@garrettbarry70

Just shook a piece of cellophane off my finger and now I’m exhausted.

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@sammyrhodes

My 3yr old pooped her big girl panties at church today and I forgot the wipes, in case you were feeling bad about being single today.

@fatherofcomedy

They say genius skips a generation.In our case it fell off our family tree and died.

@robfee

Finding Nemo (2003) A father is criticized for being overprotective after his wife & kids are murdered & his only surviving son is kidnapped

@jake_likes_naps

[at bar]

Gee, I’m so hungry I could eat a horse

*nearby horse slams down his whisky*

COME ON THEN TOUGH GUY

*horse throws the 1st punch*

@MartaEffing

Damn boy, are you fresh ground pepper? Coz you’re kinda boring and you’ve been on top of everything.

@ThugRaccoons

You: Where’s Carl?

Me: That fool done gone and lost his mind

You: Thats too bad. What’s for dinner?

Me: Funny you should ask

@seandunn76

Alex: This term indicates a zero score in tennis.

Contestant: What is love?

*dance party erupts*