Just show up everyday and be consistent.
Toddlers make it easy to do that especially when they come to your room and just show up in your face, silently, at 3 am staring at you.
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OMG, I can’t believe all the people who are out despite the stay at home orders.
…Says the person who’s out despite the stay at home orders.
I didn’t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach for the cookies.
Cats be like I could kill you in your sleep and take over the world but I’m also hungry so can you feed me right meow
If I stay in bed too long my sheets eventually detach from the corner of my mattress like my bed is patting me on the back to let me know the hug is over.
How to get ready for things :
1. Procrastinate for 5 hours
2. Panic 10 min before leaving
By Kate Hatos
The song said “Everybody Wang Chung” and apparently, I’m the only one who can follow directions in the produce section of this grocery store
imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better
Bored? Find group photo of 4 women on Instagram. Comment “You 3 look incredible!!”
*Killer sneaks into my house to murder me but sees me practicing karate w/ my big stuffed dog I won from the carnival and changes his mind*
My girlfriend said she wants a fairy-tale life. So I’ve trapped her in her gran’s bedroom with a wolf.
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
The vet this morning gave the dogs a bit of peanut butter while they had their check-ups and shots. Was it wrong that I asked for some when I paid the bill?
I can’t believe it’s already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.
girl: i love philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry, whom is ur favorite philosopher
As my kid gets older he goes to bed later, which means he hangs out longer, which means *I* have to stay up later to get my alone time, which means by the time he’s 13, I’ll be going to bed at sunrise.
Me: I have no friends
My bed: Wow I’m like right here
Angel: oh look, the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
Do you think Dracula ever forgets his coffin is shut and sits up and hits his head?
“It’s not my fault I keep losing my gloves.”
– a kid whose fault it most definitely is-
Friend is a masseuse. Her speakers broke so she told client she can’t play any music, jokingly offered to sing for him instead. He said, “Just whale song or something will be fine”. Omg. She made whale noises for a full 15 minutes before he got up and complained to her manager
i lied there’s no sex. stand over there and tell me if this painting im hanging is straight
(to the tune of We Will Rock You)
I feed my dog dog food
You call it uneven eyeliner. I call it my Picasso Period.
Hobby Lobby and Chick-Fil-A have one thing in common: I never go there.
ME: I’m single and ready to Pringle.
CASHIER: I have never seen somebody buy that many tubes.
I’ve done 10 sit-ups today, I can’t take much more of this ab use.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m at 6%
professor x: oh yeah you can definitely use my charger