at night…
…a baby with a terrible secret.
I hate this language when a pastor has an affair.
“He fell”
Bro, what did he trip on? His own unbuckled pants?
you’d think someone in the room would’ve spoken up like “hey guys maybe it’s a bad idea to make one ring to rule them all”
It’s such bullshit when someone tweets something and gets like 50 stars and RTs then I tweet the exact same thing verbatim and get no love.
Genius idea!!
You know you’re getting old when you scroll down the birthday drop down menu … And it starts going into Roman Numerals.
There’s something mentally wrong with people who ask other parents if their baby isn’t the cutest baby they’ve ever seen
“And the cat’s in the cradle and the silver spoon….Little boy blue and the man on the moon”
…Drugs in the 70’s must’ve been AWESOME!
I got fired from the church nursery for racing the babies.
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: wow ok gimme a second
GENIE: done
ME: wait
GENIE: sure if that’s your wish
ME: be quiet
GENIE:
ME: damn
You definitely shouldn’t go to Costco and buy the giant box of frozen mozzarella sticks so you and your family can eat them whenever you want. We are not ready for that as a species.
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Have kids so you can start your day with questions like, “mom, why do people clean toilets?”
My 2 year old asked me for potato and kept getting mad at me when I gave her potatoes to eat.
It took a good 20 minute meltdown before I figured out that she calls play-doh potato.
Learning a new language has been hard for both of us.