Just shoveled for 30 minutes so the pizza guy could deliver my food
Priorities
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me: i know people call you a rescue, but, honestly, you rescued me
stale doughnut i pulled out of the trash:
To me the greatest mystery of scooby doo was whether scooby snacks were human food they fed to scooby or dog food they fed to shaggy
Hell hath no fury like a woman who stepped on the Legos you promised you’d pick up
Me: wow. Your room is a mess
4: you can clean it
Me: but you made the mess
4: I know you can do it
Me: I’d love some help
4: you’ve got this, Mama
Passenger Announcement: For all those going to the yodelling competition in Geneva, please go to Gate 37 and form an orderly orderly orderly queue.
i hate when you have to gather 30 of some random item to complete a quest. like when the laundromat’s $7.50 washing machine is quarters only
Walked by a coworkers computer and he was just looking at a picture of a hotdog
My therapist sure does pronounce “awesome” a lot like “narcissism”
What did the teddy bear eat for dinner?
Nothing. He was STUFFED!
My boss just sent me a text that she’ll be driving by in 15 minutes. Idk what she wants me to do with this info but I turned all of the lights off and unplugged the Christmas tree.
My daughter gave me a coupon book for Mother’s Day and told me to pick one, so I chose the clean your room coupon. She immediately began crying because I was supposed to choose the free hug instead.
Reached the age where I have to do like 150 healthy things every day just so it doesn’t hurt when I burp.
“Get me some ice cream, I gave blood today”
Him: “You can’t say that every month!”
{Clutches ovaries} “GASP”
Is that a fresh botox treatment in your face or are you just surprised to see me?
I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”
If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.
The receptionist at the doc’s office today kept pulling her mask down to talk to me and I-
When I was in 1st or 2nd grade my teacher once incorrectly marked that I had misspelled the word “weird” on some schoolwork. Rather than looking it up in the dictionary to prove I was right, my parents had me bring in this coffeetable book of pulp magazine covers to show her.
I’m not saying I’m mad at you, but I hope someone breaks into your house tonight, toasts all your bread and then puts it all back in the bag
[in deep space]
Everyone: [in hypersleep]
Me: [wakes up every few hours to pee]
Yes I am 45, male and love cats. Recently I posted a selfie. It could be worse though, right? Hello?
If i had $5 for every time I said up yours to someone, my butler would be saying it for me.
ME: Siri listen very carefully. I need you to quietly dial 911, and…
SIRI: I HAVE FOUND TWO RESTAURANTS WITHIN 5 MILES OF YOUR LOCATION.
Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?
I abuse music so badly. I’m always like: make me feel good, watch me dance, listen to me sing, improve my mood. She must be sick of my shit.
salesman: you’ll like this car
me: how many dogs fit in it
salesman: how many what
me: dogs. come on dude have you never sold cars before
[writing my will]
me: what is cremation
lawyer: they’ll turn your body into ash
me: oh sweet so do i also get a pikachu
Whenever I hear a helicopter I say “gotta go- there’s my ride!”
Peregrine falcons: Attack from above. Prey on smaller birds. Silent. Cowards.
Geese: Will land in front of a full grown man. Hiss and honk to let you know battle has commenced. Audible boss music. Brave.