I love when the Uber driver is overly prepared with water bottles, chargers, asks about temperature and music preferences, etc., then drives how a deer walks after being born
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My husband Scott and I don’t have much of a sex life anymore. I’ve been getting off Scott free for years
I was talking to my wife last night. Man, it sounds like her husband is a real jerk.
[dinner w/friends]
“How long you two been married?”
It’s been thirt- (wife shaking head)
teenish twenty- (still shaking)
for a long time.
Brain, I know you’re trying hard but you are not doing a good job.
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me: *takes first bite*
waiter: HOW’S EVERYTHING TASTING
My current size is ‘I ate two maple bacon donuts yesterday and had to zip my jeans with pliers today’
I like my messages how I like my nuts – MIXED
Sorry I yelled “GET A ROOM!” at your grandson’s wrestling tournament.
I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
My Husband objected to a question I asked in court and we are on the same side if you wanted to know how fun it is to work with your spouse.
Parents: It’s unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you’re not going to also let them pee next to parked cars.
People often ask me why I’m single and how surprised they are
Then after speaking to me for 15 mins they say they can understand why I am
LMAO
HR: Can you explain this??
Me: I thought it was CORNhub, with recipes on how to make delicious corn and corn related dishes
“why do women always take sooo long to put their makeup on?” because makeup is war paint for Being In Public, clearly
me: *yelling at a crazy driver who’s speeding and weaving in and out of traffic*
9yo: be nice daddy maybe he has to poop real bad
[first day as a sports announcer]
*clears throat*
*taps mic twice*
Me: sprots
PSA: If you end your meeting early, you let the people go. you don’t say “lets use this extra time to chat and catch up”. i don’t want to, kevin. i want to not be here.
Martin Shkreli in jail: “Can I have an aspirin?”
Jail: “Yes. That will be $197,000.”
They say the best part of having sex with a mom are the snacks after, but you have to earn that. If the sex is mediocre you’re getting a glass of water and a little box of raisins.
Can’t leave this facebook group because someone has raccoons living under their bathtub and now I’m invested in how it plays out
Wife: We’re going to Jessie’s BBQ today.
Me: She’s the one with the big—
Wife: They’re fake!
Me: So?-liveTweeting from the DogHouse
Being an adult is cool because sometimes your back hurts and other times a different part of your back hurts
My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier.
So I’ve got that going for me.
Only wearing tennis skirts from now on and frankly disappointed in myself for not thinking of it sooner.
KID 911: wats ur emergency
SON: cant find my shoes
KID 911: have you looked literally nowhere?
SON: yes!
KID 911: then it is lost forever
4: mommy? *takes bite*
Me: yes, love?
4: *chewing* I’m hungry.
Me: …I have good news
If I had the money to get some work done, I think I’d have them start with the dishes.
I always eat the whole pizza cause I don’t like to half love anything.
can u imagine being the first person to try coffee. just being like haha i’m shaking but like in a good way