Just show up everyday and be consistent.
Toddlers make it easy to do that especially when they come to your room and just show up in your face, silently, at 3 am staring at you.
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[desert island diary – day 1]
4:15 pm: Got one call out of my cell phone before it died. Now I wait.
5:25 pm: That pizza is definitely free
There are two types of people. One who likes to clean well in advance of people coming over & one who likes stuffing shit chaotically in closets as guests walk through the door.
And they marry each other.
I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering, 98 of them said, “How the hell did you get in here?”
[polygraph test]
Tester: Have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Committed, or been caught?
Tester: …
Me: That was just a joke. Many people consider me quite witty.
*needle goes crazy*
ME: I’m so hungry I could greet a horse
FRIEND: “Eat” a horse
ME: No watch this. Hello Mr horse
HORSE: [gives me a taco]
We’ve taught our puppy to ring a bell whenever she’s wants to go outside so it basically sounds like a Salvation Army Training Facility in here.
Hey…quick question, fellas:
Does it still count as leg day if you just shaved them?
My only chance at a big house in the country is if I become a rescue dog
It’s not as serious as some of the parents in the elementary school pick-up / drop-off line seem to think
“You can’t have your cake and eat
it too”People that don’t know how cake
works.
The fact that my nephew told his teacher his Mom is on parole.
She’s on patrol, serving in the National Guard.
Patrol.
“Hello, Yes, This is Otter.”
“Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go” by “Wham” is my favourite song about wanting to slap someone if they did that.
It’s completely absurd that Silicon Valley is pushing AI on us before they figured out how to keep fries fresh during takeout and delivery.
My stove is the most expensive cigarette lighter I’ve ever purchased.
Me: nice car
Friend: yeah 400 horsepower
Me: that’s like 7000 ducks
Friend: what
Me: what
why are poetry books so expensiveee. each page will be like:
i am home.
if you knockand the book is $49.99
Her: so, are you seeing anyone?
Me: nope, it’s just the voices.
It takes only one person in this world to make you smile. It’s called a plastic surgeon.
the world is kind of a disaster anyways let’s do a Jurassic park, dinosaurs deserve another go
If Taylor Swift had a love affair with Adele and they broke up, there would be a tsunami or extinction or some shit
4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”
Her: I heard your sister went to the US.
Me: Yeah she did.
Her: Which state?
Me: Alaska.
Her: Cool, when she tells you, tell me.
I still let my Mom make all my phone calls for me, but my customer service center boss is getting annoyed.
If a bank robber yelled at me to get down on the ground and then my apple watch told me to stand I’d be legit conflicted for a second
Ugly sweater day at work. I’m wearing a new, really nice expensive sweater but walking around saying “ugh, please, this old thing.”
my kid is in her bed kicking her wall in morse code.
nope, scratch that. It’s either Wheels on the Bus or Bohemian Rhapsody, but I’m gonna tell her either way to go ahead and skip to the end
No one told me about Snapchat filters so all this time I’ve just been taping animals to my face.
I accidentally texted my wife with voice recognition…while playing the trombone
