Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

GIRL: Spirit, should I have sex with this guy?
ME: *tries to push the ouija pointer to yes but it won’t move* (under breath) grandma, PLEASE

You could pay someone to install a new faucet or you could spend two hours and 20 minutes trying to remove one bolt and then pay someone.

Putting on a bra is like trying to wrestle two pigs into a potato sack.

Brain: no
Heart: yes
Foot: don’t ask me I’m a foot

Therapist: What brings you to couples counseling?

Husband: [rolls eyes] My wife says I “exclude her.”

Therapist: Where is your wife by the way?

Dermatologist asked why I want my tattoo removed and looked at me like no one’s ever said “because it’s my ex’s Twitter handle” before.

The Hurricane came through here like a tornado

-Lady on the News just now

I don’t want to live on this planet anymore

ME: *points at my “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*

CO-WORKER: *points at his own “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*

ME: *takes a sip from my “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*

CO-WORKER: *sips from his own “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*

ME: [eyes narrow] *draws “World’s Greatest Dad” sword*

*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading

I can’t stress this enough, I will never have a need to use a hotel’s complimentary gym when I’m on vacation.

I found a five dollar bill in the laundry and my credit rating went up 12 points.

Do poodle owners realize they just bought a dog with a shitty 1980s white girl perm?

The Wizard of Oz (1939): A Kansas runaway discovers the psychedelic powers of blunt-force head trauma.

Yellowstone visitor upset bears didn’t show (Would like park service to train them):

The first time I ever went to a Catholic Church the fire alarms went off when I sat down. I can take a hint Jesus.

We put a man on the moon in 1969, and if you elect me to be your president, I promise that we will not stop until every man is on the moon.

Not all dogs go to heaven because I just saw two dogs having sex and dogs can’t get married. Hope you both enjoy hell.

me, 1988: my dad calls everything by the wrong name. why doesn’t he know what anything is
me: 2018: calling my kid’s mindcraft game “computer legos” is way funnier than saying mindcraft and it pisses her off every time

As a parent you get to see just how much a baby accomplishes in its first year of life. Because you’re awake for all of it.

My ex-girlfriend had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil. I still don’t know how much she charges him though

The older I get, the less ‘life in prison’ becomes a deterrent.

an edibles food truck and i’d call it the cannabus.

The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.

Just wanted to let you all know that I have been admitted into hospital and they are keeping me in. I’ve only gone and poisoned myself, thanks to my cooking skills. What I thought was an onion for my salad turned out to be a daffodil bulb. They said I should be out early spring.

My wife handed me a clean towel and told me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.

Got tazed by security for asking why is it called an airport when it’s on the ground.

Eye of the tiger. Nose of the lion. Mouth of the lynx. Ear of the bobcat. Throat of the cougar. Forehead of the ocelot.

Can I have your parents’ phone number? I really need to inquire how you came to be 45 and don’t know that the “$” goes BEFORE the numbers.

I sure have purchased an inordinate amount of ringtones, for someone who keeps their phone on Silent.

[math class]

ME: {whispering} Were we supposed to draw a giraffe or a graph?

FRIEND: Graph. Wait did you draw a giraffe?

ME: Uhh-

FRIEND: {looks at my paper} But this is a graph.

ME: Yeah I’m not very good at drawing giraffes.