Just shoveled for 30 minutes so the pizza guy could deliver my food
Priorities
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If you stick pop tarts in your pocket before your morning commute, you’ll have a warm breakfast when you get to work.
Make sure to like and retweet this before big toaster has this deleted.
[dinner]
DAD: let’s roast this bird
ME: (to bird) the only time you ever got laid was the day you were born
DAD: haha nice
Why is he not as excited to meet me? 🙁
No LinkedIn, I am not “open to work,” I am required to work
Remember when the biggest problem we faced was Gangnam Style
HER: I hate you
ME: Hate is such a strong word
[cut to hate benching 300 lbs]
HATE: *whispering* I will be the strongest word ever
SECURITY GUARD: “Sir, I have to check all backpacks”
ME: “ok”
*opens backpack*
*its full of hundreds of tiny backpacks*
If you’re trying to console someone who has a tattoo with their ex’s name on and they just broke up, don’t say ‘haha that’s tattoo bad.’
COP: It’s 4/20
ME: Yes, and I’m a dealer!
COP: Then you’re under arrest
ME: I’m a dealer at the casino, lol!
COP: Oh, haha! Is it a good place to work?
ME: No idea, I just sell drugs there
I thinking about becoming a cop. Well, not really a cop but a quirky outsider like on TV who shows up at crime scenes and points out all the clues that experienced detectives missed
I went to church today just to thank God I’m not Miley Cyrus.
People that whistle in public have at least one body buried in their backyard.
I like to put a banana in each pocket just to confuse people.
Look, a pure bread cat!
Him: Baby imma call you back, im in the middle of a shootout.
Her: Yea w.e, tell that bitch I said she can have you.
What fool called it a submarine chef and not a pressure cooker?
I wish Gordon Ramsay would get one tattoo so I could take him seriously as a chef.
If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Gays are definitely from Saturn. You know the only planet chic enough to accessorize with a belt.
“Robby! Hey man I haven’t seen you since we were kids!”
Rob: Hey! I go by Robert now. It’s good to see you, Barry!
“I go by Barold now”
A dog or a baby can only survive about 6 seconds in a closed car with the air conditioner off in July; an annoying fly, 2 weeks.
I have jury duty tomorrow so whoever it is, they’re getting the chair
Self-control (n.): Charlize Theron keeping a straight face on when the mirror tells her Kristen Stewart is prettier than she is.
Tom’s of Maine is a really good deodorant to buy if you don’t mind spending a little extra to smell like you don’t use deodorant.
Lifeguards should focus more on water safety and less on me laying eggs in the sand.
Accidentally called my therapist mom again. He was not pleased.
Friend: I can’t stand one-uppers.
Me: I can’t stand them more.
My wife said we would save money on Halloween candy if we bought it at Aldi so I guess we’re handing out Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.