Just shooed that big green raccoon out of my garbage can again. Man, he’s grouchy.
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Me: *excited as bird flies up to me* Aw a bird friend, hey little bird!
Bird: Sorry, I thought you were someone else.
*At Super Bowl Party*
Hey baby, they’ve got a WHOLE bunch of shrimp here, did you bring the big purse?
Quarantine has given me some free time so I made an exit survey for people who left me on read on dating sites
Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.
Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub.
There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.
Cat that has never been so insulted in all nine of its lives of the day.
*buys dog organic, free-range, non-nitrate chicken treats for $7.99, buys self Big Mac
I’m not saying my son is competitive, but he was happy he had a higher fever than his brother
I love when people apologize for ‘not tweeting much lately’ as if veiled mourners were lighting candles for their immediate return
Celebrated fall by going to the state fair and spending a mortgage payment on deep fried oreos and water.
I went into accounting because there is strength in numbers.
You can tell a lot about a person
by his hot dog stand orderI knew the guy was a Buddhist when
he said “Make me one with everything”
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?
“Fluffy died today”
“Oh my god I’m so sorry, was he a cat or dog?
“He was a boa constrictor”
“Well that made me feel better”
I had my year-end evaluation and it went like “You have great substantive legal skills, but you don’t come into the office enough and you don’t attend social events and you don’t regularly answer emails on weekends.” Yes, precisely.
[first day as a doctor]
Welcome to the hospital! Can I take your order?
[throwing face stocking and grappling hook back in trunk]
“Dammit!”
#ISeeNoPointIn trying to do bunny ears as a joke
Magician: “Think of a card.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “You are thinking of the.. 3 OF SPADES!”
Me: “I was thinking about a get well soon card.”
That blue kool-aid that barbers keep their combs in tastes funny.
A kiddie pool with a carrot floating in it would look odd to you and me but to a snowman it would be horrifying.
If People Rode Dinosaurs Instead of Walked.
Mood: Shredding documents but realizing I didn’t double check if they were the correct ones and now frantically searching for the Undo button on the shredder
Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people
STOP ACTING LIKE THIS GROCERY STORE GIFT CARD ISN’T ROMANTIC. WHO DOESN’T LIKE FOOD?
[1994]
The rejected Spice Girl, Pumpkin, sobs outside the studio.
Little does she know that in 20 years their fans will love her the most.
ME: [licking lips in anticipation] I’m nervous. I’ve never done a bungee jump before.
INSTRUCTOR: don’t lick my lips again.
every time someone says “i’m aware” i always wait a couple seconds in case they add “wolf”
The postman told me he was off to Spain tomorrow. I asked if he was going to Parcelona. He didn’t even smile
Roe v Wade is my favorite bitter controversy about the best way to cross a small river.