Just shook a piece of cellophane off my finger and now I’m exhausted.

You Might Also Like


If anyone deserves an Oscar, it’s me for nodding and pretending to understand the directions you’re explaining to me when I know I’m going to use Google Maps regardless


Some baby on this plane is singing the ABCs all out of order and a guy just shouted “yes girl remix!!”


Safety first, so remember when you tell some people “go set the world on fire” you must be very clear that you are speaking metaphorically.


What if the washer has been stealing the socks and we have just been blaming the dryer?


[1st date]
Him: What do you do for fun?
Me: I like pretending I’m someone else.
Him: Wow? You do impersonations?
Me: No, I steal identities.


If I saw 99 red balloons go by I’d probably just round it up to a hundred when I was telling people about it.


Officer: Did u know your back light is out

Me: I don’t know if you noticed… I’m inside the car. You had a bit of an advantage


Do you ever eat a mint and then take a sip of cold water and it hurts your teeth and then all your teeth fall out and they form a pentagram on the floor and the lights shut off and your ears start ringing and the ringing turns into an explosive roar


“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.