Just shooed that big green raccoon out of my garbage can again. Man, he’s grouchy.
You Might Also Like
If the horse track doesn’t open back up soon, I’m gonna lose the only math I remember.
A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee
The inside of my closet looks like a doctor prescribed me cardigans
whoever named the meatball absolutely nailed it
“Schrödinger’s Second” is the time immediately after a child collides with an object where they are both hurt and not hurt until observed
This is the smartest joke I’ve ever written
This is actually what my executive dysfunction looks like
If you start a sentence with “Let me reiterate…” I’m gonna ignore it the second time too.
Me: Can my gift this year be a new secretary.
Boss: I cannot legally assign you anyone until your last secretary’s case goes to trial…
Bros before Ohioes
Me: *shows up to a gala in my pajamas*
Host: That’s not what I meant by evening wear.
when my brother was at the height of his teenage boy gym phase he used to get a rotisserie chicken and sit out the front of the house sharing it with like 4 different cats and the neighbours dog. was actually very beautiful
“What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger”
Well I sure as shit felt better at 21 so imma call bullshit
my husband and I got into an argument because he says I waste money so as an act of apology I bought him a penguin
“If you are fat you will die,” said the thin ppl, who would never die.
My bank balance is a gentle reminder that in a few years my twins will have to battle it out for one college place!
[fancy restaurant]
me: one steak and a bowl of ketchup please
waiter: usually you don’t need anything with it, sir
me: you’re right [closing menu] just the ketchup then
Alice: I’m late.
White Rabbit: Haha, that’s my line
Alice:
White Rabbit:
Alice: *stares*
White Rabbit: oh shit
Me: why aren’t you studying?
My kid: I didn’t see you coming.
[first day at pet store]
me: you want this boxed?
her: you can’t box a goldfish
me: [lacing up gloves] watch me
I just smoked the fattest blunt.. And now my refrigerator is nervous!
Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your dance partner until he doesn’t want to dance anymore.
Just ate so many carrots I can see through drywall.
This is my emotional support chloroform rag
Petition to lower the retirement age. I’m tired now.
The glove snap before the prostate exam isn’t necessary. We just do that to mess with you.
me:
I like to speak to my attorney please.wife:
Just tell me which shoes look better please.
therapist: you are your own worst enemy
me: undefeated baby
If you marry someone a few years older, one thing they love is when any classic rock song comes on and you ask “Is this Led Zeppelin?”