Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

16: If you could pick your own pronouns, what would they be?

Me: Well, I can and I choose cheesecake.

16: Cheesecake isn’t a pronoun.

Me: Yes, but everyone loves cheesecake.

16: Exactly, pick something else.

Say what you will about Kylo Ren, but you have to appreciate his Han die coordination.

when people your age have their shit together and you have no idea what you’re doing

My ex-husband’s mother invited me to lunch for my birthday and tbh, I’d rather be torn apart by wolverines and thrown into a vat of acid so naturally, I told her I’d check my schedule.

I thought I put my 9 year old to bed hours ago and he just casually walked out of the playroom and said, “Think I’ll go to bed now, I’m beat.”

It’s 11:15 pm.

The tampon aisle is a terrible place to pick up chicks.

You know what this new carpet needs? For me to open a tube of blue toothpaste, and jump up and down on it.

– My 4yo. Apparently.

I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.

I don’t know who to tell this to but I noticed that chips are less broken than before. Getting a lot of large chips in the bag these days. So whoever is doing that thank you

toddler: Lets go get a cake
wife: Why?
toddler: It’s somebody’s birthday somewhere
me *grabbing my keys* Can’t argue with that

[sees cute girl jog by]
“Imma run up and ask her out”
[one block later still not caught up]
“Ok, wow, we probably weren’t soul mates anyway”

[landlord showing new tenant around]
“No smoking allowed”
“How about pets?”
“That’s fine”
[dog walks in and lights up]
“We’ll take it”

I love travelling because I love to check if I have my passport every 3-4 minutes 🥰

I was texting my husband about our 4 year old and autocorrect changed “she’s pissed” to “she’s possessed” and honestly, same difference.

Me, not making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.

Me, making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.

[Attorney’s office]

*checked box for cremation*
*signed last will and testament*

Guess I just made an ash out of myself.

Wife: *rolls eyes*
Did he also sign the DNR?

One time an orca befriended me and then tried to steal my boyfriend

You can marry for love or you can marry for kidneys, but not both

Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.

Pee after storming area 51 or else youll get a ufo

Go ahead, criticize my overprotective parenting but no gorillas were shot on my watch.

In retrospect, dressing as a killer whale when I was assigned to assassinate the Pope wasn’t my best idea. I blame Ubisoft, honestly.

*Unexpected item in the bagging area*

Me: Well what item exactly WERE you expecting?

Slide to the left, now slide to the right
criss cross, criss cross, cha cha real smooth

– the groceries in the back of my car

Don’t tell me you got problems. This is a serious problem 😠

My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.

If anyone is still on Facebook, please check on my parents.

I’m sorry I punched you in the face when you said “I love you”. Intimacy scares me. And you said it to my sister.

Instead of a dress code every senator should get to choose how one other senator dresses.

[hamster construction site]
“Colin, you seen Dave?”
I left him manning the concrete mixer
“Oh no”
[cut to Dave having the time of his life]